Lecture 4. Interpersonal Communication.

Outline.

1. The role of relationships in our lives.

2. Stages of relationships.

1. Communication is one variable common to all relationships. As a result of communication, we establish and nurture or withdraw from and end our relationships.

Relationships play many roles in our lives. They fulfill our needs for inclusion, control, and affection. We each need to feel that others take an interest in. us, that they view us as capable of exerting control over our lives, and that we are lovable. It is through conversation that we establish, maintain, and end our relationships.

Every relationship we share is unique and varies in breadth (how many topics we discuss with the other person) and depth (how much we are willing to reveal to the other person about our feelings). Most relationships develop according to a social-penetration model, beginning with narrow breadth and shallow depth; over time, some relationships increase in breadth and depth, becoming wider, more intimate, or both.

2. Researchers have identified a number of stages our relationships may pass through: initiating, experimenting, intensifying, integrating, bonding, differ­entiating, circumscribing, stagnating, avoiding, and terminating. Note that a relationship may stabilize at any stage. When the participants disagree about the point of stabilization, problems are likely to arise.

Stage 1: Initiating

Stage 1 involves the things that happen when we first make contact with each other. At this time, we look for signals that either impel us to initiate a conver­sation or tell us that we have nothing to gain by interacting. If we decide to make contact, we search for an appropriate conversation opener, for example. "Nice to meet you" or "What's happening?"

Stage 2: Experimenting

Once we have initiated contact, we try to find out more about the other per­son; we begin to probe the unknown. This is the stage of experimenting. Often we exchange small talk—for example, we tell the other where we're from and who we know in an effort to get acquainted. Although many of us may hate small talk or "cocktail party chatter," according to Mark Knapp it serves several useful functions.

1. It provides a process for uncovering integrating topics and openings for more penetrating conversations.

2. It can serve as an audition for a future friendship or a way to increase the scope of a current friendship.

3. It provides a safe procedure for indicating who we are and how the other person can come to know us better (reduction of uncertainty).

4. It allows us to maintain a sense of community with our fellow human beings."

Stage 3: Intensifying

When a relationship does progress beyond experimenting, it enters the third stage, intensifying. During this stage people become "good friends"—they begin to share things in common, disclose more, become better at predicting each other's behavior, and may even adopt nicknames for each other or exhibit similar postural or clothing cues. In a sense, they are beginning to be trans­formed from an "I" and an "I" into a "we."

Stage 4: Integrating

The fusion of "I" and "I" really takes place in stage 4. Two individuals are now identified as a pair, a couple, or "a package." Interpersonal synchrony is Heightened; the two people may dress, act, and speak more and more alike or share a song ("our song"), a bankbook, or a project.

Stage 5: Bonding

In stage 5, the interactants announce that their commitment to each other has been formally contracted. Their relationship is now institutionalized, formally recognized. This recognition can be a wedding license or a business contract, :br example. The relationship takes on a new character: It is no longer infor­mal. It is now guided by specified rules and regulations. Sometimes this alter­ation causes initial discomfort or rebellion as the interactants attempt to adjust to the change.

Stage 6: Differentiating

In stage 6, instead of continuing to emphasize "we," the interactants attemrr to reestablish an "I" orientation, to regain a unique identity. They ask, "Ho"» are we different?" "How can I distinguish me from you?" During this phase previously designated joint possessions take on a more individualized character; "our friends" become "my friends," "our bedroom" becomes "my bee room," "our child" becomes "your son" (especially when he misbehaves Although an urge to differentiate the self from the other is not uncommon (we need to be individuals as well as members of a relationship), if it persists, it can signal that the relationship is in trouble or that the process of uncou­pling has begun.

Stage 7: Circumscribing

In stage 7, both the quality and the quantity of communication between the interactants decrease. Sometimes a careful effort is made to limit areas open for discussion to those considered "safe." Other times there is no actual decrease in breadth of topics, but the topics are no longer discussed with any real depth. In other words, fewer and less intimate disclosures are made, signaling that mental or physical withdrawal from the relationship is desired.²⁸ Dynamic communication has all but ceased; the relationship is characterized by lack of energy, shrinking interest, and a general feeling of exhaustion.

Stage 8: Stagnating

When circumscribing continues, the relationship stagnates. In stage 8, the par­ticipants feel that they no longer need to relate to each other because they know how the interaction will proceed; thus, they conclude that it is "better to say nothing." Communication is at a standstill. Only the shadow of a relation­ship remains: the participants mark time by going through the motions while feeling nothing. In reality, they are like strangers inhabiting the hollow shell of what once was a thriving relationship. They still live in the same environment, but they share little else.

Stage 9: Avoiding

During the stage of avoiding, the participants actually go out of their way to be apart; they avoid contact with each other. Relating face to face or voice to voice has simply become so unpleasant that one or both can no longer con­tinue the "act." Although communicated more directly at some times than at others (sometimes the "symptom" is used as a form of communication; at other times an effort is made to disconfirm the other person), the dominant message is "I don't want to see you anymore; I don't want to continue this relationship." At this point, the end of the relationship is in sight.