The Undomestic Goddess - Sophie Kinsella

“Of course. He’s right here…” She disappears briefly into chirpy Vivaldi, before the line clears again.

“Samantha.” Arnold’s friendly, assured voice booms down the line. “My dear girl. You’ve got yourself in a pickle, haven’t you?”

Only Arnold could describe the loss of a client’s £50 mil lion as a “pickle.” In spite of everything, I feel the beginnings of a smile. I can just picture him, in his waistcoat, his woolly eyebrows knitting together.

“I know,” I say, trying to match his understated tones now!“

“It’s… not great.”

“I’m obliged to point out that your hasty departure yesterday did not help matters.”

“I know. I’m so sorry. I just… panicked.”

“Understandable. However, you left a bit of a mess behind.”

Beneath Arnold’s jolly veneer I can hear unfamiliar levels of stress. Arnold never gets stressed. Things must be really bad..

I want to fall to the floor in a groveling heap, crying, “I’m so sorry!” But that wouldn’t help. I’ve already been unprofessional enough.

“So—what’s the latest situation?” I’m trying to sound sighs.‘

matter-of-fact. “Is there anything the receivers can do?”

“I think it unlikely. They say their hands are tied.”

“Right.” His response is like a hammer blow to the stom ach. So that’s it. The fifty million is gone for good. “And…

the insurers?“

“That is the next step, of course. The money will be recovered eventually, I’m sure. But not without complications. As I think you will appreciate.”

“I know,” I whisper.

There’s no good news. There’s no silver lining. I’ve fucked up. voice

“Arnold…” I say, my voice quivering. “I have no idea how I could have made

such a… a stupid mistake. I don’t under stand how it happened. I don’t even remember seeing the memo on my desk—”

“Where are you now?” Arnold breaks in.

“I’m…” I look helplessly out the window at the Geigers‘

gravel drive. “To be honest, I don’t even know exactly where

I am.“

“You don’t know?”

“I’m in the country somewhere. But I can come back right now!” My words tumble out. “I’ll get on the first train… I’ll only be a few hours…”

“I don’t think that’s a good idea.” There’s a new edge to Arnold’s voice, which pulls me up short.

“Have I… have I been fired?”

“There have been slightly more pressing matters to consider, Samantha.” He sounds testy.

“Of course.” I feel the blood rush back into my head. “I’m sorry. I just… I’ve been with Carter Spink all my working life. All I ever, ever wanted was…”

I can’t even say it.

“Samantha, I know you’re a very talented lawyer.” Arnold sighs. “No one is in any doubt of that.”

“But I made a mistake.”

I can hear tiny crackles down the line; my own pulse beating in my ears.

“Samantha, I’ll do everything I can,” he says at last. “I might as well tell you, a meeting has been arranged this morning to discuss your future.”

“And you honestly don’t think I should come in?” I bite my lip.

“It might do more harm than good at the moment. Stay where you are. Leave the rest to me.” Arnold hesitates, his voice a little gruff. “I’ll do my best, Samantha. I promise.”

“Thank you so much…” I say quickly. But he’s gone. Slowly I put down the phone.

I have never felt so powerless in my life. I have a sudden vision of them all sitting gravely round a conference table. Arnold. Ketterman. Maybe even Guy. Deciding whether to give me another break.

There’s still a chance. If Arnold is on my side, others might be too…

“Super girl.”

I jump at the sound of Trish’s approaching voice. “Well, of course I’ll check her references, but, Gillian, I am a very good judge of character. I’m not easily fooled…”

Trish rounds the corner, holding a mobile to her ear, and I quickly move away from the telephone.

“Samantha!” she says in surprise. “What are you doing? Still not dressed? Buck up!” She heads off again and I scuttle back to my room.

I suddenly feel bad.

In fact… I feel terrible. How are the Geigers going to react when I tell them I’m a total fraud? That I’m not a trained Cordon Bleu housekeeper at all, I just wanted a place to stay for the night?

I have a sudden image of them bundling me furiously out of the house. Feeling totally used. Maybe they’ll even call the police and file charges. Oh, God. This could get really nasty.

But, I mean, it’s not like I have any other option. It’s not like I could actually…

… Could I?

I pick up the blue uniform and finger it, my mind whirling round and round.

They’ve been so kind, putting me up. It’s not like I’m doing anything else right now. Its not like I have anywhere else to go. Maybe it’ll even take my mind off things, doing a little light housework—

Abruptly I come to a decision.

I’ll busk it for a morning. It can’t be that hard. I’ll make their toast and dust the ornaments or whatever. I’ll think of it as my little thank-you to them. Then as soon as I hear from Arnold I’ll find a convincing excuse to leave. And the Geigers will never know I wasn’t a proper housekeeper.

Hurriedly I put on my uniform and run a comb through my hair. Then I stand to face myself in the mirror.

“Good morning, Mrs. Geiger,” I say to my reflection. “And… er… how would you like the drawing room dusted?”

The Geigers are standing at the bottom of the stairs looking up at me as I descend. I have never felt more self-conscious in my life.

I’m a housekeeper. I must behave like a housekeeper.

“Welcome, Samantha!” says Eddie as I arrive down in the hall. He’s wearing a polo shirt with some crested logo, and golfing trousers. “Sleep all right?”