Making the Break

So why don't battered women leave? Contrary to popular per­ceptions, most do. Battered women leave even though studies show that leaving can be very dangerous. When the batterer is no longer in control, he characteristically responds by escalating the violence. In almost three fourths of spousal assaults, the woman was divorced or separated at the time of the attack. And more women are killed when they try to flee than at any other time.

Leaving an abusive marriage is an enormous psychological and practical undertaking. Further trapping of a battered woman is her emotional dependency on her batterer. Studies have shown a correla­tion between a battered woman's state of mind and the so-called Stockholm Syndrome, in which prisoners, no matter how maltreated, come to identify with their captors. «A battered wife identifies with her violent husband because she chose this person as a life partner», explains Smith.

Typically, a battered wife makes the break when she can no longer deny the roll the abuse is taking on her children. But without resources, many battered women are stuck. Most abused wives are economically dependent on their abusers. Nicole Brown was an 18-year-old waitress when she met OJ. Simpson. She never had her own income. In Kate Bumham's case, her husband kept her spending on a tight leash, using that as another lever for humiliation and con­trol. By and large, advocates say, women on the run are broke. And there is often nowhere to go. A woman fleeing a violent man often can't run to her family and close friends, because he is sun: there first. And if he's armed, she could be endangering them.

Renting is often not an option because landlords don't rent out advance payment of the first and last month's rent. Then too, moving to a low-end neighborhood holds little appeal for women accustomed to the security and comfort of a middle-class lifestyle. «We hear many women say, I'd rather deal with violence in my home than violence in die streets», says Cusick.

Shelters are usually the option of last resort. Few women have a clue about how to contact a battered-worn en's shelter. In many states battered-women's shelters turn away five women for every two they accept. And if a woman ends up stranded on the streets with her child, the state has a name for that: neglect. It is not at all uncom­mon, lawyers say, for a batterer to win custody of his children simply because he has more money to care for them. A study by the Nation­al Center for Protective Parents found that 63 to 84 percent of men who attempt to win custody succeed - even when there is a history of domestic violence.

After the Shame: a New Life

Against this backdrop, Kate Burnham was courageous enough to break her silence. While Americans still tolerate a grisly level of dai­ly violence, talking openly about domestic abuse is an important be­ginning. Burnham's decision to speak out about her past means that, for the first time, she has people to turn to for help. «I used to ad­dress the world with my head down)), she says. «Now I can walk into a room with people and look someone in the eye when I'm talking to them. For the first time in many years, I can honestly say that I like myself». She has a new job, loyal friends and a new credo. «The one thing I know is, when you keep secrets, it's dangerous».