- •I winced as Carlisle did something to my arm that stung.
- •If she hadn't been in my line of sight, I wouldn't have noticed Alice give up and steal out of the room. With a tiny, apologetic smile on her lips, she disappeared through the kitchen doorway.
- •I couldn't imagine anyone, deity included, who wouldn't be impressed by Carlisle. Besides, the only kind of heaven I could appreciate would have to include Edward.
- •I immediately thought of Edward's words this afternoon: unless you want to die–or whatever it is that we do. The lightbulb flicked on over my head.
- •I nodded in fervent agreement.
- •I didn't answer. I imagined what my life would be like if Carlisle had resisted the temptation to change his lonely existence… and shuddered.
- •I felt bad about that later. It was more painful and lingering than necessary.
- •I cringed at his remoteness. 'Tell me you forgive me."
- •I racked my brain for some way to salvage the evening. When we pulled up in front of my house, I still hadn't come up with anything.
- •I hopped out, reaching back in for my packages. He frowned.
- •I collapsed back onto my pillow, gasping, my head spinning. Something tugged at my memory, elusive, on the edges.
- •I swallowed, trying to dislodge the sudden lump in my throat. The guilt made my head bow and my shoulders slump. I'd run them out of their home, just like Rosalie and Emmett. I was a plague.
- •It was hard to even remember the reason for all this mess. My birthday already felt like the distant past. If only Alice would come back. Soon. Before this got any more out of hand.
- •I didn't answer. I couldn't think of a way to protest, but I instantly knew that I wanted to. I didn't like this. This is bad, this is very bad, the voice in my head repeated again and again.
- •I took a deep breath, too. This was an acceptable option. I thought I was prepared. But I still had to ask.
- •I shook my head back and forth mechanically, trying to clear it. He waited without any sign of impatience. It took a few minutes before I could speak.
- •It was black for a long time before I heard them calling.
- •I nodded and closed my eyes obediently.
- •I could tell he didn't want to answer. He looked at the floor under his knees. "They're celebrating the news." His tone was bitter.
- •I shook my head, recoiling. The sound of his name unleashed the thing that was clawing inside of me–a pain that knocked me breathless, astonished me with its force.
- •I sighed. "Then tell me what you do want me to do."
- •I glowered at him. The heat almost, but not quite, reached my face. It had been a long time since I'd blushed with any emotion.
- •I grimaced when Mr. Varner dismissed the class five minutes early. He smiled like he was being nice.
- •It amounted to the same thing.
- •I shrugged. "Just scared."
- •I smiled back, and something clicked silently into place, like two corresponding puzzle pieces. I'd forgotten how much I really liked Jacob Black.
- •It wasn't like I'd saved up enough to go anywhere special–and besides, I had no desire to leave Forks anyway. What difference would it make if I skimmed a little bit off the top?
- •I nodded. "Nice to meet you, too."
- •I shook my head. "No way. I'm bankrolling this party. You just have to supply the labor and expertise."
- •I talked to him at work, didn't I? Did I? I thought so…
- •I nodded, trying to look embarrassed. "It was pretty scary."
- •I sighed It was like I was starting all over again.
- •I wasn't sure what the hell I was doing here. Was I trying to push myself back into the zombie stupor? Had I turned masochistic
- •I knew that part of the reason I did this was the nightmare, now that I was really awake, the nothingness of the dream gnawed on my nerves, a dog worrying a bone.
- •I was hoping that déjà vu was the key.
- •I didn't answer right away, either, and he glanced up to check my expression.
- •I made a gesture indicating the two of us as a single entity. He liked that–he beamed.
- •I was driving slowly,
- •I was surprised to hear Sam Uley's name. I didn't want it to bring back the images from my nightmare, so I made a quick observation to distract myself. "You don't like them very much."
- •I spoke quickly again to divert myself from the bleak memories. "Isn't Sam a little too old for this kind of thing?"
- •I stared at Jacob, biting my lip anxiously–he was really frightened. But he didn't look at me.
- •I asked. His horror was spreading to me. I had chills running on the back of my neck.
- •I threw my arms around him instinctively, wrapping them around his waist and pressing my face against his chest. He was so big, I felt like I was a child hugging a grown-up.
- •It took four more kicks before the ignition caught. I could feel the bike rumbling beneath me like an angry animal. I gripped the clutch until my fingers ached.
- •I was dizzy and confused. It sounded like there were three things snarling–the bike over me, the voice in my head, and something else…
- •I clapped my hand over my head. Sure enough, it was wet and sticky. I could smell nothing but the damp moss on my face, and that held off the nausea.
