In One Ear and Upside Down*

(by Parke dimming)

The instructions and commands given by parents are endless in variety. Therefore it is impossible to make a list of them. Neither can you foretell exactly how they will be misinterpreted.

Yet, as a help to inexperienced parents I shall be happy to supply them with a short list of mixed-up instructions. They are sure to find it very helpful.

1. Instruction: "Clean up properly before you come to table. And don't use those guest towels!"

Result: The child goes and wipes its hands on a guest towel.

2. Instruction: "Will you kindly turn that radio down lower?"

Result: Usually none. After the words are repeated several times the child may turn off the radio and turn on the television.

3. Instruction: "Bring me the duster, please. I want to remove the dust from the piano."

Result: The child walks out of the room and returns in some time either with the vacuum cleaner or with a pail of water.

4. Instruction: "Clear the things off the dining room table and then get down to your homework so that you can finish it in time. I'll do the dishes."**

Result: The youngster clears the table after the request is repeated twice. Then he starts to do the dishes. He is greatly surprised when Mother tells him to start studying. He begins to complain that Mother is always telling him one thing and then changing her mind.

5. Instruction: "There is going to be trouble if you go on leaving the front door open every time you go in and out of the house."

Result: The child obviously alarmed quickly goes to the door and opens it.

6. Instruction: "Don't forget you have a dentist's appointment at three o'clock on the fourth."

Result: After reading the preceding examples, the reader is expected to figure this out for himself.*

I suppose there is no need to go on with list. A smart parent will now see a way out. As the child's natural tendency is to get a request mixed up, you simply first mix it up yourself.

For instance the other morning we wanted John to wash his neck, but we hesitated a long time before we finally worded the command. It was as follows: "Scrub the soap with a towel and then hang up your neck."**

Result: The cleanest neck we have seen in six months. You see how simple it is if you know how to do it.

Assignments:

1. Think of a continuation to this sketch.

2. Tell a funny story about your little brother or sister, or your own child.

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* Обыгрывается поговорка "In one ear and out of the other."

** to do the dishes – мыть посуду

*** The mixed up instruction for: "Scrub your neck with the soap and then hang up your towel."

**** at least so far as children are concerned – по крайней мере, что касается детей

What's Wrong with the Kid?

(by Parke Cumming)

Recently a well-known psychiatrist stated that modern psychiatry has made us change our opinions of what must be regarded as normal behaviour.

He may be absolutely right, for all I know. I am not going to argue with him anyhow. I should like, however, to point out that the best way to get an idea of normal behaviour (at least so far as children are concerned*) is to get married and raise** a few. As I look back on my bachelor days, I'm surprised at the wrong views I held on the matter.

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* to figure smth out for oneself– представить что-л.

Well, the best way to make myself clear, I think, is to take a few examples.

Example 1. A young boy in his early teens*** works for his neighbour, cleaning out the cellar, fetching wood, mowing the lawn and running errands in order to earn the money for a new tennis racket. Finally he gets the hard-earned money and buys a tennis racket.

Result:

Abnormal behaviour (i.e. the behaviour expected by an unmarried person or inexperienced parent): the boy practices regularly, and in some time becomes accomplished tennis player.

Normal behaviour, two days after buying the tennis racket, he removes all the strings and converts them into a line for a "Telephone" system. A short time later, the frame of the racket is converted into a giant slingshot.****

Example 2. A small girl – let us say aged three – is presented with a new pail and shovel for her sand box.

Abnormal behaviour, the child takes the toys to the sand box and plays with them day after day.

Normal behaviour, the child plays with the toys for ten minutes after which she throws them into a dustbin. She then makes several trips to the house and starts making sand pies with the following tools: one silver spoon, her father's best crystal cocktail shaker, her mother's favourite roasting pan.

Example 3. A five-year-old child shows interest in the neighbour's police dog, an animal the size of a mountain lion and with much sharper teeth. His parents seeing his interest in dogs, buy him the cutest little two-month-old spaniel puppy you ever saw.

Abnormal behaviour, the child is crazy about the new pet.

Normal behaviour, the child is crazy with terror as seeing the puppy and attempts to run next door to the police dog for protection.

Example 4. Six year-old Effie raises bell***** when her mother doesn't invite Susie Connors to her birthday party, and continues to do so until the mother finally yields.

Abnormal behaviour. Effie greets Susie affectionately when she appears.

Normal behaviour. Effie attacks Susie furiously, scratches her face and pulls her hair until Susie's mother caring away the screaming child.

Example 5. By means of hard work and considerable skill a 10-year-old boy succeeds in making an excellent pair of skis, but then he has to wait three weeks until there is snow.

Abnormal behaviour, the boy is crazy with joy, rushes outdoors and tries his skis.

Normal behaviour, the boy stays the entire day at home teasing the cat and driving mother mad.

I believe these five examples could be sufficient to enable practically anybody to foretell what a child will do under certain circumstances.

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** to raise smb = to bring smb up

*** aged thirteen or fourteen (teens–the year of one's age from 13 to 19), teenager – a boy or a girl in one's teens

**** a slingshot – рогатка

***** to raise bell (Am. colloq.) – поднять скандал