15. A Perfect Flatmate.

When I was 21, I came to live in London. I shared a damp basement flat with a beautiful ex-art student from Brighton. Her name was Sam. She had long brown hair and a slim figure that I was madly jealous of. She ate three chocolate bars for breakfast every morning.

I used to lie in bed looking at her eating and getting dressed, wondering how she could possibly consume so much sugar without losing her teeth, her figure or her complexion. She’d put on her make up in under a minute, throw on whatever clothes happened to be lying around the room, and rush off to work looking like a model on the cover of a fashion magazine. Like me, she was just an art teacher in a secondary school.

I, on the other hand, used to put on weight if I even smiled at a bar of chocolate. I’d already lost several upper teeth, my face was spotty and I looked like a heavyweight boxer whatever I wore.

My morning reaction to Sam was always the same. I'd shut my eyes, pull the blankets over my head and force myself back to sleep. I knew that I really ought to get up too, and make use of the early start to have a shower, iron my blouse, polish my shoes, paint my nails and eat something for breakfast.

But I have never been what you'd call a morning person. The teaching job I was doing at the time was the only period of my life, thank goodness, that I've had to be anywhere by 8.30 a. m. Anyway, I needed a few extra comforting dreams after the shock of seeing Sam looking so beautiful. Going back to sleep to shut everything out, and using my bed as a favourite means of retreat, became an addiction - my worst habit.

Of course, I overslept and was late for work every angle day of the week. Eventually I was told if things didn't improve I might be given the sack. So I gave up my job and got married instead. I blame it all on Sam and her beauty.

1. Do you ever envy your friends who look cool?

2. How can a smart appearance influence a person's life?

3. Do you think that Sam was the only reason of the narrator's misfortunes?

4. Do you sympathize with the narrator? Why/ Why not? Give your reasons.

Baby-sitters LTD. (After H. Messinger).

I was a confirmed bachelor, and though I was fond of sitting. I took a dim of babies. But one day I meet my friend Reginald and his wife and they complained about the sorrows of parenthood, meaning that they have a baby that kept them busy and prevented them from visiting places as they did in the merry old childless days.

'There is a show on, ' Reginald said, 'which we should like to see, but…' 'The baby,' his lovely wife exclaimed hypnotizing me with her lovely eyes. Reginald then began to slap my back and remarked that a friend in need is a friend indeed. Margie, his wife, went on hypnotizing me with her lovely eyes (brown with green dots), and then I still didn’t understand they gave it to me point-blank. 'Oh, Benny', his lovely wife began, 'I feel it. You are a friend indeed.' All this meant that I was doomed to baby-sitting while the married couple was having good time. Well, to cut a long story short I broke down and promised to come to their place and take care of the baby, an eight-month-old boy named Billy.

And I kept my promise. When I came they were ready to leave. 'He's fast asleep, ' Margie whispered to me, 'if you are lucky he'll sleep till we are back!' And they left hastily.

I was alone in the Reginald’s home with the baby. When I looked at him, his eyelids began to flutter. Hastily I went to the cocktail cabinet and had a drink. Then I began looking through photo-albums.

This pleasant phase of the evening suddenly came to an end, when a cry from the crib made me jump. I gathered all my courage, put on a charming smile and approached the baby. From his pillow he looked at me angrily and gave another nerve-shattering yell. The bottle! According to instruction I ran to the kitchen and carried a baby-bottle to the lips of Master Billy. He waved it away, spilling the milk onto the suit.

'Never mind, old chap,' I said to him, for I have read somewhere that one should treat them grown-ups. 'Now let’s have fun. '

And the fun began. The child continued to vell. I had a drink to strengthen me, then I took him in the cradle of my arms and singing "It’s a long way to Tipperary". I recited Hamlet. "To be or not to be" He didn’t like either the music or the poetry. I sat down at the telly, the baby upon my knee. He showed a keen dislike to our programme — and probably he was right. Instead of looking at the screen, he took my tie and crumpled it. So from television we passed on to clowning. I wriggled my nose, made faces and performed my famous imitation of a nervous hen. He found it screamingly funny. He screamed. I lifted him up on my shoulder and ran around the room, horse-fashion. Suddenly I felt damp and then a wet diaper flapped my creeks. Quickly I put wet child into his bed, and shouting he had done before was a mere whisper comparing to what he produced now. I got frightened.

From a safe distance I looked at the damp child with distaste… I saw a ridiculous similarity with his father. I had never really liked Reginald. I now remembered that once I had lent him a fiver which he never returned. I don’t know what Margie saw in the fellow. And here his son, Reginald all over... I tried the bottle again. He knocked it out of my hand. I hummed a lullaby, but he did not hear. Despair in my heart slowly turned into hatred.

Then the front door rang. When I opened it my eyes saw an angel. 'I can help you with the baby,' the angel said sweetly. 'If you don't mind, of course. It was Margie's idea.'

I asked her. Swiftly she took charge of matters, did something to the child so that it became calm and smiling. The evening turned out quite charming. When the parents returned, they found Joan, which was the angel's name, and me dancing to the wireless. They smiled.

Now I’m married to Joan. We have a baby-boy who keeps as busy. Sometimes we wish for babyless privacy. Would you like to do baby-sitting for us? By the way, Joan has a very charming girl-friend, still unmarried…

Questions:

1. Are men usually fond of baby-sitting? Why / why not?

2. Did the narrator manage with the baby all right?

3. Did you ever have to stay with little baby? Tell about your experience.

4. Do you think having family and children is a thing of importance?