- •I was going to compliment him, but I caught myself. No doubt he'd add another few years to his inflated age.
- •I laughed too, glad to have Jacob back to normal.
- •I saw a chance and took it without taking time to think it through.
- •I raised one eyebrow. "Some people are hard to discourage."
- •I towed Mike out into the cool, wet air. He inhaled deeply. Jacob was right behind us. He helped me get Mike into the back of the car, and handed him the bucket with a serious gaze.
- •I could barely hear his answer. "I don't think I have the same thing you did."
- •I stood for a moment with the phone still in my hand.
- •I knew it was just because I was alone, missing Jacob's carefree whistle and the sound of another pair of feet squishing across the damp ground.
- •I couldn't swallow. My foot started to ease back, but I froze when his red eyes flickered down to catch the movement.
- •I staggered back another step. The frantic growling in my head made it hard to hear.
- •I shook my head, though I must have been starving. I hadn't eaten all day.
- •I crossed over to the wrong side of the road to stop next to him. He looked up when the roar of my truck approached.
- •I looked at Quil eagerly, waiting for his answer. He stared out the windshield for a second before he spoke. "From a distance," he finally said.
- •I nodded. "Jake told me…before."
- •I was surprised and distracted as the warning words came in Edward's voice again, when I wasn't even scared.
- •I chased him back to the truck. "Wait!" I called as he turned toward the house.
- •I didn't believe that this was really what Jacob wanted to say. It seemed like there was something else trying to be said through his angry eyes, but I couldn't understand the message.
- •I blinked my wet blurry eyes, suddenly sure that I was dreaming.
- •I looked up at him, the tears not yet dried on my cheeks. "Why in the world would I be okay, Jacob?"
- •I shook my head wearily. "I don't understand anything."
- •I let my head fall into my hands. My question came out muffled by my arm. "Why?"
- •I blinked twice, trying to clear my head. I was so tired. Nothing he said made sense.
- •I took a deep breath and tried to concentrate. "You asked about my truck…"
- •In order to pump him for information.
- •I made a weak grimace. "I'll try."
- •In his place was an enormous, red-brown wolf with dark, intelligent eyes.
- •I clutched my head in my hands, trying to keep it from exploding.
- •I stepped back out, and shut the door quietly behind me.
- •I flinched away from his hostile expression. He seemed to be waiting for an answer, so I shook my head.
- •I stared at him blankly for one second before I understood. Then the blood drained from my face and a thin, wordless cry of horror broke through my lips.
- •I thought about that carefully. "When you were mad before…when I was yelling at you… and you were shaking…?"
- •It wasn't over.
- •I thought that would bother you."
- •I started the truck and headed back up the road.
- •In the same second, Jacob was running across the road straight for the monster.
- •I turned to stare at him – my wide eyes felt frozen, like I couldn't even blink them.
- •I tried to comfort myself with their lack of concern, but I couldn't drive the brutal image of the fighting werewolves from my head. My stomach churned, sore and empty, my head ached with worry.
- •I frowned at him. "Why would I stare?"
- •I noticed that Emily didn't particularly like that Sam would be in the smaller grouping. Her worry had me glancing up at Jacob, worrying, too.
- •It did mean something to me. I couldn't imagine that – the wolves running faster than a vampire. When the Cullens ran, they all but turned invisible with speed.
- •I hesitated a second. This felt like a question he would ask of his spy, not his friend. But what was the point of hiding what I knew? It didn't matter now, and it would help him control himself.
- •I realized that I was still. There was no tug of the current on me – the heaving was inside my head. The surface under me was flat and motionless. It felt grainy against my bare arms.
- •I tried to open my eyes. It took me a minute, but then I could see the dark, purple clouds, flinging the freezing rain down at me. "Jake?" I croaked.
- •It was my turn to shudder, though I wasn't so cold here, right next to his ridiculous body heat.
- •I swallowed hard.
- •I thought he would be thinking of Harry, but then he spoke, and his tone was apologetic.
- •If I turned my face to the side – if I pressed my lips against his bare shoulder...I knew without any doubt what would follow. It would be very easy. There would be no need for explanations tonight.
- •I froze.
- •It was just Carlisle, I told myself.
- •I glanced at him, ripping my unwilling eyes off the Mercedes – terrified that it would disappear the second I looked away.
- •I nodded sheepishly.
- •I sighed and let my head hang back, staring at the ceiling. "That's going to be a problem."
- •Instead, we talked about her family – all but one.
- •I didn't know what to say, and, after a short pause, Alice moved on to lighter topics.
- •I stared at her, putting it together. "You can't see werewolves?"
