Sketches

The bank

Scene:

The manager's office in a bank

Characters: Miss D. Posit: the bank manager, Monica: Miss Posit's secretary, Mr. Moore: a customer, a bank robber

(Miss Posit is sitting on her desk. The intercom buzzes.)

Miss Posit: Yes, Monica?

Monica: Miss Posit, there's a gentlemen to see you. Mr. Moore.

Miss Posit: Ah, yes. Mr. Moore. Bring him in please, Monica.

Monica: Yes, Miss Posit.

(Monica brings Mr. Moore in.) Miss Posit: Good morning, Mr. Moore. Mr. Moore: Good morning.

Miss Posit: Thank you, Monica, (Monica leaves the office.)

Miss Posit: Do sit down, Mr. Moore. Mr. Moore: Thank you.

(He sits down.)

Miss Posit: Now, Mr. Moore, the situation is like this. Your account is in the red.

Mr. Moore: Pardon? Miss Posit: In the red.

Mr. Moore: I'm sorry, I don't understand. Miss Posit: In the red. Overdrawn.

Mr. Moore: Overdrawn. No, I'm sorry, I've never heard that word before in my life.

Miss Posit: It's very simple, Mr. Moore. It means that you've taken more money out of the bank than you've put in.

Mr. Moore: Oh, I see. Thank you very much. Miss Posit: I don't think you quite understand, Mr. Moore. It means that you've put in less than you've

taken out. Mr. Moore: Oh!

Miss Posit: Your account is overdrawn. £200 overdrawn.

Mr. Moore: £200 overdrawn. I see. Well, don't worry. I can put that right immediately.

Miss Posit: Oh, good.

Mr. Moore: Yes, I'll write you a cheque, shall I?

(He takes out his cheque-book and begins to write.)

Mr. Moore: Now... two hundred pounds...

Miss Posit: Mr. Moore, Mr. Moore, if you write me a cheque for £200, you'll be overdrawn more, Mr. Moore.

Mr. Moore: I beg your pardon?

Miss Posit:	More, Mr. Moore. M-O-R-E, more
Mr. Moore:	No, no...double-O...M-double-O-
	R-E, Mr. Moore. It is my name.
Miss Posit:	Mr. Moore, I don't think you
	quite understand the situation.
	You see -
	(The robber comes in suddenly.)
Robber:	Nobody move!
Miss Posit:	you see, if you write me a
	cheque for £200 -
Robber	I said: 'Nobody move!
Miss Posit: Can I help you?
Robber:	That's better. You
Mr. Moore:	Me?
Robber:	Yes. Read this.
	(He gives Mr. Moore a note.)
Mr. Moore: Oh. OK. Er... (Reading) Two
	pounds of tomatoes, six eggs,
	and a packet of chocolate bis-
	cuits.'
Robber:	No, no, no. The other side.
Mr. Moore:	Oh, sorry. Er,..(Reading) 'Give
	me all your...honey, or I'll...kiss
	you.'
Robber:	Not honey - money.
Mr. Moore:	Oh, sorry. (Reading) 'Give me all
	your money, or I'll kiss you.'
Robber:	Not kiss - kill
Mr. Moore:	Oh. Er...Miss Posit, I think this is
	for you.
	(He gives the note to Miss Posit.)
Miss Posit:	(Reading) Give me all your
	money, or I'll kill you.' I see.
	Would you sit down for a
	moment?
Robber:	Sit down?
Miss Posit:	Yes, I'm very busy at the
	moment. Please sit over there.
Robber:	But
Miss Posit:	I'll be with you in a moment.
	(The robber sits down.)

Miss Posit: Now, Mr. Moore. How much do you earn?

Mr. Moore: £35 a week. Robber: Excuse me.

Miss Posit: Just one moment, please!...So you earn £35 a week. How much do you spend?

Mr. Moore: £70 a week. Robber: Excuse me -

Miss Posit: One moment, please!!...£70 a week. So you spend twice as much as you earn.

Mr. Moore: Yes, I earn half as much as I

	spend.
Miss Posit:	How do you do it?
Mr. Moore:	It's easy. I use my cheque-book.
Miss Posit:	Exactly, Mr. Moore!
Robber:	Excuse me.
Miss Posit:	Yes!!
Robber:	I make £2,000 a week.

114 SKETCHES

Miss Posit: £2,000 a week? And how much do you spend?

Robber: £1,000 a week.

Miss Posit: Really? So you save £1,000 a week.

Robber: Yes.

