15

Revising and editing TTs

Throughout the course, we have considered translation sometimes as a process, and sometimes as a product. The assessment of existing TTs has been an important feature in practicals. In this chapter, we turn our attention to the final stage of translation as a process, where the proposed TT is actually examined as a product.

Any form of post-translation process is an operation carried out in writing on a pre-existent text. Revision is concerned with ensuring accuracy by eliminating errors and inconsistencies. Errors of accuracy can be relatively minor, such as spelling mistakes or punctuation, but they can also include ungrammatical or misleading constructions. And it is not only the language of the TT which may be wrong or unsuitable: the concepts themselves may have been distorted in transmission. The TT is the sum not only of a translator's ability in the two linguistic systems concerned, but also of knowledge of the subject matter in question. So, for example, a translator may be equipped linguistically to tackle a text on computer software, but not have the expertise necessary to make the right terminological and practical decisions, thereby undermining the TT's authoritativeness.

In this chapter we shall refer to revision where the task concerns checking a TT against the ST for accuracy, and to editing where the TT requires `polishing' after the revision process. The two overlap to some extent, especially where TT peculiarities are not so much errors as features of style and/or register.

As a preliminary exercise, it will be useful to assess the quality of the following three TTs and point out where the faults lie. They are all taken from the same collection of articles. It is obvious from the varied quality of the translations in this volume that several different people were commissioned to translate it.

ST 1

TT 1

5Disfunzioni odierne. Napoli è, a giudizio unanime, una città invivibile. I problemi posti dalla odierna condizione metropolitana

Today's misfunctionings. Naples living standard is unanimously considered extremely poor. The problems posed by the present

				REVISING AND EDITING TTS					145
ST 1			TT 1
hanno determinato il collasso della			metropolitan way of life caused the
città. La patologia derivante da una			city	collapse.		The	pathology,
`concentrazione senza sviluppo' si			deriving		from	a `concentration
manifesta in un diffuso fenomeno			without any improvement', shows
di `calcuttizzazione' della struttura			a'Calcutta-like' urban structure.
urbana. Gli effetti macroscopici di			The	main		effects	of	this
tale degenerazione sono:- paralisi			degeneration are:- The City traffic
del traffico: vi sono solo 3 strade di			paralysis: there are only three roads
attraversamento est-ovest della città			available crossing the lower town
bassa (via Partenope, tunnel della			from east to west (Via Partenope,
Vittoria, via Chiaia); questa è			the Vittoria tunnel, via Chiaia);
collegata alla città alta mediante 3			three roads connecting the lower
strade.			part with the upper part.
10
15
					(Loris Rossi 1987:175)
ST 2			TT 2
5 Densità. Non	è	determinata da	Density. It is not determined by
figure astratte di progettazione, ma			abstract planning figures but by the
dalla qualità di vita raggiunta			quality of life achieved through an
attraverso	una	concezione	urban concept.
urbanistica. Economia. Una densità			Economics. Higher density reduces
più alta riduce i costi del progetto di			the project's cost of land, public
un suolo, dei servizi pubblici. Spazi			utilities and services.
aperti. Montecalvario è uno spazio			Open spaces. Montecalvario is the
aperto, grande, verso il quale ogni			large open space toward which
cosa concorre. Piccoli spazi aperti			everything		concurs.		Small	open
definiti dalla geometria dei palazzi			spaces defined by the building's
sono raggruppati lungo i viali			geometry		are	grouped		along
pedonali lontano dal traffico. I			pedestrian malls away from traffic.
percorsi, lungo e sotto gli aggetti dei			The malls, along or under
palazzi, forniscono una protezione			building's		overhangs,		provide		a
contro le intemperie per la			weather protected circulation across
circolazione attraverso il luogo.			the site.
10
15

(Catalano 1987:107)

146 THINKING ITALIAN TRANSLATION
ST3	TT 3
La collina ed il mare. L'area	The Hill and the Sea. The area we are
interessata è la fascia che va dal	concerned with is a		piece	of land
Vomero (via Cilea) fin giù al mare.	which descends from the
5 Il tema è quindi la collina ed il		Vomero (Via Cilea) right down as
mare, i due poli entro cui si muove		far as the sea. Thus the theme is the
la vicenda della città. È prevista su		hill and the sea. The nervecentre of
via Cilea una piazza su cui si		the city's life is here, in the area
innesta 1'asse visivo e pedonale che		lying between these two focal
continua con Calata San Francesco;		points.
si recupera così un tessuto di		A square is planned on Via Cilea,
recente formazione, privo di qualità		on to which a visual and pedestrian
urbane.		axis will be grafted, continuing
L'asse geometrico dritto verso		down Calata San Francesco. In this
Capri attua quella osmosi visiva che		way a fabric of recent formation
è il primo contatto con la		and lacking in urban quality will be
formidabile presenza paesistica del		recovered.
golfo, le cui acque sono intrise di		The geometrical	axis	which
miti.		continues on to Capri, performs that
		visual osmosis which is the first
		point of contact with the formidable
		presence of landscape in the bay,
		whose waters are saturated with
		myths.
10
15

20

(Dalisi 1987:117)

TT 1 looks like the work of a non-native speaker of English. There is poor lexis and syntax (`misfunctionings', `the city traffic paralysis', `caused the city collapse', `Naples living standard'). Restructuring the text has distorted the ST meaningÐit is not so much that the `living standard' of Naples is `extremely poor' as that Naples is an impossible place to live in. In the rendering of `strade di attraversamento', `available' is an arbitrary addition.

