Books on Happiness / The Definitive Book Of Body Language- 2 students

How the Legs Reveal What the Mind Wants to Do

locked their ankles as soon as they sat in the dental chair to have work done. Patients who were only having a check-up locked their ankles 68% of the time compared to 98% who locked ankles when the dentist administered an injection.

More people lock their ankles with the taxman than with the dentist.

Our work with law enforcement and government bodies, such as the police, customs and the tax office, showed that most people who were being interviewed locked their ankles at the beginning of the interviews, but this was just as likely to be from fear as out of guilt.

We also analysed the human resources profession and found that most interviewees lock their ankles at some point during an interview, indicating that they were holding back an emotion or attitude. Nierenberg and Calero found that when one party locked his ankles during a negotiation it often meant that he was holding back a valuable concession. They found that by using questioning techniques they could often encourage him to unlock his ankles and reveal the concession.

Asking positive questions about their feelings can often get others to unlock their ankles.

In the initial stages of studying the Ankle Lock, we found that asking questions was reasonably successful (42%) in getting interviewees to relax and unlock their ankles. We discovered, however, that if an interviewer walks around to the interviewee's side of the desk and sits beside him, removing the desk as a barrier, the interviewee would often relax and unlock his ankles and the conversation would take on an open, more personal tone.

We were advising a company on effective customer telephone contact when we met a man who had the unenviable job

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of customer debt collection. We watched him make a number of calls and although he sounded relaxed, we noticed that, when he talked with customers, his ankles were continually locked together beneath his chair, but he didn't do this when he was talking with us. When asked 'How do you enjoy this work?', he replied, 'Fine! It's a lot of fun.' The verbal statement was inconsistent, however, with his non-verbal signals, although he did look and sound convincing. 'Are you sure?' we asked. He paused for a moment, unlocked his ankles and, with open palms, said, 'Well, actually, it drives me crazy!' He said that he receives several calls each day from customers who are rude or aggressive and he practised holding back his feelings in order not to communicate them to customers. We also recorded that salespeople who don't enjoy using the telephone commonly sit in the Ankle Lock position.

The Short Skirt Syndrome

Women who wear mini-skirts cross their legs and ankles for obvious, necessary reasons. Through years of habit, however, many older women still sit in this position, which can not only make them feel restrained, but others are likely to unconsciously read it as negative and react towards these women with caution.

Mini-skirts can give a woman the appearance that she's not approachable.

Some people will still claim they sit in the Ankle Lock position, or for that matter any negative arm and leg position, because they feel 'comfortable'. If you are in this category, remember that any arm or leg position will feel comfortable when you hold a defensive, negative or reserved attitude.

A negative gesture can increase or prolong a negative atti-

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How the Legs Reveal What the Mind Wants to Do

tilde, and other people will read you as being apprehensive, defensive or non-participant. Practise using positive and open gestures; this will improve your self-confidence and others will perceive you in a more positive way.

The Leg Twine

This gesture is almost exclusively used by women and is a trademark of shy and timid women and part-time contortionists. The top of one foot locks around the other leg to reinforce an insecure attitude and shows she has retreated into her shell like a tortoise, despite how relaxed her upper body may appear. A warm, friendly, low-key approach is needed if you eventually hope to open this clam.

Shy, timid people use the Leg Twine

Parallel-Legs

Because of the bone configuration of female legs and hips, most men can't sit like this so it becomes a powerful signal of femininity. Not surprisingly, over 86% of male participants in our leg rating surveys voted this the most attractive female sitting position.

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Men voted Parallel-Legs as their number one favourite position in women who are seated

One leg presses against the other and gives the legs a healthier, more youthful look, which appeals to men from a reproductive standpoint. This is the position taught to women in deportment and modelling classes. This position should not be confused with the woman who constantly crosses and uncrosses her legs when she's with a man she fancies - this is done to draw attention to her legs.

Put Your Right Foot In, Put Your Right Foot Out

When we're interested in either a conversation or a person, we put one foot forward to shorten the distance between us and that person. If we're reticent or not interested, we put our feet back, usually under a chair if seated.

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He's coming on strong with One-Foot-Forward and Crotch Display; she's either undecided or not keen

In the above scene, the man is trying to show interest in the woman by using typical male courtship body language: foot forward, legs apart, Crotch Display and Arms-Splayed to try to enlarge his overall perceived size and take up more space.

She's also using typical female no-go body language: legs together, body facing away, arms folded and minimising the amount of space she occupies. He's probably wasting his time.

Summary

Our feet tell others where we want to go and who we do or don't like. If you are a woman, avoid crossing your legs when you're sitting with businessmen unless you are wearing an A- line dress or at least one that is below the knee-line. The sight of a woman's thighs is distracting to almost all men and detracts from her message. They'll remember who she was but won't remember much of what she had to say. Many women Wear shorter dresses in business because this appearance is continually thrust at them by the media; over 90% of all female television hosts are presented with short dresses and exposed legs. This is because studies prove that male viewers Will watch the programme for longer, but the same studies also

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The Definitive Book of Body Language

show that the more leg a woman shows, the less men can remember the content of what she said. The rule here is simple

— for social contexts, exposed crossed legs are fine but don't do it in business. If you're a man dealing with women in business the same rule applies - keep your knees together.