Miss Posit : (Very politely) Would you like to

	sit here?
Robber:	Thank you.
Miss Posit:	Mr. Moore, would you sit over
	there for a moment?
	(The robber and Mr. Moore
	change places.)
Miss Posit:	So you save £1,000 a week.
Robber:	Yes.
Miss Posit:	Tell me...		where do you keep this
	money?
Robber:	Here. In this bag.
	(He puts a large bag full of
	money on the desk.)
Miss Posit:	Oh.	Oh, yes. Very		nice.
	Um...would you like to open an
	account, Mr....?
Robber:	Mr. Steele.
Miss Posit:	Steele. I see. S-T-double E-L-E?
Robber:	Yes, that's right.
Miss Posit:	Well, just excuse me one
	moment, Mr. Steele, and I'll get
	the necessary papers.
Robber:	Certainly.
Mr. Moore:	Excuse me...
Robber:	Yes?
Mr. Moore:	You make £2,000 a week.
Robber:	Yes.
Mr. Moore:	How do you do it?
Robber:	I rob banks.
Mr. Moore: Oh,		I see. You rob banks		and
	steal the money.
Robber:	Yes
Mr. Moore:	How do you do it?
Robber:	It's easy. You take a gun.
Mr. Moore:	I haven't got a gun.
Robber:	Oh...well, borrow mine.
Mr. Moore: Thank you very much.
	(Mr. Moore takes the gun and
	fires it.)
Robber:	Be careful! You take a gun and
	you take a note.
Mr. Moore: Oh,		yes,	the note. That's	very
	good. I like that. (Reading) Two
	pounds of tomatoes, six eggs
Robber:	The other side!
Mr. Moore: Oh, yes. (Reading)
	'Give me all your
	honey, or I'll kiss
	you!'
Robber:	'Money' and 'kill'
Mr. Moore:	Oh, yes.
Robber:	You take
	the note,
	go into the bank,
	and put the note
	on the bank
	manager's desk.

Mr. Moore: Is that all?

Robber:	Yes. Mr. Moore.
Mr. Moore:	I see.
	(Miss Posit comes back into the
	office.)
Miss Posit:	Ah. yes. Now, Mr. Steele

Mr. Moore: Give me all your honey...money, or I'll kiss...kill you.

Miss Posit: Money, Mr. Moore? Certainly. Take this bag.

(She gives Mr. Moore the robber's bag.)

Mr. Moore: Oh, thank you. That was easy.

Robber:	Yes, but
Miss Posit:	Mr. Moore, your account is still
	£200 overdrawn.
Mr. Moore:	Oh, yes. Well...um...Here you
	are.
	(He gives her £200 from the
	robber's bag.)
Mr. Moore:	£50... £ 100... £ I 50.. .£200.
Robber:	But... But...
Miss Posit: Thank you, Mr. Moore.
Mr. Moore: Goodbye.
	(Mr. Moore leaves.)
Miss Posit:	Now, Mr. Steele - your account
Robber:	But...But...But...
Miss Posit: Mr. Steele...
Robber:	Just a minute! I think some-
	thing's gone wrong. Hey, you!
	Come back! Bring back my
	money - and my gun! Come
	back!
	(He runs after Mr. Moore.)
Miss Posit:	(On the intercom) Monica, would
	you bring me some coffee,
	please? Some strong black cof-
	fee...

