Books on Happiness / the happiness revolution - 2 students
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operating systems, you can begin to build a foundation upon which happiness can flourish. The cornerstone to this entire process begins with the self-acceptance that is born from recognizing and respecting yourself and your life. Granted, you may not be living the life you want, but you can enjoy living the life you have. As my first college professor in education would remind us repeatedly in his country slang, “We ain’t what we are gonna be, we ain’t what we are supposed to be, but we ain’t what we were either.”
As a physician assistant and as a teacher of meditation, I have witnessed firsthand the troubles that arise from not understanding yourself and your purpose. When you do not understand yourself, or accept what you do understand,
it becomes much easier to fall prey to the desires and fantasies of others.
Allow me to illustrate this point with a true story. One day a young college-aged fellow appeared at my door. I had not seen him since he was
a young boy. After a few minutes of questioning, I realized the source of his distress: his own lack of self-understanding and purpose.
“What would happen if you did exactly what you wanted to do?” I asked my young client. The smile on his face instantly returned—a smile that had been missing for months. It turned out that he had been tormented with conflicting messages from parents, peers, advisors and siblings. My question seemed to explode apart his torturous inner dialogue. He had put too much emphasis on the pleasing of others, never once asking himself what was best for his own personal growth. He had spent his entire life trying to please others!
For the rest of the hour, we went on to discuss what it would mean
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for him to be authentic, unique and living with purpose. He would have to give up his tendency to please others and start to live for himself. Right there in my o ce he realized that once he began doing so, his conflicts would evaporate. Over the course of the next few visits he outlined his goals and aspirations for the next five years. They had been lying unheard in his mind and heart. This simple act greatly diminished his current conflicts. His self-selected solutions immediately became clear and he left my o ce with newfound determination and purpose.
This story is hardly unique. So many of my patients have never clearly defined their goals. Others have defined their goals, but spend much of their time working unconsciously against them. Living with purpose means understanding yourself – your ambitions and aspirations – and living in accordance with them.
You will meet three types of people in any environment. There are those who are time-oriented and focus their e orts around the number of hours or years that they work. There are those who are goaloriented and constantly chase after the fruits of their labor. However,
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the happiest people always seem to be those who are purpose-oriented. They learn how to absorb all the blows in life as they continue to pursue the realization of their dreams. Such people develop an unlimited capacity to accept every situation and transform it into good.
Regardless of your orientation to work, passion can dominate your decisions – causing you to feel consumed by your job or mesmerized by your relationships. When left alone passion can wreak havoc. When enjoined with its companion, passion quickens your success in life. Compassion is the companion to passion. This attitude of understanding and viewing all sides of an issue will keep your actions safe and balanced. Without compassion in your e orts, your friends and family may feel distanced from your love.
To gain a better understanding of your purpose, well chosen guidelines can help you maintain this balance between passion and compassion. There are some people who become so ambitious toward their goals that they lose sight of everything else. This is not the route to happiness.
Patanjali, the codifier of the Yoga Sutras, left a blueprint for how to live with purpose. Somewhere between 250 BC and 300 AD (the exact date is widely disputed) he wrote down five principles to be considered when making important decisions. He also wrote five daily observances that can aid you in the pursuit of your purposes. Together these 10 rules and practices have helped shape people’s lives for thousands of years. Only by understanding your own inner workings can you truly become happy. Otherwise you are playing a game without even knowing the rules. If you wish to be truly happy now, then in the next few pages you will be so glad that you are here.
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THE FIVE PRINCIPLES OF LIVING
WITH PURPOSE
PRINCIPLE ONE: DO NO HARM
(MOST IMPORTANT)
The first rule of medicine is Primum non nocere, which means, “In the first place, do no harm.” One day, while reading the Yoga Sutras, I came across “Ahimsa” – the Sanskrit term for non-harming. It meant the very same thing that Hippocrates was implying in his Latin expression of Primum non nocere. I heard it, I read it and many years later, I taught it. But I had no idea it was a secret code.
It was one of those secrets so powerful that it was hidden in plain view. I thought it only meant, “do not harm the patient,” but in reality, it meant something much greater. Today it is still known as the first rule of medicine, but in truth, it is the declaration of how healing occurs — if you do not harm yourself, you will never harm others. The only way we can harm
ourselves is to ignore the voice of our conscience because our conscience will never let us harm ourselves or others.
