Secrets Create Obligation: The Secret of Secrets

Everybody loves secrets. We all love to be in the know. When you share something personal or private with another person, you create an instant bond and sense of obligation and trust with them. For example, imagine saying in the middle of a negotiation, ‘‘Off the record, I think you should know. . . .’’ or, ‘‘I shouldn’t be telling you this, but. . . .’’ These statements show that you are confiding in your listener. By offering him inside knowledge, you’ve created a sense of intimacy and made your listener feel important. Your listener will feel a need, and often even the desire, to reciprocate the information or to share something personal about himself in return. He will begin to open up and share useful information with you.

Judges especially have to deal with their jurors being influenced by ‘‘secret information.’’ Attorneys often strategically introduce information that the jury really isn’t supposed to evaluate. When this happens, the judge can either declare a mistrial or tell the jury to ignore the information. In most cases, the jury is told to ignore the information, but the perpetual dilemma is that doing so heightens the information’s validity in the minds of the jury members. In an exhaustive study on this issue by the University of Chicago Law School, a jury was to decide the amount of damages in an injury lawsuit. When the professor made it known that the defendant had been insured against the loss, the damages went up 13 percent. When the judge told the jury they had to ignore the new information, the amount went up 40 percent.[11]

Be extra careful not to plead and beg for your prospects to open up. Let them know you truly care and have a desire to know out of genuine concern, not curiosity. Pleading quickly becomes a red flag that shows your prospects you just want to know the juicy details rather than having any real desire to help them. As with the other laws of persuasion, be sincere by showing you really care and truly have their best interest at heart.

[11] D. Broeder, ‘‘The University of Chicago Jury Project,’’ Nebraska Law Review (1959): 744–760.

Caution

The Law of Obligation can backfire on you or become a matter of ethics if it’s used for the wrong reasons. Manipulation is the flip side of obligation. If you use obligation to manipulate, I guarantee that you will lose your ability to persuade. People will catch on to your tactics, quickly declining any gifts you might offer or even refusing to be around you. Your gifts will be perceived as set-ups. People will instinctively know that it’s only a matter of time before you come back around asking for that favor to be reciprocated.

Understand that there is a great difference between obligation and coercion. To become a Master Persuader you must first master yourself. It is essential that you have a foundation on which to build.

Chapter 5: The Law of

Connectivity--Contagious

Cooperation

Overview

The most important single ingredient in the formula of success is knowing how to get along with people.

—THEODORE ROOSEVELT

We have all had the experience of feeling an instant connection or bond with someone after just a few seconds of being in their presence. This is the Law of Connectivity. We have probably all met someone whom we instantly did not like and did not want to be around. This is caused by a lack of connectivity and usually takes only a few seconds to manifest itself. The Law of Connectivity states that the more we feel connected to, part of, liked by, or attracted to someone, the more persuasive they become. When you create an instant bond or connection, people feel comfortable around you. They will feel like they have known you for a long time and that they can easily relate to you. When we feel connected with someone, we feel comfortable and understood; they can relate to us and a sense of trust ensues.

There are four main factors in connectivity: attraction, similarity, people skills, and rapport. Each of these points will be discussed in detail in the following pages. However, before proceeding, it is important to note that really connecting with others requires an attitude of sincerity, a lot of practice, and a true interest in the other person. Whatever you do, don’t take your relationships with people for granted.

Attraction: The Halo Effect

Attraction operates by making one positive characteristic of a person affect other people’s overall perception of him. Sociologists describe this as the halo effect. Because of this halo effect, people automatically associate traits of kindness, trust, and intelligence with people who are attractive. We naturally try to please people we like and find attractive. If your audience likes you, they will forgive you for your ‘‘wrongs’’ and remember your ‘‘rights.’’ In fact, studies show that people who are physically attractive are better able to persuade others. They are also perceived as friendlier and more talented, and they usually have higher incomes.[1] ‘‘Attractive’’ means more than just looking beautiful or handsome. It also encompasses having the ability to attract and draw people to you.

The effect of attractiveness transcends all situations. For example, the judicial system, which is supposed to be based upon evidence, has documented cases where attractiveness made a dramatic difference. In one Pennsylvania study, researchers rated the attractiveness of seventy-four male defendants at the start of their criminal trials. Later, the researchers reviewed the court records for the decisions in these cases and found that the handsome men had received significantly lighter sentences. In fact, those researchers found that the attractive defendants were twice as likely to avoid jail time as unattractive defendants. In the same study, a defendant who was better looking than his victim was assessed an average fine of $5,623; but when the victim was the more attractive of the two, the average compensation was twice that much.[2] What’s more, both female and male jurors showed the same bias.