SKETCHES 115

The	Superlative			vacuum
cleaner						Salesman: Not a very good one, I'm afraid.
Scene:		The hall of a house				Housewife: I can see that.
						Salesman:	No, I'm a very bad vacuum
Characters:		A vacuum cleaner salesman, a					cleaner salesman. In fact, I'm
		housewife					the worst salesman in our com-
The salesman rings the doorbell several							pany.
						Housewife:	The worst?
times.						Salesman:	The worst, I sometimes think
Housewife:		Yes, I'm coming.					I'm the worst vacuum cleaner
							salesman in the world.
		(She opens the door.)				Housewife:	Oh, dear. Do you like your job?
Housewife:		Good morning.				Salesman:	Like my job? No, madam, I
Salesman:		Good morning, young lady. Is					detest my job. It's the most
		your mother in?					boring job in the world. Every
Housewife:		My mother? I'm the mother in					day it's the same: 'Good morn-
this house.		What do you want?					ing, young lady. Is your mother
Salesman:		Dust, madam.					in?...The Superlative vacuum
Housewife:		Dust?					cleaner...The quickest, the
Salesman:		Yes, madam. Dust.					cleanest,	the	cheapest,	the
Housewife:		I haven't got any dust.					smallest...'
Salesman:		Oh yes you have!				Housewife:	Well, is it the quickest?
		(He shakes dust onto the floor				Salesman:	No, it's probably the slowest.
		from a paper bag.)				Housewife:	Is it the cleanest?
Salesman:		All over your carpet!				Salesman:	Cleanest?	Don't make		me
Housewife:		Hey! I've just cleaned this car-					laugh! I don't think there's a
		pet! Why are you putting dust					dirtier vacuum cleaner on the
		all over it?					market. And it certainly isn't the
Salesman:		Don't worry, madam. I've got					cheapest either.
		the answer to all your problems				Housewife:	No, no, no. This is no good at
		here! The	Superlative vacuum				all.
		cleaner!				Salesman:	Pardon?
Housewife:		The Superlative vacuum clean-				Housewife:	Look, do you want to sell this
		er! Why's it called 'Superlative'?					vacuum cleaner or don't you?
Salesman:		Because,	madam, everything			Salesman:	I suppose so.
		about it is superlative. It's the				Housewife:	Well, your sales technique is all
		quickest,	the	cleanest,	the		wrong.
		cheapest,	the	smallest,	the	Salesman:	Is it?
		smartest, the most economical,				Housewife:	Yes. I could sell vacuum clean-
		the most effective, the most					ers better than you,
		beautiful, the most revolution-				Salesman:	No, you couldn't.
		ary vacuum cleaner in the				Housewife:	Yes, I could. I'll show you. You
		world. And it's only £65.					come into the house, and I'll
Housewife:		Are you trying to sell me a vac-					ring the bell and sell the vacu-
		uum cleaner?					um cleaner to you.
Salesman:		Yes, madam.				Salesman:	You'll sell the vacuum cleaner to
Housewife:		Well, go on, then.					me?
Salesman:		I've finished, madam.				Housewife:	Yes.
Housewife:		Finished? You haven't said very				Salesman:	OK. But it isn't as easy as you
		much. What sort of a vacuum					think.
		cleaner salesman are you?				Housewife:	We'll see. Go		inside and	shut

the door.

116 SKETCHES

Salesman:	All right,						the most revolutionary vacuum
	(The salesman goes into the						cleaner in the world.
	house and closes the door. The					Salesman:	(In a high voice again) Ooh!
	housewife rings the bell. The						How much is it?
	salesman opens the door.)					Housewife:	Just £65 to you, madam
Salesman:	Not today, thank you,					Salesman:	I'll buy one.
	(He closes the door. The house-					Housewife:	Good
	wife rings the bell again. The					Salesman:	(In his own voice) Er...where's
	salesman opens the door again,						the money?
	and speaks in a high voice.)					Housewife:	It's in my handbag on the
Salesman:	Yes?						kitchen table.
Housewife:	Hello!					Salesman:	Oh, right. (In the high voice) I'll
Salesman:	Hello,						just go and get some money.
Housewife:	My goodness me, what a beau-						He goes to the kitchen to get
	tiful house you've got!						the money.
Salesman:	Ooh, do you like it?					Housewife:	Good	idea,	madam.	You've
Housewife:	Like it? It's the most beautiful						made the right decision.
	house I've seen for a long time.						(The	salesman comes		back,
Salesman:	Thank you very much, may I						speaking in his own voice.)
	come in?					Salesman:	Do you know, you're a fantastic
Salesman:	Er ..						saleswoman.
Housewife:	Thank you, Oh, what a colorful					Housewife:	Ooh!
	carpet!					Salesman:	You've got a fantastic sales
Salesman:	Yes, it's lovely, isn't it?						technique.
Housewife:	It's the most colorful carpet I've					Housewife:	Do you think so?
	seen. I should think it was					Salesman:	Yes, you've got the best sales
	expensive.						technique I've seen all day.
Salesman:	The most expensive one in the					Housewife:	Thank you!
	shop.					Salesman:	Thank you, madam.
Housewife:	And I suppose you've got a very						(He leaves and closes the door.)
	good vacuum cleaner to look					Salesman:	(Speaking to		himself, counting
	after it.						the money) Ten, twenty, thirty,
Salesman:	A vacuum cleaner? No, I						forty, fifty, sixty, sixty-five. Now
	haven't.						that's the way to sell a vacuum
Housewife:	You haven't got a vacuum						cleaner.
	cleaner?
Salesman:	No.
Housewife:	Well, madam, this is your lucky
	day, because I have here the
	best	vacuum	cleaner		that
	money can buy: the Superlative
	vacuum cleaner.
Salesman: Is it really good?
Housewife:	Good? Good? It's the...the...
Salesman:	(In his own voice) Quickest
Housewife: ...the quickest, the...
Salesman:	Cleanest,
Housewife:	...the cleanest, the cheapest,
	the smallest, the smartest, the
	most	economical,		the	most
	effective, the		most	beautiful,