This phrase protects us from actions and internal
judgments that lead to guilt and shame. Today these two emotions are commonly used as teaching tools. They are a poor choice. In my own upbringing, feeling guilty and ashamed never led to a positive result.
When Panditji first taught this principle of non-harming to me, he said, “Be nice to yourself, and be nice to others.” It was immediately
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clear that the first goal was for me to be nice to myself. A few months later he saw me failing to do this and he then turned to me and said, “How can a human being be happy if he treats himself as his own worst enemy? What you need to do is always reward yourself; never punish yourself.”
I thought about this over and over — “only reward yourself,” even when you make a mistake? Did he speak in error? Was he supporting error over accuracy? The more I thought, the more convinced I became that it was another cryptic code – one that would unveil a major breakthrough for me, personally and professionally.
In those uncommon moments that inspire all of us, I finally cracked the code. It was a message about love. The source of non-violence is unconditional love – it is both an attitude and a touchstone. This love nurtures our compassion and corrects erroneous views that lead to selfcondemnation. It is love without condition and it begins with yourself; it begins at home. Before I could unconditionally love my family, friends, and patients, I needed to unconditionally love myself, even when I was in error. There is simply no way around this truth. Indeed, this first principle is more important than the remaining four. It keeps you safe and keeps the world safe. According to the yogic texts, when you become firmly established in kindness — which is what “doing no harm” means — other people who come near you will naturally lose any feelings of hostility. Once I understood this first principle, I saw how many of my patients were failing to abide by it.
Ralph was in his sixties and wanted to mend his relationship with his son and daughter. A gambler and alcoholic for most of his life, he lost his children to a divorce and a sea of whiskey. Sobriety came late in life and birthed a new man. He was not able to locate his children for several of his new sober years. During that time, he lived in Los Angeles and started practicing yoga. His body was not able to move into the stretching poses that the posters displayed at the studio, but
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his teacher inspired him to read about the philosophy of yoga. In doing so he learned about non-violence, the first and most important rule to follow.
As Ralph started being kind to himself, he felt conflicted. He did not deny his mistakes from the past, but the memories of days gone by made him feel hypocritical. How could he be kind to himself when he still felt he deserved to be punished?
Through the magic of the Internet, he found my Web site, and we started corresponding by phone and email. He was naturally philosophical and an avid reader of my online newsletters. It was the inspiration of ancient stories about overcoming guilt and shame that gave him hope of triumph. But it was his intellect that brought his attention to his past mistakes, even though his best intentions were to move forward.
My conversations with Ralph turned to the topic of non-violence. Ralph did not realize that his habit of self-condemnation was in conflict with his beliefs about non-violence. His intellect was actually causing harm to himself every time he recalled an unpleasant event that led him to feel regret or remorse. He was mentally “beating himself up” and I helped him realize that it had to stop. Because of his philosophical nature, I knew that when he heard the ancient story of Jaigishavya’s struggle with the same issue, he could then apply the same methodology to uproot his own misery.
Jaigishavya was a sincere yogi trying to break free of his old habit patterns. He became entrapped by his own intellect and sought the counsel of the sage Avatya. This gentle sage advised him to sharpen his intellect so that he could understand his infatuation with the errors of his past. He explained, “Your interest in your past is an indication of your desire to reclaim it. And this desire to reclaim the past is due to your attachment. You are aware that most of your past is painful. Logically, you should have no desire to re-associate yourself
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with painful events, yet you are drawn to them. Why? It is because you are attached to your actions, the fruit of your actions and their subtle impressions. You treasure them in your mind, although you know how useless, ugly and painful they are.”
WHY WE KEEP THINKING ABOUT PAINFUL THINGS
Most of us are accustomed to the idea of attachment to pleasurable objects and experiences and yet we commonly dwell on our mistakes more than our successes. Yoga and modern biochemistry discuss how the comfort of familiar habits may be stronger than the usefulness of the habit. This familiarity keeps us recalling and repeating unhelpful activities and unwanted impulses. The misery of perpetually doing that which we no longer wish to do, and yet feel helpless to stop, is brought to a halt through non-attachment.
“When a memory upsets you or thrills you, it is your attachment giving energy to your past. You can instantly neutralize the past with the power of non-attachment,” advised the sage.
Ralph, like Jaigishavya, was drawn toward painful and disappointing memories of his past and yet the same images also engendered a sense of pleasure. The pleasure came from the comfort of something familiar, even though it was painful. The concern here was that Ralph’s attachment to such recollections might motivate him to act out the past again.
