Ingratiation: Make Others Feel Important
Ingratiation is gaining favor by deliberate effort. Ingratiation techniques can include compliments, flattery, and agreeableness. Ingratiation can also involve a special recognition of someone such as, ‘‘We don’t usually do this, but in your case I’m going to make an exception,’’ or ‘‘I am personally going to take care of this matter and see that you get what you want.’’ Many people consider ingratiation sucking up or brown-nosing, but it is an effective technique for making others more persuadable. The reason this strategy works is because The Law of Esteem increases likability and promotes an increase in ego.
Research has demonstrated these conclusions about using ingratiation. In one study, ‘‘ingratiators’’ were perceived as more competent, motivated, and qualified for leadership positions by their supervisors.[9] In another study, subordinates who used ingratiation developed an increased job satisfaction for themselves, their coworkers, and their supervisor.[10] In yet another study, ingratiators enjoyed a 5 percent edge over noningratiators in earning more favorable job evaluations.[11] Ingratiation works even when it is perceived as a deliberate effort to win someone over. Our esteem is so starved that we accept any flattery or praise we can get.
[9]J. D. Watt, ‘‘The Impact of Frequency of Ingratiation on the Performance Evaluation of Bank Personnel,’’ Journal of Psychology 127, 2 (1993): 171–177.
[10]S. J. Wayne and R. C. Liden, ‘‘Effects of Impression Management on Performance Ratings: A Longitudinal Study,’’ Academy of Management Journal 38, 1 (1995): 232–260.
[11]R. J. Deluga, ‘‘Supervisor Trust Building, Leader-Member Exchange and Organizational Citizenship Behaviour,’’
Journal of Occupational and Organizational Psychology 67 (1994): 315–326.
The Leverage of Praise
Sincere praise and compliments can have a powerful effect on people. Praise boosts one’s self-esteem. When you genuinely give praise, it releases energy in the other person. You have seen it and experienced it yourself. When you receive sincere compliments or praise, you get a smile on your face, your spirits soar, and you have a new aura about you.
Praise Others Daily
I think of all the funerals I have attended, and how all of them ended with beautiful eulogies. Why do we have to wait until someone is dead to say something nice about them? As Ra1ph Waldo Emerson put it, ‘‘Every man is entitled to be valued by his best moments.’’ Men will sacrifice their lives for praise, honor, and recognition. We crave and yearn for a boost to our esteem. We all wear an imaginary badge that says, ‘‘Please make me feel important.’’ It is criminal to withhold our praise when we see someone, especially children, do great and honorable things. Yet then when they do something wrong, we jump down their throats. Have you ever thought about how we would never think of physically harming someone or depriving them of food and water, yet often without reservation we hurt someone emotionally or deprive them of love and appreciation? George Bernard Shaw said, ‘‘The worst sin toward our fellow creatures is not to hate them, but to be indifferent to them.’’ We should make it a habit to give genuine praise to someone every day. Don’t wait for a reason or for something big to happen. Be generous with your praise. Praise makes others more open to persuasion.
How to Give Sincere Praise
Always be sincere. Even the most cunning flatterer is ultimately detected and discovered. Complimenting someone sincerely for something small is better than complimenting someone insincerely for something big and grand. If, instead of being constantly self-focused, we are attentive to others, we will always find building moments where we can deliver honest and sincere praise. Even Napoleon figured out that men will die for blue ribbons. Men will sacrifice their lives for praise, honor, and recognition.
Often it is more effective to praise the specific act rather than the person. This way, your praise is attached to something distinct and concrete. It is harder to be interpreted as flattery or favoritism when there is a specific and concrete thing you have praised. General compliments may have temporary effect, but can incite jealousy from others and create even more insecurity in the recipient because that person is often not really sure what they did to deserve the compliment. Then they feel pressure to live up to the standard you have set, even though they’re not sure how or why it was set. They may even subconsciously fear that you will retract the praise because they don’t know how to keep it. Things really backfire when that person feels mistrustful toward you. Did you ever witness coworkers gathering to complain after a ‘‘pep rally’’ with the boss? Instead of feeling inspired and motivated, everyone griped about how the boss was full of it. Of course, during the meeting, everyone played along, because it was their job and they had to listen. When a boss asks you to do something you do it because you have to. When someone has influence or is a leader you do it because you want to.
So how do you effectively give someone a compliment they can live up to without feeling anxiety? Instead of barking at your assistant, ‘‘Why haven’t you finished these files?’’ say, ‘‘Thank you so much for helping me get these files done! I know I can count on you get them done in a timely manner.’’ Because the latter statement incorporates your assistant’s behavior into how you view her, you can be sure she’ll follow through. Consciously or subconsciously, she will want to maintain the apparent image you have of her. Consequently she will continue that pattern of behavior so as not to disappoint you.
