1Reviews and everything / Combined Rendering of When Money Talks love walks
.docAlex Kvartalny @ flamedragon27.blogspot.com
Group 501
Combined Rendering of the Articles When Money Talks Love Walks and Open Hearts, Closed Wallets?
According to the author of When Money Talks Love Walks Brett Harvey and Neasa MacErlean who wrote the Open Hearts, Closed Wallets? article, finances are what couples of all ages quarrel about most. The subject of the articles is the money-and-love issue. The main idea deals with resolving family finance issues. The authors’ message is that the most important step that can be taken towards resolving money problems in a relationship is to acknowledge and respect your differences. (Communication is the key to solving the issues and to preventing family break-downs).
The authors start off by saying that money conflicts are very common among couples. Rows about money are far more likely to happen if you have a low income and young children. There are a lot of arguments over attitudes to money. The authors are saying that fighting about money is being involved into that time-honoured lovers’ ritual. The statistical data provided by them that the number of people filing for divorce surges in January says of the bills that come in after Christmas and husbands being angry about women spending a lot of money. Unless partners discuss their attitudes towards money their relationship can collapse. They may very quickly find their relationships dissolving and all sorts of resentments building up. So the experts are saying that communication is the key to keeping your relationships and your bank accounts intact. Being in the thick of a love-and-money conflict, it may seem you’ll never see eye to eye. However, there are a number of exercises to help couples handle the spender-saver conflict. Certainly, there is a language in which to negotiate about money.
The authors provide us with a research. According to the results of the research, the green stuff is often a stand-in for your feelings about life’s emotional cornerstones: security, power, independence and love. Moreover, money often seems to stand for other messages about the emotional content of the relationship. Money is cited as the biggest cause of marital rows. This is the reason why it is vital to learn how to handle finance-related differences before they bankrupt your relationship. Some couples’ love/money troubles are rooted in one partner’s feelings about independence. Many people assume that because they have fallen in love, their attitudes to finance will also be the same. But their views – shaped by their own family background, culture, experiences and personality – are often very different. Also, money sometimes is connected with the emotional content of the relationship. Someone who is reluctant to share the money is often uncertain about the relationship as a whole. Someone who lavishes presents on their partner may be desperate for some kind of reassurance back. Money is often a metaphor for something else.
The authors suggest that one of the reasons for most money conflicts is that one of the partners spends more freely than the other. Spouses have different money habits. And age is the crucial factor here. Women tend to be impulse shoppers at the beginning of their careers while men usually become mega-shoppers later in life. Another reason for money troubles is that money habits are part of your permanent hard wiring. In case when spouses have different expectations about saving and spending is when someone who never runs up credit card bills is married to someone who is always up to the maximum. Spenders and savers operate out of different time orientations. The spender lives in the present, while the saver is focused on the future.
Another point the authors make is that one person’s approach to spending can send surprisingly strong signals to the other. It is one of the fundamental truths about money, the researchers claim, and it remains an unspoken issue. The way we handle it often says a lot about our emotions. Scrimping on money can be perceived as scrimping on affection.
Another suggested idea the authors come up with. It’s also possible that the partners have different beliefs about how much they should spend since attitudes to money develop in childhood. In some families spending liberally could be a sign of affection and the kids grew up measuring love in terms of dollars and gifts. When one of the partners balks at dropping bucks, the other one feels he’s withholding love. Having hefty savings may represent security – something that one of the partners might have learned from the family.
Then the authors move on to another point. Some love/money problems spring not just from spending habits, but also from different incomes and beliefs about who should pay for what. There is a problem of unequal earnings that still exists. Before women entered the workforce, men usually paid the bills, and often had the final say when it came to how money was spent. Now that both partners have their own incomes, there should be greater equity between them. But it doesn’t always work out that way. Women still tend to make a lot less money than men. And men often feel emasculated to ask their wives for pocket money. The one who earns less tends to have a reduced say in joint decisions. Women are also confused about how much financial weight to pull. Psychologists advise not to use money as a power tool and not to wield power in a relationship. They encourage an egalitarian approach among married couples, which would eliminate the need to police each other and enable the couple to work as a team. It is up to every partner to decide which particular formula to use.
The authors spotlight that some couples’ love/money troubles are rooted in one partner’s feelings about independence. Some have a fear of mingled finances and some women have a genuine horror of being dependent on a man for money. Financial independence represents security, some think and the pieces of advice given in this situation are the following: the transition from “me” to “we” doesn’t have to mean giving up autonomy.
The question that is asked by the authors is what is to be done? It is pointed out that experts recommend the idea of setting a budget for the household and all the money issues can be aired beforehand.
The authors move on to another development, which has altered life for some people. It is the growth of internet banking. In the past, affairs sometimes came to light when the husband’s bank statement was examined, revealing an illicit payment. People can have numerous accounts and conceal their transactions very easily nowadays; one partner will have far greater financial knowledge than the other. Unless they share it, that greater insight can become a power tool and another threat to the relationship.
The experts agree that the key to solving the problems is communication. Spouses should talk how money was handled by their parents, whether the allowance was given freely or begrudged. It can help to drag the roots of the money attitudes out into the light. It is vital to be as open and honest as you can from the outset and the best way forward is to talk about finances and attitudes to money.
Another solution is this. When the two have drastically different spending and saving habits, they’ll both have to take small steps to modify their behavior. The role reversal technique can be used for savers and spendthrifts. Try keeping a “money-watch diary”. After a few weeks, add up the numbers and see where your money is going and for what reasons. You’ll have a mirror that reflects what you value in your life and how you treat yourself. Once you can recognize patterns and understand how they work, you can begin to change them.
Psychologists suggest additional reality-testing for those who tend to equate their partner’s ability to spend money with his feelings of love. One of the partners can simply ask themselves whether that person is caring and attentive, consistent and reliable. These are better indicators of his affection than the way he spends his money.
In addition to everything mentioned above, a few simple exercises can help couples handle the spender-saver conflict as well as confront the fear of shared finances. The spouses can, for instance, practice sharing small amounts of money or making mutual decisions about entertainment money. You can do that and see if different beliefs emerge. Try advocating weekly business meetings or having a three or a “four accounts” system. This might give you individual freedom and a joint commitment).
The authors single out six questions to help pinpoint possible love/money trouble spots and add that of all the decisions on a first date, there’s none as loaded as the one that comes with the check. It’s the first love and money question a couple faces whether the woman also has to split the tab and to chip in. If she does it is a sign of the liberated times. However very often, Dutch is the accepted language.
The authors conclude that regardless of what money represents to each of you, the biggest step you can take toward resolving money problems in a relationship is to acknowledge and respect your differences. They also highlight that there are no easy answers and every one has to work out their money problems on their own. It is possible and quite manageable as long as there is commitment and trust.
I believe that the love-and-money problem is very important. Many factors should be taken into consideration in order to solve it. There are also many reasons for conflicts to arise. I agree with the authors that trust and commitment are two most important factors here. If the problem remains unsolved the partners can always swot up on it in the Internet.