Books on Happiness / 365_Steps_to_Self-confidence-A_Programme_for_Personal_Transformation_in_Just_a_Few_Minutes_a_Day

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Getting Motivated

Building confidence takes time, patience and effort. You will have to take a few risks. At times you will feel anxious. How can you motivate yourself to put up with the discomfort and persevere?

We humans are motivated by:

A want or need which induces tension. Only if these are unsatisfied can there be motivational power.

Perceptions of ‘pleasure’ and ‘pain’. We seek pleasure and are driven by a desire to avoid pain.

Hopes and expectations that we can get what we want, and that everything will come right in the end.

The strongest motivation comes from a passionate desire for something pleasurable, coupled with the avoidance of pain.

The best way to motivate yourself is to set yourself some worthy goals, find plenty of reasons why you want to accomplish them, and keep in mind the consequences of failure – which is what you are about to do.

Goals are so important that I shall assume for the rest of this programme that you have several on the go at all times. More about them in Section 29.

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G E T T I N G M O T I V A T E D

‘To change one’s life: Start immediately. Do it flamboyantly. No exceptions. No excuses.’

Professor William James

*****

29

Ask yourself, ‘What am I trying to achieve by believing I lack confidence?’ Write down the answers.

A difficult one, this. You may have to be more honest with yourself than you’re used to; but don’t skip over it just because it makes you feel uncomfortable – your answers may illuminate and surprise you.

30

Write down this sentence:

‘If I had an excellent self-image and total confidence in my abilities, I would...’ Write down whatever comes to mind.

31

Take each item on your list from Confidence Builder 30 and make it a firm goal. Write it in the form:

‘My goal is to...’

Commit yourself unreservedly to working towards these goals.

32

Make yourself very comfortable, either sitting or lying down. Close your eyes, take a few deep breaths and allow your imagination to flow freely. Imagine you have accomplished the goals you set yourself in confidence Builder 31. Visualise them coming true in every detail. How do you feel?

When you open your eyes write down any thoughts that come into your head.

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33

Think of something you can do as a first step towards each goal set in Confidence Builder 31, one action you can take to get the ball rolling – even if it’s just making a short phone call or reading a relevant magazine article – and do it now. No exceptions, no excuses!

34

Write the following affirmation on a small card and carry it with you. Repeat it silently or out loud, at least ten times, three or four times a day:

‘I think, speak and act confidently at all times.’ More about affirmations in Section 10.

35

Take a trip to your local library or book shop, find the self-help shelves and browse. There are dozens of excellent self-help books, chock full of information and ideas. Make your choice, and spend a few moments every day reading useful, inspiring material or listening to tape programmes. (There is a recommended reading/listening list on page 223)

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G E T T I N G M O T I V A T E D

‘It feels really good to do something for myself.’

One person who was motivated to change was Lynne. She had lived by other people’s rules for most of her life, usually allowing others to make decisions on her behalf. Then one evening, after a heated row, her abusive and manipulative husband of 20 years stormed out in a rage, threatening to throw himself over a cliff. He expected her to beg him to return, as she had always done before. But unbeknown to him she had been quietly working on her confidence and this time she refused. At first he threatened, then he pleaded, but she held firm.

This was the beginning of a new phase in her life. Six months later, no longer facing the daily outbursts which she had previously endured, her home was a haven of calm. She had taken computing lessons, found a well paid job, enrolled for evening art classes, and was performing with a local group of singers. Even her son, no longer having to endure the tension, was happier and more settled at school.

‘Since I worked on my confidence,’ Lynne said, ‘I feel as if I’m in control. It feels really good to do something for myself that I’ve always wanted to do. And I know if I don’t I’ve only got myself to blame’.

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6

Determination

Determination is perhaps the quality that underpins all success. No one gets very far without it. If you’ve lacked confidence for years it won’t change overnight without determination on your part.

Every choice you make – including the choice to become more confident – is a result of weighing up the balance of ‘pleasure’ and ‘pain’. When faced with a decision, you consciousIy or subconsciously weigh up the alternatives and their consequences. You ask yourself:

What are the advantages of pursuing this course of action? If I go ahead, what will be the probable rewards? How much pleasure will it bring? Are there any disadvantages? How much ‘pain’?

If I do not go ahead, how much ‘pain’ will I avoid? And how much ‘pleasure’ am I likely to forego?

For example, learning a new skill potentially brings many future benefits, but may involve shortterm sacrifices, especially the time and effort you put in. But as long as you keep in mind the advantages that will come your way, your determination remains strong. Anything is possible if you have enough reasons to change.