“Attachment,” explained Avatya, “is like the nutrients a seed needs in order to sprout. Once you no longer provide these nutrients, the seeds of the past will lose their capacity to grow into destiny.”3
Ralph started to practice non-violence toward himself by loosening his fascination with the errors of his past. Over several months, he observed and corrected every instance where his intellect attempted to harm his emotions and ruin his self-esteem and confidence. Every time his unwanted memories of gambling or alcoholism came into his awareness, he redoubled his e orts toward being kind to himself.
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It was definitely not an easy task. No matter how many times his mind reminded him of his past faults, he continued to unconditionally love and accept himself.
Finally, the day came when he was reunited with his children — an event that, while desired, he had also dreaded for many years. Ralph’s tale about his wonderful reunion
and his children’s acceptance of their long-lost father made him one of my favorite teachers of kindness. That kindness brought healing to years of confusion and hurt. I will always remember Ralph as a symbol of nonviolence in action.
This first principle of self-trans- formation, non-violence, must begin with yourself. When you treat
yourself with kindness, then you will naturally treat others with kindness. This was the lesson Panditji was teaching when he said, “Always reward yourself, never punish.” Without weighing your merits and demerits, learn to find ways to make friends with your mind so that you only reward yourself and never punish yourself and you will have mastered this first principle.
SUMMARY:
•In the practice of non-violence, the most important component and essential starting point is non-violence toward yourself. Never condemn, criticize or punish yourself.
ACTION ITEM:
• Practice rewarding yourself and actively engaging in not criticizing
yourself.
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PRINCIPLE TWO: TRUTHFULNESS
Truthfulness is the second principle of living with purpose. Truthfulness lightens your burdens, boosts your spirits, and brings about the insights for a peaceful resolution. Truth is always inspiring, clarifying and immediately useful.
If being honest or truthful is violent to ourselves or to others, then it is not the truthfulness that the ancient sages described. Truth is always spoken in a way that quickens your journey to the goal of life. The “honest facts” are like readouts of technical data. They are barren facts not meant to contain any judgment or opinion. We commonly encounter such honesty when viewing the ledgers of our bank account or the instruction manual that helps us assemble our new bookcase. When the ancient sages were teaching the concept of truthfulness, the value of kindness and the self-esteem of all parties involved were placed above hurtful honesty. In building and maintaining relationships, use the principle of truthfulness that is filled with love.
I experimented with these two di erent viewpoints of truthfulness over and over. Sometimes they flowed smoothly in my life and at other times they were in harsh opposition to one another. As a medical practitioner, I had to learn how to share the glaring results of a blood test in the most compassionate manner. When duty called me to be the bearer of bad news to my patients, my mind and my heart relied heavily on these first two principles of non-violence and truthfulness. As you experiment with them in your life, eventually you will find gentleness in your thought and speech that will allow you to deliver honest data in the most kind and caring manner.
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SUMMARY:
•Truthfulness is valuable, but only so long as it is not violent to ourselves or to others. Truthfulness must be skillfully practiced along with the principle of non-violence, which always comes fi rst.
ACTION ITEMS:
•Before speaking or acting, think beyond your truthfulness and consider whether or not you are also being loving and compassionate.
PRINCIPLE THREE: ABSTAIN FROM ALL
FORMS OF THEFT
The third principle of living with purpose is abstaining from all forms of theft. It is a sign of true self-reliance when all forms of stealing vanish from your mind. The joy of unconditional love and honesty will build your self-esteem to the point that the idea of needing something from someone else in order to be happy becomes ludicrous. Thoughts of shoplifting, plagiarism, and seducing the a ection of others completely disappear from your awareness.
When you realize that the possessions of others — physical and nonphysical — neither fulfill nor threaten your happiness or perfection, then you have attained mastery over this third principle. With this mastery also comes the source of true wealth. The ancient yoga texts strongly emphasize the importance of non-stealing. They say that as long as we have the tendency to misuse or clutch things that are not ours, we remain ordinary and abide by the regular rules of nature. But when we rise above these tendencies, we gain freedom from the ordinary rules of life. The greatest wealth we can attain is a happy mind and a healthy body. The ancient texts declare that true wealth kisses the feet of those who no longer desperately misuse, hoard or grasp the objects of the world.