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1Reviews and everything / Domestic Violence Problem Situation - both Parties are responsible for marital violence

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Alex Kvartalny @ flamedragon27.blogspot.com

Group 501

Both Parties are Equally Responsible for Marital Violence - Problem Situation

First of all, let me give a definition of what marital violence is. Marital violence, also known as domestic violence, domestic abuse, spousal abuse, child abuse or intimate partner violence (IPV), can be broadly defined a pattern of abusive behaviours by one or both partners in an intimate relationship such as marriage, dating, family, friends or cohabitation.

Violence between spouses has long been considered a serious problem. Why has it been like that? Percent of women surveyed (national surveys) who were ever physically assaulted by an intimate partner: Barbados (30%), Canada (29%), Egypt (34%), New Zealand (35%), Switzerland (21%), United States (25%). Only 10% of all domestic violence cases go reported, statistics show. Battering is the single greatest cause of emergency room visits for women (more than accidents, mugging and rapes combined). A woman’s chance of being physically assaulted by a partner or ex-partner during her lifetime is 20-33 per cent. 25-40 per cent of battered women are assaulted during pregnancy.

Marital violence can occur on many different levels. All forms of domestic abuse have one purpose: to gain and maintain total control over the victim. Abusers use many tactics to exert power over their spouse or partner: dominance, humiliation, isolation, threats, intimidation, denial and blame. So, abuse can be physical, sexual, emotional, verbal, economic. Stalking is often considered a type of psychological intimidation that causes a victim to feel a high level of fear.

In addition to that, to get an idea of how serious domestic violence is, I would like to show you one of the possible scenarios of domestic violence. First the husband tears apart his wife’s support network by pushing friends and family away. Then he takes control of a woman’s psyche by keeping the woman in fear and check. Terror and brainwashing reign in the family. Naturally, the victim would feel isolated, physically and mentally exhausted. Being financially dependant, the victim also risks serious injury and sometimes even death. It becomes very difficult for her to rebuild her shattered self-esteem. True, there are law enforcement agencies and courts to protect her, but the protection orders and restraining orders are not bulletproof. Besides, there is this mental trauma that is extremely difficult to recover from.

Now we are going to consider the arguments to prove or disproof the statement.

Pros:

1. It takes one side to start a fight. But it is the victim who accepts violence.

2. Being provoked is just an excuse to start a fight – the reasons are much deeper, for both partners.

3. No evidence exists to link alcohol use to the coercion, intimidation and control tactics that characterize batterers.

4. Even though the cycle is more likely to be repeated, the other partner can do things to prevent it from happening.

5. The sense of security makes the victim-victimizer game unnecessary.

6. Forgiveness is not working in domestic violence cases because the phenomenon tends to be cyclic.

Build-Up Phase - The tension builds.

Stand-Over Phase - Verbal attacks increase.

Explosion Phase - A violent outburst occurs.

Remorse Phase - You shouldn't have pushed me, it was your fault!

Pursuit Phase - It will never happen again, I promise.

Honeymoon Phase - See, we don't have any problems!

7. Counselling has proven an effective way of dealing with the problem both for the victim and the abuser.

8. Though violence can be wired, it is because of the way the victim reacts that it escalates.

9. The other partner may divert the stress in some other activity.

10. Fighting against violence increases violence.

Cons:

  1. One of the spouses sometimes has to accept violence if he/she is financially dependant on your partner.

  2. One of the partners provokes the other, so he or she is more responsible.

  3. The partner who abuses alcohol or drugs is the one to blame.

  4. The partner who was raised in an abusive household is likely to repeat the cycle of abuse he had witnessed.

  5. To avoid being a victim you have to be a victimizer.

  6. Anyone can make mistakes and lose one’s temper

  7. There is nothing the other side can do about the demon running inside the partner’s brain.

  8. Violence is genetically wired. While one partner can have it, the other may not.

  9. Marital violence is simply one’s reacting to stress and while one of the parters can be stressed, the other one can be just fine.

10. No matter what you do you cannot hide from it forever.

One of the strongest arguments to prove the statement that both parties are responsible for domestic violence can be found in the results of the numerous researches about the causes of violence, take for example the research of scientists from the University of Massachusets, Boston. Domestic violence being a part of violence and biology being able to affect behaviour, there is a possibility that to a degree violence is inborn. If so, then the saying “to hurt is just as human as to breathe” is true. Meaning that experiencing domestic violence is very natural and unless prevented by at least one partner (or a child if we’re talking about an extended family), it is likely to escalate. You can roughly compare violence at home to dust on the road. It is simply there and there is nothing you can do about it. Unless you clean your shoes or protect them from it you are likely to have it sticking.