SKETCHES 117

Superman and the psychiatrist

Scene:	A	psychiatrist's	consulting
	room
Characters:	A	psychiatrist,	Angela (the
	psychiatrist's receptionist), Mr.
	Wilkins, Superman
The receptionist comes in.
Psychiatrist:	Who's next, Angela?

Receptionist: There's a man to see you, doc-

	tor. His name is Wilkins. He
	says he can't talk quietly. He
	can only shout.
Mr. Wilkins:	Can I come in?!!
Psychiatrist:	Hmm. Yes, I see. Ask him to
	come in.
Receptionist: Come in, Mr. Wilkins.
	(He comes in. The receptionist
	goes out.)
Mr. Wilkins:	Thank you! Hello, doctor. Sorry
	to trouble you.
Psychiatrist:	That's all right, Mr. Wilkins. Do
	sit down. Now... what seems
	to be the trouble?
Mr. Wilkins:	Er...Well, doctor, I can't talk
	quietly, I can only shout.
Psychiatrist:	(Shouting) How long have you
	been like this?
Mr. Wilkins:	Pardon?
Psychiatrist:	(Back to normal) How long
	have you been like this
Mr. Wilkins:	About a week.
Psychiatrist:	Well, don't worry. I think
	you've got a very nice shout-
	ing voice.
Mr. Wilkins:	But I can't go on like this. I'll
	lose my job.
Psychiatrist:	What is your job?
Mr. Wilkins:	I'm a librarian. I work in a
	library. I can't shout at work,
	you know.

Psychiatrist:	In that case, Mr. Wilkins, I
	think you should change your
	job.
Mr. Wilkins:	But what can I do? No one
	wants a man who can only
	shout.
Psychiatrist:	You could get a job as an
	English teacher.
Mr. Wilkins:	An English teacher?
Psychiatrist:	Yes, they shout all the time.
Mr. Wilkins:	All right, doctor. I'll do that.
	Goodbye.
Psychiatrist:	Goodbye, Mr. Wilkins.
	(He leaves, still shouting.)
Mr. Wilkins:	Hey, you! Write down this
	verb!
Receptionist: Goodbye, Mr. Wilkins.
	The receptionist comes back
	into the room.

Receptionist:	Is Mr. Wilkins all right, doctor?
Psychiatrist:	Yes. He's going to be an
	English teacher.
Receptionist: Oh.
Psychiatrist:	Who's next?
Receptionist:	Superman.
Psychiatrist:	Superman?
Receptionist:	Yes.
Psychiatrist:	Oh, I see,. someone who
	thinks he's Superman.
Receptionist: No,		doctor.	He	really is
	Superman.
Psychiatrist:	What? The big, strong man
	who flies through the air?
Receptionist: Yes.
Psychiatrist:	Oh, I see. Ask him to come in.
Receptionist: Yes,		doctor.	(To Superman)
	Come this way, please.
	(Superman		comes	in, very
	tired and out-of-breath.)
Superman:	Thank you.
Psychiatrist:	Thank you, Angela.
	(The receptionist goes out.)
Psychiatrist:	Good morning, Mr...er...
Superman:	Superman.

