English TOPICAL JOURNEY

30

January 2013

CARING FOR FAMILY

‘Top Moral Issue For Young’

Most young people in Britain think that morality means looking after your family or putting others first, a BBC poll suggests.

Almost 600 16 to 24-year- olds were asked to choose the most important moral is-

sue from eight options, with 59% opting for caring for family.

Some 4% said having religious faith or beliefs was the most important.

The poll also suggests 51% of young people believe they are less concerned with morals than their parents.

The poll, commissioned by BBC Religion and Ethics, asked young people to choose their top moral issue, with options including buying ethical products, being faithful to a partner and caring for the environment.

Looking after family was the top choice, with “putting others first” coming some way behind in second.

Four per cent listed practising a religion as the most important moral issue, the same percentage as said paying taxes.

When asked for the least important issue, religion came out on top with a third of respondents citing it.

New figures from the British Social Attitudes survey - published alongside the poll - suggest that about half of Britons as a whole have a religious affiliation, sharply down from 20 years ago when it was two-thirds.

Barely a quarter of young people now identify themselves as religious.

Of the eight moral issues, the poll found:

59% of those questioned said looking after their family was most important

12% said it was putting others first

8% cited being faithful to a partner

5% listed caring for the environment

4% cited having religious faith

4% felt paying taxes was most important

4% said playing a part in the local community

1% listed buying ethical products

Source: http://www.bbc.co.uk

British Family

While we may spend much of our time moaning about our weather, foreigners are not allowed to criticize it. In this respect, we treat the English weather like a member of our family: one can complain about the behaviour of one’s own children or parents, but any hint of censure from an outsider is unacceptable, and very bad manners.

It is more acceptable to ask whether someone has children than to ask whether he or she is married, so the former question is generally used as a roundabout way of prompting clues that will provide the answer to the latter. (Many married English males do not wear wedding rings, so the children question is often used by single females to encourage them

to reveal their marital status. This can only be done in an appropriate conversational context, however, as asking the children question ‘out of the blue’ would be too obvious an attempt to ascertain a male’s availability.)

KID-TALK AND THE ONE-DOWNMANSHIP RULES

English parents are as proud of their children as parents in any other culture, but you would never know this from the way they talk about them. The modesty rules not only forbid boasting about one’s offspring, but specifically prescribe mock-denigration of them. Even the proudest and most doting of English parents must roll their eyes, sigh heavily, and moan to each other about how noisy, tiresome, lazy, hopeless and impossible their children are. At a party, I heard one mother try to pay another a compliment: ‘I hear your Peter’s doing 10 GCSEs – he must be terribly clever...’ This was deflected with a snorting laugh and a disparaging complaint: ‘Well, he’ll have to be, as he certainly never seems to do any work – just plays those mindless computer games and listens to that godawful music...’ To which the first mother replied, ‘Oh, don’t tell me – Sam’s bound to fail all his: the only thing he’s any good at is skateboarding, and they don’t have A-levels in that, as I keep telling him, not that he takes a blind bit of notice of anything I say, of course...’ The children in question might have been academic paragons, and both mothers perfectly aware of this – indeed, the lack of any real anxiety in their tones suggested that they were confidently expecting good results – but it would have been bad manners to say so.

The correct tone to adopt when talking about your children is a kind of detached, cynical, humorous resignation – as though you are moderately fond of them but nonetheless find them a bit of a bore and a nuisance. There are parents who break these unwritten rules, who show off and brag about their offspring’s virtues and achievements, or gush sentimentally over them, but such behaviour is frowned upon as affected and pretentious, and such parents usually find themselves shunned and subtly excluded. Among family and close friends, English parents may express their real feelings about their children – whether bursting with love and pride or sick with worry – but among acquaintances at the school gates, or in other casual social chat, almost all of them assume the same air of mildly amused, critical detachment, and compete in bad-mouthing their hapless offspring.