The halo effect also affects political elections. In 1974, a Canadian Federal election board found attractive candidates received more than two and a half times as many votes as unattractive candidates. When voters were surveyed about their bias, 73 percent denied, in the strongest possible terms, that they were influenced by attractiveness. Another 14 percent would only allow for the possibility.[3]

Consider these everyday examples of one’s appearance influencing their circumstances: Have you ever noticed that height often seems to have some relationship to one’s position? It often seems that the taller people get better jobs and have higher salaries.

Did you ever notice that there are some children who seem to be able to get away with anything? There has been some research showing that attractive children who misbehave are considered ‘‘less naughty’’ by adults than less attractive children. In elementary school, teachers often presume the more attractive children are even more intelligent than the less attractive children.[4]

When we come in contact with someone of the opposite sex, the attractiveness concept is magnified. Attractive females can persuade men more easily than unattractive ones, and attractive males can persuade females more easily than unattractive males can. We see obvious examples of this all around us. At conventions and trade shows, large corporations fill their space with sexy and attractive females. In one study, men who saw a new car ad that included a seductive female model rated the car as faster, more appealing, more expensive looking, and better designed than did men who viewed the same ad without the model.[5] Additionally, female students who are perceived to be more attractive by their professors often receive substantially higher grades than unattractive females. It is not uncommon for a store manager to assign an attractive female sales associate to the young man who walks in the door. Most store managers (although they won’t admit it) hire attractive salespeople to attract more customers.

Research has shown that looks matter outside of advertising as well. In various studies, attractive men and women, when compared to those who were considered to be less attractive, were judged to be happier, smarter, friendlier, and more likable. They were also considered likely to have better jobs, be better marital partners, or to get more dates. The halo effect causes us to see such people only in a positive way, which gives them persuasive power. Because of the way we view them, we want to be like them and we hope for them to like us in return.[6]

The attractiveness of our clothes can also evoke the Law of Connectivity. Researchers Freed, Chandler, Mouton, and Blake conducted a now-famous experiment on how easy it would be to encourage people to ignore a ‘‘Don’t Walk’’

sign at a city intersection. When a well-dressed individual ignored the sign and walked into the street, 14 percent of the people who had been waiting for the light to change followed him across. When the same person repeated the experiment the next day, now dressed in sloppy clothes, only 4 percent of the people followed him across. A similar effect has been found in hiring situations. In one study, the good grooming of applicants in a simulated employment interview accounted for more favorable hiring decisions than did their job qualifications. This happened even though the interviewers claimed that appearance only played a minor role in their choices.[7]

I know that when I travel, how I am treated and how often I am upgraded is directly related to how I am dressed. I can persuade the airline attendant to give me better seats, a better flight, or the help I need much better and faster when I am in a suit than when I am wearing casual attire.

When I have on jeans and a T-shirt, I am viewed as less attractive and, as a result, get less cooperation.

Not only can we focus on our other abilities to make us appear more attractive, but we can also increase our physical attractiveness in many different ways. Attractiveness lies in the simple things that many people over-look, like being in shape and watching your weight, picking nice clothes to wear, paying attention to your accessories (i.e., jewelry, glasses, earrings, etc.), and having well-groomed hair. Keep track of hair and clothing styles. Styles can change dramatically, and if we ignore fashion, our persuasive ability may be put in jeopardy. When in doubt, look to national newscasters as conservative role models in style.

[1]A. H. Eagley, R. D. Ashmore, M. G. Makhijani, and L. C. Longo, ‘‘What Is Beautiful Is Good, But . . . : A Meta-Analytical Review of Research on the Physical Attractiveness Stereotype,’’ Psychological Bulletin (1990): 109–128.

[2]R. A. Kulka and J. R. Kessler, ‘‘Is Justice Really Blind? The Effect of Litigant Physical Attractiveness on Judicial Judgment,’’ Journal of Applied Social Psychology (1978): 336–381.

[3]M. G. Efran and E. W. J. Patterson, ‘‘The Politics of Appearance,’’ unpublished manuscript, University of Toronto, 1976.

[4]J. Rich, ‘‘Effects of Children’s Physical Attractiveness on Teachers’ Evaluations,’’ Journal of Educational Psychology (1975): 599–609.

[5]G. H. Smith and R. Engel, ‘‘Influence of a Female Model on Perceived Characteristics of an Automobile,’’

Proceedings of the 76th Annual Convention of the American Psychological Association (1968): 681–682.

[6]M. L. Knapp and J. A. Hall, Nonverbal Communication in Human Interaction, 3rd edition (New York: Holt, Rinehart and Winston, 1992).

[7]D. Mack and D. Rainey, ‘‘Female Applicants’ Grooming and Personnel Selection,’’ Journal of Social Behavior and Personality (1990): 399–407.