- •I locked gazes with first Jared and then Embry – I didn't like the hard way they eyed me; did they really think I would let anything hurt Jacob? – before I shut the door on them.
- •I followed him. He paced back and forth along the short counter.
- •I glared at him, annoyance rekindled. "Well, run along now. Go tell Sam that the scary monsters aren't coming to get you."
- •I recovered myself and held out my hand for the phone. Jacob ignored me.
- •I labored to pull myself up despite the dizziness. I realized it was Jacob's arm I was gripping for balance. He was the one shaking, not the couch.
- •I reminded him.
- •It took the length of one heartbeat for me to comprehend.
- •I stared at her with my jaw clenched in frustration. I'd heard nothing yet that would explain why we were still standing here.
- •I shook my head, tears spattering from my eyes with the sharp motion. I pulled my arm free, and he didn't fight me.
- •I just nodded in time with my bouncing.
- •I tried to tune out what Alice was murmuring to Jasper; I didn't want to hear the words again, but some slipped through.
- •I realized why her eyes begged for my understanding. She was protecting Jasper, at our expense, and maybe at Edward's, too. I understood, and I did not think badly of her. I nodded.
- •I ground my teeth in mute frustration.
- •I leaned closer to Alice. Her lips were at my ears as she breathed the story.
- •I thought about it. "Nope, I have no idea."
- •I shrugged.
- •I touched her arm.
- •It wasn't enough to make me hopeful, to make me feel the relief she obviously felt.
- •I sighed. "I really wish you could have been right about me. In the beginning, when you first saw things about me, before we even met…"
- •I stared at her, frozen with shock. Instantly, my mind resisted her words. I couldn't afford that kind of hope if she changed her mind.
- •I bit my lip. "If you don't do it now, you'll change your mind."
- •I ran to the door and threw myself in, feeling as though I might as well be wearing a black stocking over my head.
- •It was crowded, and the foot traffic slowed our progress.
- •I peeked under Edward's other arm to see a small, dark shape coming toward us. By the way the edges billowed, I knew it would be another one of them. Who else?
- •Verdict
- •In the middle of the room was a high, polished mahogany counter. I gawked in astonishment at the woman behind it.
- •I glanced at Edward's hard face, and wondered how his mood could have been darker before.
- •I wanted to groan when Edward pulled me through to the other side of the door. It was the same ancient stone as the square, the alley, and the sewers. And it was dark and cold again.
- •I stared in shock as he called our names informally, as if we were old friends dropping in for an unexpected visit.
- •I was the slowest to turn.
- •I looked at Marcus's dead face, and I believed that.
- •I turned back to Aro and raised my hand slowly in front of me. It was trembling.
- •I didn't even meet her gaze. I watched Edward from the prison of Alice's arms, still struggling pointlessly.
- •I looked at Jane, too, and she no longer smiled. She glared at me, her jaw clenched with the intensity of her focus. I shrank back, waiting for the pain.
- •It was the white-haired Caius who broke the silence.
- •It might be nice if she did change though, Alice thought to herself, then Edward could see her as a vampire and that might make him rethink this ridiculous idea of keeping her human.
- •I stared up at her, frightened, but she only seemed chagrined. It was then that I first heard the babble of voices – loud, rough voices – coming from the antechamber.
- •I knew it was stupid to react like this. Who knew how much time I had to look at his face?
- •I was relieved there was another way out; I wasn't sure if I could handle another tour through the underground.
- •I stretched as he spoke. I was so stiff.
- •I groaned. "Fabulous."
- •I'd really been hoping to put off this part of our last conversation. It was going to bring things to an end so much sooner.
- •I shook my head while the tears continued to ooze from the corners of my eyes.
- •I stared at him darkly for a long moment. "The way I feel about you will never change. Of course I love you – and there's nothing you can do about it!"
- •I grimaced. "Be serious, please."
- •I wanted to believe him. But this was my life without him that he was describing, not the other way around.
- •I asked a different one. Almost – but not quite – as hard.
- •I rolled my eyes. "The worst the Volturi can do is kill me."
- •I liked the idea of time. "Okay," I agreed.
- •I only wanted to take away the agony in his eyes, but as I spoke the words, they sounded truer than I expected they would.
- •I wasn't sure how to explain. "Do you remember what Alice said about extreme sports?"
- •I thought of that night in Port Angeles when I'd had my first delusion. I'd come up with two options. Insanity or wish fulfillment. I'd seen no third option.
- •I was deeply relieved that he really seemed to understand – comforted that this all made sense to him. At any rate, he wasn't looking at me like I was crazy. He was looking at me like…he loved me.