118 SKETCHES

Psychiatrist:	Yes, Superman. Do sit down.
	(Superman sits down.)
Superman:	Thank you.
Psychiatrist:	Well, what seems to be the
	trouble?
Superman:	Well, doctor, I'm Superman.
	People think I can do every-
	thing, but I can't. I can't do
	anything any more.
Psychiatrist:	What can't you do?
Superman:	I can't climb buildings, I can't
	lift cars...and I can't fly.
Psychiatrist:	Well, don't worry. A lot of peo-
	ple have that problem.
Superman:	But you don't understand. I'm
	Superman. If you can't fly, you
	can't be Superman. It's in the
	contract.
Psychiatrist:	Ah yes, I see.
Superman:	In the old days, when people
	called for Superman, I could
	run into a telephone box, take
	off my boring grey city suit,
	and become Superman, all in
	ten seconds. Yesterday, I went
	into a telephone box, and it
	took me fifteen minutes just to
	take off my trousers. And
	when I came out, I couldn't
	remember where I was going.
	What do you think of that?
	(The psychiatrist is asleep.)
Superman:	Eh?
Psychiatrist:	(Waking up) Er. What? Pardon?
Superman:	What do you think?
Psychiatrist:	I think you should change your
	job.
Superman:	But what can I do?
Psychiatrist:	Well, you've got a very nice
	face. You could be a pop
	singer.
Superman:	A pop singer?
Psychiatrist:	Yes, I can see it all now. Your
	name will be in lights! You'll be
	famous!
Superman:	But I am famous. I'm
	Superman.
Psychiatrist:	Not any more. From today,
	you are Rocky Superdazzle!
Superman:	Do you think it's a good idea?

Psychiatrist:	Yes, of course...Rocky,
	(The	receptionist comes in
	again.)
Receptionist: Doctor
Psychiatrist:	Yes, Angela?
Receptionist: Mr. Wilkins is back again,
	(Mr. Wilkins comes in, shout-
	ing as before.)
Mr. Wilkins:	Yes, I am. I've changed my
	mind. I don't want to be an
	English teacher. What else can
	I do?
Psychiatrist:	Don't worry, Mr Wilkins. I've
	got another job for you. You
	can	work		with	Rocky
	Superdazzle here.
Superman:	How do you do?
Mr. wilkins:	Rocky Superdazzle? That's not
	Rocky	Superdazzle!			That's
	Superman, I saw him in a tele-
	phone	box		yesterday.
	Superman! Huh! It took him
	fifteen minutes just to take off
	his trousers.
Psychiatrist:	Well, he was Superman, but
	he's not Superman any more.
	I think you can both work
	together...
	(A few weeks later, at a pop
	concert.)
Mr. Wilkins:	Ladies and gentlemen, you've
	heard of Rod Stewart! You've
	heard of Mick Jagger! You've
	heard of...Queen Elizabeth the
	Second of		England!		Well,
	tonight we present a new star
	on the pop scene. He's cooler
	than Rod Stewart! He's wilder
	than	Mick		Jagger!		And
	he's...taller			than	Queen
	Elizabeth		the	Second		of
	England! Ladies and gentle-
	men - Rocky Superdazzle!
	(The	audience		screams		and
	applauds.)
Superman:	Thank you! Thank you very
	much! Thank you!

SKETCHES 119

The lost property office

Scene:	A lost property office
Characters:	The lost property office clerk,
	a gangster, a policeman

The gangster runs into the lost property office. There are police cars passing in the street at high speed.

Clerk:	Can I help you?
Gangster:	Where am I?
Clerk:	You're in a lost property office.
Gangster:	A lost property office?
Clerk:	Yes. Have you lost something?
Gangster:	Probably.
Clerk:	What have you lost?
Gangster:	I've lost my...umbrella.
Clerk:	Ah, you want the Umbrella
	Section.
Gangster:	The Umbrella Section?
Clerk:	Yes. Go out into the street, turn
	left, and it's on the left.
Gangster:	Into the street?
Clerk:	Yes. You see, this isn't the
	Umbrella Section. This is the
	Animal Section.
Gangster:	The Animal Section?
Clerk:	Yes.
Gangster:	In that case, I've lost my dog.
Clerk:	You've lost your dog?
Gangster:	Yes.
Clerk:	Well, in that case, you want the
	Small Animal Section.
Gangster:	The Small Animal Section?
Clerk:	Yes. Go into the street, turn
	right, and it's on the right.
Gangster:	Into the street?
Clerk:	Yes. You see, this isn't the Small
	Animal Section. This is the Large
	Animal Section.
Gangster:	The Large Animal Section?
Clerk:	Yes.

