Sketches

World record

Scene:

A TV studio

Characters: Michael Moonshine, Albert Hargreaves, Daisy Hargreaves (Albert's wife), Mabel Phillips, a man

Michael: Thank you. thank you, thank you. Yes, ladies and gentlemen, this is the program that gives you the chance to break a world record. We have here in the studio tonight two people who are trying to break world records. Let's meet them and see what they're doing. Tell me, sir, what is your name?

Albert: Albert Hargreaves.

Michael: Albert Hargreaves. Well, Albert, what are you doing?

Albert: I'm standing on one leg in a bucket of hot soup.

Michael: Ladies and gentlemen, he's standing on one leg in a bucket of hot soup!

(The audience applauds.)

Michael: Albert, how long have you been standing on one leg in that bucket of hot soup?

Albert: I've been standing here for six hours and fifty-eight minutes.

Michael: And what is the world record for standing on one leg in a bucket of hot soup?

Albert: The world record is seven hours and three minutes, Michael.

Michael: Seven hours and three minutes! And you've been standing there for six hours and fifty-nine minutes now. Well, Albert, you've only got four minutes to go!

(The audience applauds.)

Michael:	Albert, you've been standing on
	one leg in that bucket of soup for
	almost seven hours now.
Albert:	That's right, Michael.
Michael: Tell me - is the soup still hot?
Albert:	Yes. My wife's been coming in
	every half-hour with more hot
	soup. Here she comes now.
	(Mrs Hargreaves comes in.)
Daisy:	Here you are, Albert.
	(She pours some hot soup into the
	bucket.)
Albert:	Aaaargh!
Michael:	Well, I'm glad it's your leg in the
	soup. Albert, and not mine.
	(The audience laughs.)

Michael: Now we have another contestant in the studio, a very charming young lady. Can you tell the viewers your name?

Mabel: Mabel Phillips.

Michael: Mabel Phillips. Well, Mabel, what are you doing?

Mabel: I'm leaning on this brush. Michael: She's leaning on a brush, ladies

and gentlemen!

(The audience applauds.)

Michael: Mabel, how long have you been

	leaning on that brush?
Mabel:	I've been leaning on this brush for
	three hours and seventeen min-
	utes.
Michael:	She's been leaning on the brush for
	three hours and seventeen min-
	utes. What is the world record for
	leaning on a brush, Mabel?
Mabel:	Thirty-seven hours and fifty-six
	minutes.
Michael:	Thirty-seven hours and fifty-six
	minutes! And you've been leaning
	on that brush for three hours and
	seventeen minutes, Well, Mabel,
	you've got...three, four, five, six -
	you've got a long way to go!
	(The audience laughs.)

134 SKETCHES

Michael:	Well, Albert has been standing on	Daisy:	Here you are, Albert.
	one leg in his bucket of hot soup		(She pours some more soup into
	for seven hours and one minute, so		the bucket.)
	he's only got two more minutes to	Albert:	Aaaargh!
	go! Poor Mabel's got a long way to	Michael:	Tell me. Albert, how does it feel?
	go...And here is another young	Albert:	Hot!
	man - and he hasn't got any		(The audience laughs.)
	trousers on.	Michael:	No, no, no! How does it feel to be
	(The audience laughs.)		approaching the world record?
Michael:	Now, sir, what are you doing?	Albert:	Well, Michael, I've been dreaming
Man:	I'm looking for my trousers.		about this moment, I've been
Michael:	I can see that. And how long have		thinking about nothing else
	you been looking for your	Michael:	Yes, Albert.
	trousers?	Albert:	I've been practicing every day
Man:	I've been looking for my trousers	Michael:	Yes, Albert.
	for five minutes.	Albert:	Twice on Sundays!
Michael:	And what's the world record?	Michael: Yes - and		here comes Mrs.
Man:	Pardon?		Hargreaves
Michael:	What's the world record for looking	Albert:	Oh no, not again!
	for trousers?	Michael:	It's all right, Albert, she's only
Man:	I'm not trying to break a world		looking at her watch!
	record. I took my trousers off to		(The audience laughs.)
	have a bath, and when I got out of	Daisy:	Albert! Albert! Only ten seconds to
	the bath, my trousers were gone.		go! Ten, nine, eight, seven (Mabel
Michael:	I see. Get out of the way! We're on		pushes Albert.)
	television! The audience laughs.	Mabel:	(Ironically)	Congratulations,
Michael:	Sorry about that, ladies and gen-		Albert!
	tlemen. Now back to Albert	Albert:	Aaaargh!
	Hargreaves. Albert, you've been	Albert falls over.
	standing in that bucket of hot soup	Michael:	Well, ladies and gentlemen, Albert
	for seven hours and two minutes.		Hargreaves hasn't broken a world
	Only one more minute to go, and		record, but he has broken...his
	you will break the world record.		leg!'
	And here comes Mrs. Hargreaves
	with more hot soup!

135