The First Four Minutes

When do people decide whether or not they want to become friends? During their first four minutes together, according to a book by Dr. Leonard Zunin. In his book, Contact: First Four Minutes, he offers this advice to anyone interested to staying new friendship: “Every time you meet someone in a social situation, give him your undivided attention for four minutes. A lot of people's whole lives would change if they did just that.”

When we are introduced to new people, the author suggests, we should try to appear friendly and self-confident. In general, he says ”People like people who like themselves.”

On the other hand, we should not make the other person think we are too sure of ourselves. It is important to appear interested and sympathetic, realizing that the other person has his own needs, fears and hopes.

But isn't it dishonest to give the appearance of friendly self-confidence when we don't actually feel that way? Perhaps, but according to Dr. Zunin, “total honesty” is not always good for social relationships, especially during the first few minutes of contact. There is a time for everything, a certain amount of play-acting may be best for the first minutes of contact with a stranger. That is not the time to complain about one's health or to mention faults one finds in other people. It is not the time to tell the whole truth about one's opinion and impressions.

Much of what has been said about strangers also applies to relationships with family members and friends. For a husband and wife or a parent and child, problems often arise during their first few minutes together be treated with care. If there are unpleasant matters to be discussed they should be dealt with later.

(From “A Reading Spectrum”)

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