ST 2 is possibly more challenging than ST 1. The TT is certainly no better than TT 1. In addition to problems of lexis (`astratte figure', `concorre'), the poor translation of `costi del progetto di un suolo' shows that the translator does not understand this concept. The wrong use of the apostrophe in `building's' downgrades this TT even further.

Reading TT 3 is something of a relief. The ST contains certain idiosyncrasies, which could cause interpretation problems. There is an example in `i due poli

REVISING AND EDITING TTS 147

entro cui si muove la vicenda della città'. Here the translator has restructured the phrase by splitting it into two sentences, but cohesion perhaps suffers from this inversion of the `due poli' and `vicenda' units. While `the formidable presence of landscape in the bay' does suggest the renowned (if stereotyped) view of the Bay of Naples evoked by `formidabile presenza paesistica del golfo', it has far less impact than the ST expression. As this translator is given to restructuring the ST, any revision of the article as a whole will have to involve careful evaluation of the accuracy and appropriateness of departures from ST structures.

Unusual translations may also be thrown up in technical translation, as for example in the following excerpt from a trade brochure:

ST

5L'estrusione a freddo dell'alluminio ha trovato un'importante applicazione nei particolari per filtri carburante (nafta e benzina). L'alluminio è preferito al ferro zincato per il suo

10 migliore comportamento nelle prove in atmosfera salina. I pezzi da noi realizzati fino ad oggi sono le vaschette ed i tubetti interni. [¼] Sempre per l'alimentazione carbu

TT

The cold extrusion of the aluminium has found an important application in the parts for fuel filters (Diesel oil and petrol). The aluminium is preferred to the

galvanized iron for his better behaviour for the tests in the saline atmosphere. The pieces we have realized till now are the cans and the inside tubes. [¼] Always for

15rante produciamo oggi carcasse per the fuel's feeding we are now pompe di diverso tipo. Dove manufacturing frames for pumps of particolari esigenze di durezza e various type. Where particular

resistenza	lo richiedono,	abbiamo	exigences	of	hardness	and
realizzato	l'applicazione	di inserti	resistance request it, we have
in acciaio.			realized
			the application of steel inserts.

A peculiarity of this TT is that some appropriate technical terms have been used, but are stitched into a practically meaningless fabric.

In the literary field, a survey of published translations of Italian classics shows that not all translators are of the stature of a William Weaver. Here is an example:

ST

5Ma sul punto di uscire, abbracciò con lo sguardo la chiesa intera con le sue file di colonne, il suo soffitto a cassettoni, il suo pavimento deserto, il suo altare e gli

TT

Just as he was on the point of going out, however, he cast a glance round the church, with its rows of pillars, its coffered ceiling, its deserted floor, its great altar,

148 THINKING ITALIAN TRANSLATION

10sembrò di dare addio per sempre all'immagine antica e sopravvissuta di un mondo come lo desiderava e sapeva che non era più possibile che fosse. Una specie di miraggio

alla rovescia, ritto in un passato

irrevocabile, dal quale i suoi passi lo allontanavano sempre più. (Moravia 1981:111)

(Moravia 1952:114)

and it seemed to him that he was saying farewell for ever to an ancient survival of a world such as he longed for and such as he knew could never exist again. It was a kind of mirage in reverse, based on an irrevocable past from which his steps carried him further and further away.

Using `however' instead of `but' slows the sentence down needlessly. The addition of `great' to `altar' is redundant, or at least inappropriateÐone normally refers to an altar as `high', if this quality is specified or implied. More importantly, `immagine' has not been rendered, so that Moravia's picture is simplified and weakened. The mirage simile is also weak in the TT, as `reverse' does not capture `alla rovescia'; worse still is the anodyne `based' for `ritto'.

Of course, it is one thing to criticize a translation, but another thing entirely to revise and edit it. How does one go about such a complex task? The revision and editing process comprises several activities, which broadly speaking fall into two stages. The first is checking the TT for adherence to the ST in terms of accuracy: the reviser focuses on errors, omissions, additions, names and titles, figures and tables, etc. The second stage focuses on the end-user of the TT, and attempts to achieve the `optimum orientation of the translated text to the requirements of the target readership' (Graham 1983:104).

At the revision or checking stage, greater emphasis is usually placed on accuracy than on terminology. The objectivity of the reviser should ensure that any ambiguities or unclear phrasing are dealt with before passing on to the editing stage. There are no hard and fast rules for editing, though critical factors are certainly appearance, appeal, impact, harmony, taste, register and style. If revision is concerned with the `bare bones' of the TT, the editing process will perform `remedial surgery' (Graham 1983:103), which should consist of `upgrading the terminology, clarifying obscurities, reinforcing the impact, honing the emotive appeal to suit the target reader'. A final `cosmetic' stage should be to ensure that the appearance and layout of the TT respect the requirements as stated by the client.

A knotty issue is style, as style and language-use obviously vary from one translator to another. Care must be taken that changes are only made to items which are in some way incorrect or unsuitable, not those which are merely phrased differently from the way the translator/reviser would phrase them. For example, there is an enormous difference in legal English between `will' and `shall' used in the third person, particularly in the context of contracts and agreements, but in the first person these forms are interchangeable. In a text