- •I shuddered. He took that as a yes.
- •I cringed away, my hands over my ears.
- •I stared at him, waiting… "Okay. What's the punch line?"
- •I looked away, out the dark window, trying to control the panic before it gave me away.
- •I interrupted him. "Another misunderstanding."
I felt bad about that later. It was more painful and lingering than necessary.
"I wasn't sorry, though. I've never been sorry that I saved Edward." He shook his head, coming back to the present. He smiled at me. "I suppose I should take you home now."
"I'll do that," Edward said. He came through the shadowy dining room, walking slowly for him. His face was smooth, unreadable, but there was something wrong with his eyes–something he was trying very hard to hide. I felt a spasm of unease in my stomach.
"Edward, what are you thinking?" Alice asked softly.
"Me or him?" Edward asked.
"Him... but you do seem the best one to ask to find out the answer to that," Alice said.
"I think you know what he is thinking," Edward said. "I can't hurt her like this again..."
"Don't do it," Alice said softly.
"I can't stop him," Edward gravely.
"Carlisle can take me," I said. I looked down at my shirt; the light blue cotton was soaked and spotted with my blood. My right shoulder was covered in thick pink frosting.
"I'm fine." Edward's voice was unemotional. "You'll need to change anyway. You'd give Charlie a heart attack the way you look. I'll have Alice get you something." He strode out the kitchen door again.
I looked at Carlisle anxiously. "He's very upset."
"Yes," Carlisle agreed. "Tonight is exactly the kind of thing that he fears the most. You being put in danger, because of what we are."
"Because of my family," Edward added bitterly, and Jasper frowned slightly but didn't say anything.
"It's not his fault."
"It's not yours, either."
I looked away from his wise, beautiful eyes. I couldn't agree with that.
"Of course not," Edward hissed, but he almost laughed at the same time.
Carlisle offered me his hand and helped me up from the table. I followed him out into the main room. Esme had come back; she was mopping the floor where I'd fallen–with straight bleach from the smell of it.
"It does get the smell out the fastest," Emmett smiled.
"Esme, let me do that." I could feel that my face was bright red again.
"I'm already done." She smiled up at me. "How do you feel?"
"I'm fine," I assured her. "Carlisle sews faster than any other doctor I've had."
"Of course," Emmett said. "And I've bet she's had many to compare him to."
They both chuckled.
Alice and Edward came in the back doors. Alice hurried to my side, but Edward hung back, his face indecipherable.
"C'mon," Alice said. "I'll get you something less macabre to wear."
She found me a shirt of Esme's that was close to the same color mine had been. Charlie wouldn't notice, I was sure. The long white bandage on my arm didn't look nearly as serious when I was no longer spattered in gore. Charlie was never surprised to see me bandaged.
"Of course not," Emmett laughed.
"Alice," I whispered as she headed back to the door.
"Yes?" She kept her voice low, too, and looked at me curiously, her head cocked to the side.
"How bad is it?" I couldn't be sure if my whispering was a wasted effort. Even though we were upstairs, with the door closed, perhaps he could hear me.
Her face tensed. "I'm not sure yet."
"How's Jasper?"
She sighed. "He's very unhappy with himself. It's all so much more of a challenge for him, and he hates feeling weak."
Jasper scoffed.
"Sorry," Alice sighed, did that have to be in the book.
"It's not his fault. You'll tell him that I'm not mad at him, not at all, won't you?"
"Of course."
Edward was waiting for me by the front door. As I got to the bottom of the staircase, he held it open without a word.
"Take your things!" Alice cried as I walked warily toward Edward. She scooped up the two packages, one half-opened, and my camera from under the piano, and pressed them into my good arm. "You can thank me later, when you've opened them."
Esme and Carlisle both said a quiet goodnight. I could see them stealing quick glances at their impassive son, much like I was.
It was a relief to be outside; I hurried past the lanterns and the roses, now unwelcome reminders. Edward kept pace with me silently. He opened the passenger side for me, and I climbed in without complaint.
On the dashboard was a big red ribbon, stuck to the new stereo. I pulled it off, throwing it to the floor. As Edward slid into the other side, I kicked the ribbon under my seat.
He didn't look at me or the stereo. Neither of us switched it on, and the silence was somehow intensified by the sudden thunder of the engine. He drove too fast down the dark, serpentine lane.
The silence was making me insane.
"You should have let Carlisle drive her home if you were just going to ignore her the whole time," Alice frowned.
"Say something," I finally begged as he turned onto the freeway.
"What do you want me to say?" he asked in a detached voice.