Gangster: In that case, I've lost my ele-

	phant.
Clerk:	You've lost your elephant?
Gangster:	Yes.
Clerk:	I see. Well, I'll need a few
	details. Would you like to sit
	down?
Gangster:	I'd love to.
	(The gangster sits down.)
Clerk:	Now, first of all: Name.
Gangster:	Er... Winston.
Clerk:	Well. Mr Winston -

Gangster: No, my name isn't Winston. The

	elephant's name is Winston.
Clerk:	I see. And what is your name?
Gangster:	Churchill.
Clerk:	(Writing) Churchill. Address?
120	SKETCHES

Gangster:	Er...Churchill's Circus.
Clerk:	Oh, I see. It's a circus elephant.
Gangster:	Is it?...Yes. Yes, it is!
Clerk:	When did you last see him?
Gangster:	Who?
Clerk:	The elephant.
Gangster:	Oh, Winston. Well, we were on a
	bus yesterday
Clerk:	On a bus?!
Gangster:	Yes.
Clerk:	How did Winston get on a bus?
Gangster:	How did Winston get on a bus?
Clerk:	Yes
Gangster:	That's a very good question.
	Well...He waited at the bus stop,
	and when the bus came along,
	he put out his arm. And when
	the bus stopped, he got on.
Clerk:	I see. And then what happened?
Gangster:	Well, we were upstairs on the
	bus
Clerk:	Upstairs?!
Gangster:	Yes. Winston wanted to smoke a
	cigarette.
Clerk:	A cigarette?!
Gangster:	I know - I tell him every day:
	'Winston, smoking is bad for
	you." But he never listens.
Clerk:	Hmm. What happened then?
Gangster:	Well, I fell asleep.
Clerk:	You fell asleep?
Gangster:	Yes.
Clerk:	I see. And then what happened?
Gangster:	I don't know - I was asleep. But
	then I woke up, and Winston
	wasn't there.
Clerk:	Hmm. Well, I'd better ask you a
	few questions about him. What
	kind of elephant is he?
Gangster:	Oh, he's very nice - generous,
	loving...he likes collecting
	stamps.
Clerk:	No - when I say 'What kind of
	elephant?' I mean: Is he an
	African elephant?
Gangster:	Oh, no.
Clerk:	So he's an Indian elephant.
Gangster:	No.
Clerk:	What kind of elephant is he?
Gangster:	Scottish.
Clerk:	A Scottish elephant?!
Gangster:	Yes. He wears a kilt.
Clerk:	I see. What color is he?
Gangster:	Color? Well, he's elephant-col-
	ored.
Clerk:	And what color is that?
Gangster:	Blue.
Clerk:	Blue?!
Gangster:	It was very cold yesterday.
Clerk:	Yes, it was. Next question: Color
	of eyes.
Gangster:	Well, you know, like an elephant.
Clerk:	What color is that?
Gangster:	Red,

Clerk:	Red?!
Gangster:	Green.
Clerk:	Green?!
Gangster:	One red, one green.
Clerk:	One red, one green?!
Gangster:	Yes. We call him 'Traffic Lights'.
Clerk:	I see. Color of hair?
Gangster:	Hair?
Clerk:	Yes
Gangster: He hasn't got any hair.
Clerk:	I see. (Writing) Bald...So we're
	looking for a bald, blue, Scottish
	elephant, wearing a kilt and
	smoking a cigarette.
Gangster:	Yes.
Clerk:	Is there anything unusual about
	him?
Gangster: No, nothing at all.
Clerk:	Good. Now, Mr. Churchill, what
	should we do if we find Winston?
Gangster:	Well...Put a banana in your
	hand, walk up to Winston, and
	say 'Kootchie-kootchie-koo'
Clerk:	What will Winston do?
Gangster:	Well, if it's Winston, he'll sit
	down and he'll eat the banana.
Clerk:	All right, Mr. Churchill. Just wait
	a moment, and I'll call the
	Elephant Section.
Gangster:	Fine.
	(The clerk picks up the tele-
	phone and dials a number.)
Clerk:	Hello? George?... It's Brenda...
	l'm fine, thank you - and you?...
	Good. George, have you got any
	elephants?... You haven't? Hold
	on a moment. (To the gangster)
	He hasn't got any elephants.
Gangster:	No elephants? Well, not to
	worry. Sorry to have troubled
	you. Thank you for your help. I'll
	be on my way. Goodbye.
	(He gets up. A police car passes
	in the street. He sits down
	again.)
Gangster:	Er...Ask George to have another
	look.
Clerk:	All right. (On the phone)
	George, can you have another
	look?

Gangster: Tell him to look under the table.

Clerk:	Look under the table...What?...
	(To the gangster) He's got one.
Gangster:	A table?
Clerk:	No, an elephant.
Gangster:	An elephant.
Clerk:	Yes. It was under the table.
Gangster:	Really?
Clerk:	(On the phone) Yes, George, I'm
	listening...Yes...Yes...Yes...Yes...
	Yes. Hold on.(To the gangster)
	He's got a bald, blue, Scottish
	elephant, wearing a kilt and
	smoking a cigarette. It sounds

like Winston.

