Respect

How should a child be taught respect for his parents?

What on earth does the word respect mean? I think the main ingredient of that word is fear, as in the ease of chil­dren who respect their stem teachers. My dictionary calls respect esteem for merit, honor to esteem highly. Okay, if your children do not think that you are meritorious or hon­orable or worthy of esteem, what can you do about it? Force them to think you’re great?

My pupils do not respect me. I never demand respect. Today, a girl of ten called me a silly fool. So what? That was her opinion this morning and she’s entitled to it. Nor did her statement mean she didn’t love me.

There is something undeveloped about parents who demand respect. Obviously, they have failed to inspire love in their children, mid so they demand an inferior substitute. Parents who are really fair and square with their children do not require respect.

How can a child respect a nagging mother or a roaring father? I low can a child respect parents whom he hears lying? How can a child respect a mother who dares not stand up to a bullying husband?

I respect Bertrand Russell because of his philosophy, his humanitarianism, but that respect has no fear or envy in it. If you want to be respected by your child, act in such a manner that the respect comes naturally—which means de­servedly—and not because your child fears reprisal.

My youngster, Donald, pays scant respect to his grand-parents. My husband and I never demanded respect. What we want is love, and we think we’re getting it from Donald. But I am utterly abashed by the indifference which Donald shows his grandparents, both my parents and my hus­band’s parents. They are scandalized by his disinterest and lack of courtesy. Is there anything I can say to the boy?

I sympathize with you, with the grandparents, and with Donald. Grandparents are usually of two sorts: some spoil the child, alleging that the parents have no idea how to rear their own children; the other sort sees youth as a menace to all they believe in. They abhor the horrid, long­haired, slang-speaking gadabouts who have no interest other than pop music and parties.

It looks, in this case, as if the oldsters belong to the second sort. Donald probably resents their interference and their moralizing. There is a great gulf between a boy of 10 and a grandparent of 70. The old and the young just don’t talk the same language, nor have they the same interests. Most grandparents are anchored to a bygone era. Styles and ways to which they are not accustomed may appear dissolute.

When my parents were alive, I wrote home regularly and my letters were “weather” ones—I would write and say, “The sun has been out all day. How’s the weather back home?” I had to think up what might interest them.

If Donald does not like his grannies, I don’t see what can be done about it. Talking to him would be wasting one’s breath. Young children have a natural honesty. If Donald knew that his grandparents would leave him a million dol­lars if he approved of them, he could not change his attitude.

All I can suggest is that Donald be kept as far away from his grandparents as possible.

When my child is frustrated, he gets angry. He even be­comes abusive and says: “You mean thing, you witch.” Shall I permit him to live out his anger, or should he be restrained from abusing me? The fact is I feel very hurt when I hear him characterize me in this way.

To restrain him will do no good; it will simple mean that his hate turns inside and festers.

A better way would be for you to join in the fun and call him all the names you can think of—but not in anger, of course. There’s one good side to this picture—the boy isn’t afraid to call you names. Good!

You feel hurt because you feel guilty . . . “Had I shown him more love, he wouldn’t react with hate like he does.” A child should respect his parents. Dear me!

My advice to you is to learn to laugh along with your boy. Humor and hate do not go together. The lad may be abnormally honest, for there must be a few million children who would sometimes like to call their mother something that rhymes with witch but don’t dare to. His hate, ventil­ated, will expend itself; but if he is spanked, lectured, or restrained, that hate may remain there for a very long time.