There are several ways of preventing it, be it with laws or by changing your attitude. This research, however, supports the view that personal attitude of the victim is much more important than introducing laws because according to various researches, take Dale Carnegie for instance, the victimizer does not feel guilty and justifies violence in different ways mentioned above and in many cases is unwilling to change him or herself. From this perspective the laws aggravate him even more. Consequently, it is mostly up to the victim to handle the situation and prevent it from escalating. If he or she does not do it, the both parties are responsible. Some detailed information is provided below. Moreover, there has been a case when a married couple was sentenced to prison for breaching a distancing order and reuniting after hitting a troubled patch in their marriage. This vividly supports the view that violence produces more violence. Plus, if a man is arrested for domestic violence there is absolutely no guarantee that he is going to change - you can get the horse to the water, but you can’t make him drink – it is still up to that person to decide. And numerous cases have shown that

I believe that if you bear in mind the figures, the cases and the arguments that the experts are giving, domestic violence is an extremely burning issue. The impact it has on society is enormous. To conclude my presentation I would like to say that the evidence gathered provides enough ground to believe that both parties are equally responsible for domestic violence. Most importantly, however, is not the degree of responsibility but the mere fact of responsibility. One of the many causes for domestic violence, apart from the need to dominate and control, is the fact that spouses refuse to accept one another and feel the need to change another person. For instance, the batterer wants the victim to feel humiliated, or submissive, or it can be anything.

In addition to that, in response to what is going on they are changing the legislation, which in my opinion is extremely dangerous since it tunes the both the mind of the victim and the batterer into a certain framework. The OJ case did not, in my humble opinion, highlight ‘the secrets of domestic violence and its terrible toll on women’. OJ Simpson was a martyr that they used to generate money. Instead of teaching people to make the right choices, to live with love and purpose, they create artificial problems that are solved with real money, with your money in fact, whether you want it or not, if you pay taxes of course.

However, this war on domestic violence yet again spotlights the fact that people are unwilling to face the truth. They will look for anything to shy away from it. They will treat the symptoms, but not the cause. I believe this war on domestic violence will generate even more violence, death and psychological damage to women. It has shifted everybody’s attention from living a purposeful life to living a pattern, where you beat your wife, then get arrested, then you either get divorced or resort to counselling. Either way, you pay money to fix the problem that was made especially for you (you’ll have to buy another car, another house whatever). And that is what this domestic violence thing is all about – money and power.

But those who want more power are robbing you not only of your money, but also of your happiness. Another thing why humanity has so many problems is because people are sometimes lazy to fix them. They want others to do it for them. The main character of my favourite Into the Wild movie asks this question, ‘Cause, you know what I don't understand? I don't understand why people, why every fucking person is so bad to each other so fucking often. It doesn't make sense to me. Judgment. Control. All that, the whole spectrum’. I think I do understand. People who want money and power make others so bad to each other so often. But they are not to blame for the situation because it is up to every person to make up his or her mind, whether to accept the game or not, how to treat others – with hatred, jealousy or love and compassion.

This may sound like nonsense. I mean who can possibly be interested in creating such a thing as domestic violence – we all want to live in a bright future. But please bear in mind that the road to hell is paved with good intentions. Back in June earlier this year I got a letter from my friend. I would like to read an extract from it: ‘When I am asked to make a wish, I wish for world peace, seriously. It is an inoffensive wish I think as it implies the prerequisite of justice which is also, similarly a universally accepted good thing. However I wouldn't want you to think that I support thinking for other people and I suspect that would be counter-productive to the ideal goal of peace. To me, peace is the opportunity for people to fulfil their most humane and spiritual potential in contrast with war and injustice which provides the opportunity for the opposite potentials to be fulfilled. Peace is of course also the absence of war, and since wars affect me as an empathic observer (even when I am not involved in wars) I feel involved by my human nature to join in working to end suffering.’ Long have I thought over these words and I believe this is a very sincere and a very good wish. However, I also believe that it is up to each person to make up their own mind whether to live in peace or to wage wars. If everybody starts creating a healthy atmosphere within their own family, if everyone starts taking care of their own garden instead of trying to improve their neighbours’ while their own is in poor condition, I believe this world will be a better place. It is by encouraging others with your own example that you can really help others, not by being a warrior or a fighter in the war against domestic violence, because this will not only not make the issue go away, you will become a part of the hatred and the violence. It is worth supporting peace and friendliness I believe. Remember Gandhi and his ideas of nonviolence and how powerful they have been. Thank you very much.

Sources used:

  1. http://www.kporterfield.com/samples/domesticviolence.html

  2. http://www.tigweb.org/express/panorama/article.html?ContentID=3091

  3. http://www.stopvaw.org/Prevalence_of_Domestic_Violence.html

  4. http://www.allaboutlifechallenges.org/causes-of-domestic-violence-faq.htm

  5. http://alcoholism.about.com/cs/abuse/a/990407.htm

  6. http://www.coop-solutions.ca/articles/article4.html

  7. http://www.biscmi.org/documents/MEDIATION_AND_DOMESTIC_VIOLENCE.html

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