Gangster: What about the banana?

Clerk:	Oh, yes. (On the phone)
	George...I want you to put a
	banana in your hand, and say
	'Kootchie-kootchie-koo'...No,
	not to me - to the elephant.
	OK?...What?...Oh, no!
Gangster:	What's the matter?
Clerk:	The elephant sat down.
Gangster:	Good.
Clerk:	On George.
Gangster:	Tell George to give Winston the
	banana!
Clerk:	Right. (On the phone) George?
	George! Get up and give the
	banana to the elephant...Hello?
	What? Oh, no!
Gangster:	What is it?
Clerk:	He's eaten the banana.
Gangster:	Who? Winston?
Clerk:	No. George.
Gangster:	Oh, no!
Clerk:	(On the phone) George, I think
	you should bring the elephant
	down here. The owner is waiting
	to take him away.. .OK...Bye.
	(The clerk puts down the tele-
	phone.)
Clerk:	Don't worry, Mr Churchill. Your
	elephant will be here in a
	moment.
Gangster:	Look - before this elephant
	arrives,	there's something you
	should know -
	(They hear the sound of an ele-
	phant.)
Clerk:	Ah, that must be Winston.
	(They hear the sound of some-
	one falling over.)
Clerk:	And that's George.
	(Someone knocks at the door.)
Clerk:	Go on, Mr. Churchill. Open the
	door.
Gangster:	Oh, all right.
	(He opens the door.)
Gangster:	Hello,	Winston.	Kootchie-
	kootchie-koo!
Policeman: Mr. Churchill?
Gangster:	But...this isn't an elephant. It's a
	policeman.

Policeman: Very good, sir. Now, if you'd like to follow me...

Clerk: Goodbye, Mr. Churchill. And don't forget: If you lose your elephant again, the Lost Property Office is here to help you.

Gangster: Oh, good. I'll remember that, (He leaves with the policeman.)

SKETCHES 121

The travel agency

Scene: A travel agency in London Characters: A travel agent, Martin and

Brenda Spencer

The travel agent is sitting at his desk in the travel agency. The phone rings.

Travel agent: (On		the telephone) Honest
	Harry's Happy Holidays. Can I
	help	you? Oh, it's you,
	sir...This is Perkins speaking,
	yes...The holidays in Brighton?
	Well, I haven't sold very
	many...I'm doing my best, but
	people aren't interested in
	Brighton these days. My job?
	Yes, I do like my job...Yes; I do
	want to keep my job...Yes, sir.
	All right, I'll sell some holidays
	in Brighton. Yes, sir. Yes, sir.
	Goodbye.
	(He puts the phone down.)
Travel agent: Oh, dear.
	(Martin and Brenda come in.)
Martin:	Go on, Brenda.
Brenda:	Excuse me, is this a travel
	agency?
Travel agent: No,		madam. It's a fish and
	chip shop.
Brenda:	Oh, sorry. Come on, Martin.

Travel agent: No, no, this is a travel agency.

	Just a little joke.
Brenda:	Oh.
Travel agent: Yes,		welcome	to Honest
	Harry's Happy Holidays. Do sit
	down.
Brenda:	Thank you.
Martin:	Thank you.
	(They sit down.)
Travel agent: What can I do for you?
Brenda:	We'd	like some	information
	about holidays.
Travel agent: Oh, good.
Martin:	Yes, we'd like to go some-
	where interesting.

Travel agent: Somewhere interesting? Have

	you been to Brighton?
Martin:	Brighton? No, we haven't -
Travel agent:	Really?
Brenda:	and we don't want to, either.
Travel agent:	Why not?
Martin:	Well, it's not exciting. We want
	to go somewhere exciting.

Travel agent: Oh, I see. How about the

	Sahara Desert?
Brenda:	The Sahara Desert?
122	SKETCHES

Travel agent: Yes,		Have	you	ever been
	there?
Martin:	No, we haven't,
Travel agent: Well,		this is	the	holiday for
	you. Forty-five days in the
	middle of the Sahara Desert.
Brenda:	In the middle of the Sahara
	Desert? Is there anything to
	do?

Travel agent: Oh yes, there's plenty to do.