As a manager or supervisor, your responsibility to praise and recognize your employees is paramount. Regularly communicate the organization’s changing objectives and priorities and show employees you feel they are important
enough to be aligned with your goals. Invite new ideas from workers, stressing that there are always better ways to do every task. Trust workers by delegating responsibilities that give growth opportunities. Check with employees to determine what extra time or equipment they need, and work to provide them with these requests. Be fair to all. Playing favorites undermines morale. Praise each employee for any job well done; doing so orally is okay, but putting it in writing is even better. Want to know another plus? Sincere praise costs your organization absolutely nothing!
Effects of Praise
You know people are more likely to be persuaded to say ‘‘yes’’ when you make them feel good about themselves, their work, and their accomplishments. People will do almost anything for you when you treat them with respect and dignity and show them that their feelings are important.
I remember going to try on suits at the local mall. I was thinking about buying a suit but I was pretty indifferent about making a purchase that day. Because I knew the sales representative would want to persuade me to buy a suit that same day, I came in prepared for his persuasive techniques. He asked, ‘‘What type of suit were you looking for?’’ I answered, ‘‘Blue, double breasted.’’ ‘‘What size are you?’’ he asked. I said, ‘‘I’m not sure.’’ He looked at me with a twinkle in his eye and asked, ‘‘Do you work out?’’ I said, ‘‘Yes, I do.’’ He said, ‘‘I thought so. You will need a suit that has an athletic cut.’’
I smiled and felt the rush of esteem. I knew he was attempting to sell me a suit, and it worked. I took the bait and he reeled me in. It was something so simple yet so powerful. Yes, I did go home that day with a new suit.
An experiment testing the effects of praise on a group of men in North Carolina was very insightful. The men received different types of comments from someone who needed a favor from them. The comments were either positive, negative, or a mixture of both. As you might expect, the person giving the positive comments was liked the best. Secondly, this conclusion held true even when the men knew their ‘‘complimenter’’ was seeking a favor. Finally, unlike the other types of comments, pure praise did not have to be accurate to work. Positive comments produced just as much liking toward the flatterer when they were untrue as when they were true.[12] Strive to be sincere in your praise, although flattery works even when it is not sincere.
The following example shows the immense strength that praise has. At a small college in Virginia, twenty-four students in a psychology course decided to see whether they could use compliments to change the way the women on campus dressed. For a while, they complimented all the female students who wore blue. The percentage of the female student population wearing blue rose from 25 percent to 38 percent. The researchers then switched to complimenting any woman who wore red. This caused the appearance of red on campus to double, from 11 percent to 22 percent. These results indicate that when you favorably comment on behavior, that behavior will increase.
Praise can also cause people to change their minds. In another study, student essays were randomly given high or low marks. When surveyed, the students who had gotten A’s tended to lean even more favorably in the direction of the positions they had advocated in their essays. Students who had received failing marks, however, did not stand behind their previous positions as willingly.
When we show people that they are important, we can persuade them to do many things. In elementary schools, teachers will dub a child to be the king or queen for the day. The king receives a crown and the other students write notes of praise. Children keep these sayings for years to come, proof that no matter our age, we crave praise, recognition, and acceptance. For example, Andrew Carnegie devised a plan to sell his steel to the Pennsylvania Railroad. When he built a new steel mill in Pittsburgh, he named it the J. Edgar Thompson Steel Works, after the president of the Pennsylvania Railroad. Thompson was so flattered by the honor that he thereafter purchased steel exclusively from Carnegie.
The greatest car salesman in the world sends 13,000 former customers a card every month that simply says, ‘‘I like you,’’ and then signs his name. You can calculate the expense, but this is the backbone of his business. No one has sold more cars than Joe Girard.
Of course, there is an opposite effect that also lasts a lifetime. I heard a story of a young lady who wanted to learn how to dance. She went to take lessons but she was having a hard time. The dance steps were unfamiliar and awkward for someone who had never danced before. The instructor gave her a few lessons and then unsympathetically said, ‘‘You dance like a hippo. You will never be a good dancer.’’ This one comment kept the young lady off the dance floor for the rest of her life.
One negative comment has more power than ten positive comments. I can give a give seminar and have twenty people come up to me and praise me. But it is the one person in the front row, the one who had a sour face the whole time, whom I will remember. Just keep in mind that the use of praise affects the very core of our beings, so use it with caution.
[12]D. Drachman, A. DeCarufel, and C. Insko, ‘‘The Extra Credit Effect in Inter-Personal Attraction,’’ Journal of Experimental Social Psychology (1978): 458– 467.