It only takes 30 days to lay the foundations for lasting change in your thinking, your behaviour and your life.

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D E T E R M I N A T I O N

‘If you head towards your goal with courage and determination, all the powers of the universe will come to your aid.’

Ralph Waldo Emerson

*****

36

Write a few notes on the advantages of staying as you are and not becoming more confident, both for yourself and others. For example, your friends and family may prefer you passive and compliant. What reasons are there for remaining in your present comfort zone?

You’ll find this exercise remarkably thought-provoking.

37

List at least ten benefits to you personally of your becoming more confident. How much ‘pleasure’ will it bring? Think about your work, your career, your social relationships and family life, leisure pursuits, health, and your mental, emotional and spiritual wellbeing.

Then add the benefits of your increase in confidence to other people. For example, your family could benefit in numerous ways from being associated with a new, more confident you.

38

List at least ten reasons why staying as you are is unacceptable. What will you miss out on? How much ‘pleasure’ will you forego?

39

Now consider the price to be paid – the time, effort, stress and uncertainty – that accompanies change. Consider these questions:

What must I do to build my confidence?

What price must I expect to pay for becoming more confident?

How much effort will it take? How much effort am I willing to make?

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40

In Confidence Builders 36-39 you have identified:

The rewards of becoming confident.

The advantages of staying as you are.

The disadvantages of not changing.

The disadvantages of becoming more confident.

Reflect on these. What have you learned?

41

Summarise the benefits of becoming more confident on a small card. Carry it with you and read them aloud every day for the next 30 days. Make them into a small poster and display it on your Wall of Confidence. The card and poster will reinforce your determination, especially when your quest for confidence takes you into uncharted waters.

42

Make this your motto:

‘From now on I intend to be confident. My confidence must change; I must change it; and l can.’

Say it out loud. As you recite it, smile knowingly to yourself. It will soon be firmly imprinted on your memory.

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D E T E R M I N A T I O N

‘Feel the fear and do it anyway.’

There’s no better example of determination and persistence than author Dr Susan Jeffers.

Married at 18, by the age of 25 she felt trapped in a life of tedious domesticity. Believing she was meant to be doing something in addition to raising a family, she enrolled at university, gaining a B.A. and an M.A. six years later. By the mid-seventies she had become the Director of New York’s Floating Hospital, an educational and medical facility for the disadvantaged. It was there she began her journey into self-discovery that eventually led to her writing her first million selling self-help book, Feel The Fear And Do It Anyway.

Written in 1986, Feel The Fear… was mocked and rejected by most of the major publishers, who had no experience of this type of book. One told her, ‘Lady Di could be cycling nude down the street giving this book away and still nobody would read it.’

But she was determined to succeed. ‘If an idea is a pioneering one,’ she observed, ‘it often seems foolish and flies in the face of established wisdom.’ Now, thanks in no small part to her efforts, the self-help genre is a well-established and much appreciated section of the book trade.

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Think like a confident person

Now it’s time to take a close look at how you think.

As the greatest and wisest teachers have always taught, improving the quality of your thoughts improves your life almost immediately:

The Bible quotes King Solomon: ‘As a man thinketh, so shall he be.’

The Buddhist text, The Dhammapada, states: ‘We are what we think. All that we are arises with our thoughts. With our thoughts, we make our world.’

The Greek philosopher Socrates said, ‘To find yourself, think for yourself.’

When you think like a confident person, you automatically feel more confident and act more confidently. Positive thinkers are the happiest and most successful. Sometimes all it takes to change your life forever is a single thought!

Humans are not robots: you can intentionally choose how to think, and if you are serious about building your confidence you must start changing your thinking patterns without delay. The next few sections explain how.

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T H I N K L I K E A C O N F I D E N T P E R S O N

‘Unless there be correct thought, there cannot be any action, and when there is correct thought, right action will follow.’

Henry George

*****

43

When you think like a confident person you feel more confident and act more confidently, so commit yourself to taking charge of your thoughts. Write this sentence on a small card and repeat it to yourself, with conviction, several times a day:

‘I am a positive thinker – I think and talk confidently at all times.’

44

Consider: Are you a negative thinker? A killjoy? Do you find it difficult to think positively? Does your conversation often take on an air of doom and gloom? This awareness is critical to your wellbeing now and in the future, so be totally honest with yourself.

45

If the answers to the questions in Confidence Builder 44 is no, give yourself a pat on the back and promise to continue as a positive thinker.

If the answers are yes, reflect:

What has my negative thinking brought me so far?

How different would I be if I were more positive in my outlook?

Write down at least six differences that being more positive would make to your life.

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