	Have you ever been in a sand-
	storm?
Martin:	A sandstorm? No, we haven't,
Travel agent: Oh well,		it's very exciting.
	There are	sandstorms nearly
	every day. And lots of danger-
	ous snakes. Have you ever
	been bitten by a dangerous
	snake?
MartinBrenda: No!
Travel agent: Oh well, it's very exciting.
Brenda:	No, I don't think we'd like
Travel agent: Sandstorms, dangerous
	snakes, and, on the last day,
	a stampede of camels!
Martin:	A stampede of camels? What's
	that?

Travel agent: Haven't you ever seen a stam-

	pede of camels?
Martin:	No.
Travel agent: Oh,		it's	very exciting. You
	stand in the middle of three
	hundred		camels;		someone
	fires a gun in the air - Bang!
	and all the camels get fright-
	ened and run away.
Brenda:	With us standing in the mid-
	dle?
Travel agent: Yes. Have				you ever seen a
	frightened camel?
Brenda:	No. Is it exciting?
Travel agent:	Exciting? It's terrifying!
Martin:	Isn't it dangerous?
Travel agent: Of		course		it's	dangerous!
	That's what makes it exciting!
Martin:	Er...how much is it?
Travel agent:	£800.
Brenda:	£800!

Travel agent: And £5 extra for the stampede

	of camels.
Brenda:	That's very expensive.

Travel agent: Ah, I see. You want something

	cheaper. Um...how about the
	Arctic Ocean? Have you ever
	been to the Arctic?
Martin:	No, we haven't,

Travel agent: Well, we can give you three weeks in a small boat in the Arctic Ocean. Each boat has a small hole in the bottom.

Brenda:

A hole in the bottom?

Travel agent: What

about

ten

days

in

Travel agent: and you have enough food for

Paris?...

ten days.

Martin:

That sounds marvelous!

Martin:

Ten days?

Travel agent: ...painting

the

outside of

the

Travel agent:

That's right.

Eiffel Tower.

Martin:

But the holiday is for three

BrendaMartin: No, thanks!

weeks.

Travel agent: Well, what about two weeks in

Travel agent: That's what makes it exciting!

Brighton?

And it's only £600.

Brenda:

No, thanks!

Brenda:

£600! It's still much too

Martin:

Just a minute. Did you say

expensive for us.

'Brighton'?

Martin:

Have you got anything a little

Travel agent: Yes. How about two weeks in

bit cheaper?

Brighton, staying in a nice

Travel agent: Cheaper...well, I don't know.

quiet hotel by the sea?

Let me see...Um...Oh, yes.

Brenda:

Well, yes...

Now this is a holiday to

Martin:

Yes, that sounds wonderful!

remember. The Amazon jun-

Travel agent: It's

not

very

exciting.

No

gle. Have you been to the

camels, no snakes, but you

Amazon jungle?

can't

have everything,

can

Martin:

No, we haven't.

you?

Travel agent: Well, this may be the holiday

Brenda:

No. That's very nice. We'll take

for you. We drop you into the

it.

middle of the Amazon jungle

Martin:

How much is it?

by parachute.

Travel agent: £50

each,

please. Could

you

Martin:

By parachute!

just sign this form for the

Travel agent: Yes, we drop you into the mid-

reservations?

dle of the Amazon jungle, with

(He gives Martin a form.)

a map.

Travel agent: Just here, please. Alarm signs.

Brenda:

Well, at least you get a map.

Travel agent: Thank

you. And here.

And

Travel agent: with a

map of the

London

here. And here. And... here.

Underground.

Thank you.

Brenda:

Oh. I don't think we'd like that.

Brenda:

Thank you very much.

It sounds very dangerous.

Martin:

Goodbye.

Travel agent: Yes, but it's very exciting! This

Travel agent: Goodbye and I hope you enjoy

is

the

twentieth

century.

your holiday.

People want exciting holidays.

(Martin and Brenda leave. The

You said you wanted an excit-

telephone rings.)

ing holiday.

Travel agent: On

the

telephone

Honest

Martin:

But all your holidays are dan-

Harry's Happy Holidays. Can I

gerous, expensive, and too far

help you?... Well, we've got

away from home.

some very nice holidays in

Travel agent: Oh,

I

see. Now you want

Brighton, as a matter of fact...

something nearer home.

Martin:

Er...yes.

Travel agent:

Have you ever been to Spain?

Martin:

No, we haven't.

Travel agent: We

can

offer you a

month,

fighting the strongest bulls in

Spain.

Brenda:

Bullfighting? No, I don't want

to do that.

Travel agent: Oh. Have you ever

been to

Paris?

Martin:

No, we haven't.

SKETCHES 123