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Chapter11

THE 13 MOST

COMMON GESTURES

YOU'LL SEE DAILY

The number one gesture cluster women can't tolerate men doing at work

People rarely think consciously about the effect of many of the seemingly simple non-verbal things they do. For example, when one person hugs another, most observers silently assume that the back patting that occurs towards the end of the hug is a gesture of affection and that the air kisses made - the sound made on the side of someone's cheek - is also affection. The reality is that the pat is used in the same way professional wrestlers use it - to tell the other person to end the hug and break the clinch. If you are really not too keen about hugging someone but are forced into it because the people ahead of you did it, you're likely to begin the back patting in the air even before the hug begins. The air kiss - with its accompanying sound - is given as a displacement of a real kiss that we don't want to give either.

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Most people use the Shoulder Tap to break a clinch - sincere huggers hold on tight. While she was holding firmly, he was tapping rapidly

This chapter covers some of the most common head gestures and body language clusters you are likely to see in your day-to-day dealings with others.

The Head Nod

In most cultures the Head Nod is used to signify 'Yes' or agreement. It's a stunted form of bowing - the person symbolically goes to bow but stops short, resulting in a nod. Bowing is a submissive gesture so the Head Nod shows we are going along with the other person's point of view. Research conducted with people who were born deaf, dumb and blind shows that they also use this gesture to signify 'Yes', so it appears to be an inborn gesture of submission.

In India, the head is rocked from side to side, called the Head Wobble, to signal 'Yes'. This is confusing for Westerners and Europeans, who use this gesture to communicate 'Maybe yes - maybe no'. As we've already said, in Japan, head nodding doesn't necessarily mean 'Yes, I agree' - it usually means 'Yes I hear you.'

Head nodding has its origins in bowing to appear subordinate.

In Arab countries they use a single, upward head movement, which means 'no' while Bulgarians use the common 'no gesture to mean 'yes'

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Why You Should Learn to Nod

Most people have never considered the power of head nodding as a persuasion tool. Research shows that people will talk three to four times more than usual when the listener nods their head using groups of three nods at regular intervals. The speed of the nod signals the patience - or lack of patience - of the listener. Slow nodding communicates that the listener is interested in what the speaker is saying so give slow, deliberate clusters of three head nods when the other person is making a point. Fast nodding tells the speaker you've heard enough or that you want them to finish or give you a turn to speak.

How to Encourage Agreement

There are two powerful uses of the Head Nod. Body language is an unconscious outward reflection of inner feelings so, if you feel positive or affirmative, your head will begin to nod as you speak. Conversely, if you simply start nodding your head intentionally, you will begin to experience positive feelings. In other words, positive feelings cause the head to nod - and the reverse is also true: nodding the head causes positive feelings. It's cause and effect again.

Head nodding is also very contagious. If someone nods their head at you, you will usually nod too — even if you don't necessarily agree with what they are saying. Head nodding is an excellent tool for creating rapport, getting agreement and cooperation. By finishing each sentence with a verbal affirmation such as, 'Isn't it?', 'Wouldn't you?', 'Isn't that true?' or 'Fair enough?', and with the speaker and listener both nodding their heads, the listener experiences positive feelings which create a greater likelihood of getting them to agree with you.

Head nodding encourages co-operation and agreement.

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After you've asked a question and the listener gives his answer nod your head during his answer. When he finishes speaking continue to nod your head another five times at the rate of about one nod per second. Usually, by the time you have counted to four, the listener will begin speaking again and give you more information. And as long as you nod and stay silent with your hand on your chin in an Evaluation position, there's no pressure on you to speak and you won't come across like an interrogator. When you listen, put your hand on your chin and give it light strokes because, as previously stated, research shows that this encourages others to keep talking.

The Head Shake

Research also indicates that the Head Shake, usually meaning 'No', may also be an inborn action and evolutionary biologists believe that it's the first gesture humans learn. This theory says that when the newborn baby has had enough milk, it shakes its head from side to side to reject its mother's breast. Similarly, a child who has had enough to eat uses the Head Shake to reject attempts to spoon feed him.

Shaking the head owes its origin to breastfeeding.

When someone is trying to convince you, watch if they use the Head Shake gesture while saying they agree. The person who says, 'I can see your point of view', or, 'It sounds good', or, 'We'll definitely do business', while shaking his head from side to side might sound convincing, but the Head Shake gesture signals a negative attitude and you would be well advised to be sceptical about it.

No woman believes a man who says 'I love you' while shaking his head. When Bill Clinton uttered his famous phrase, 'I did not have sex with that woman' during the Monica Lewinsky inquest, he did not use a Head Shake.

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