But this typically English one-downmanship is not quite what it seems. The English, as I’ve said before, are no more naturally modest than any other nation, and although they obey the letter of the unwritten modesty laws, the spirit is another matter. Many of their derogatory comments about their children are in fact boasts in disguise, or at least highly disingenuous. Moaning about one’s child’s laziness and unwillingness to do homework indirectly conveys that he or she is bright enough to do well without trying. Complaining that one’s ‘impossible’ children spend all their time on the telephone or out ‘doing God knows what’ with their friends is another way of saying how popular they are. A mother’s eye-rolling mock-despair over her daughter’s obsession with fashion and make-up reminds us that the child is exceptionally pretty. We respond with a one-down expression of exasperation at our own child’s tedious obsession with sport

– really a covert boast about her athletic prowess.

If you are genuinely distressed about your children’s habits or behaviour, it is still vitally important to adopt the correct mock-despairing tone. Real despair can only be expressed among very close friends: at the school gates or at parties, even if you are truly feeling desperate, you must pretend to be only pretending to feel desperate. Listening to these conversations, I would occasionally detect an edge of genuine hopelessness creeping into a mother’s tone as she described the transgressions of her ‘hopeless’

children. Her fellow moaners would start to look a little uncomfortable, avoiding eye contact with her and shifting uneasily about – their feet turning to point away from her, unconsciously signalling a desire to escape. Usually, the speaker would sense their discomfort, pull herself together and resume the proper tone of lighthearted, humorous, pretend distress. The unbearable lightness of being English.

The rules of the one-downmanship game also include a strict injunction against ever criticizing the other person’s child. You can denigrate your own as much as you like, but you must never say a disparaging word about your moaning-companions’ offspring (or at least never to their face). Expressions of sympathy are allowed, in response to parents’ complaints about their children’s misdeeds or inadequacies, but must be carefully phrased to avoid causing offence. A deliberately vague ‘Oh, I know’ or a bit of empathetic tutting and rueful head-shaking are the only truly safe responses, and should be immediately followed by a one-down grumble about your own children’s failings.

None of this is as calculated or deliberately hypocritical as it might sound. Most English parents obey the one-downmanship rules automatically, without thinking. They instinctively adopt the cynical, mock-despairing tones and appropriate facial expressions. They just somehow know, without consciously reminding themselves, that it isn’t done to boast or get emotional. Even the subtle, indirect boasting – the showing-off disguised as deprecation – is not the result of careful thought. English parents do not say to themselves, ‘Hmmn, I’m not allowed to boast, so let me see, how can I bad-mouth my child while still somehow conveying that he/she is a genius?’ This kind of indirectness just comes naturally to us. We are accustomed to not saying what we mean: irony, self-deprecation, understatement, obliqueness, ambiguity and polite pretence are all deeply ingrained, part of being English. This peculiar mindset is inculcated at an early age, and by the time our children go to primary school, they have usually already mastered the art of the indirect boast, and can do their own self-deprecatory trumpet-blowing.

MATCHING RITES

At the beginning of this chapter, I pointed out that there is little about the format of an average English wedding that would seem odd or unfamiliar to a visitor from any other modern Western culture: we have the usual stag and hen nights (Americans call them bachelor and bachelorette parties); church or civil ceremony followed by reception; champagne; bride in white; wedding cake ditto; bridesmaids (optional); best man; speeches; special food; drink; dancing (optional); family tensions and feuds (more or less compulsory); etc. From an anthropologist’s perspective, an English wedding also has much in common even with exotic tribal marriage rites that would seem odd to most modern Western eyes. Despite superficial differences, they all conform to van Gennep’s basic rites-of-passage formula – separation, transition, incorporation – by which people are ceremoniously shunted from one sociocultural/life-cycle category to the next.

The English make rather less of a big social fuss about the ‘engagement’ than many other cultures – in some societies, the betrothal or engagement party can be as important an event as the wedding itself. (Perhaps to compensate, we make rather more of a fuss over the stag and hen nights, which are often considerably more protracted and festive than the wedding.)

Debrett’s etiquette bible reminds us, somewhat pessimistically, that ‘an important function of an engagement is to allow the two parental sides to get used to one another, and thus smooth out as early as possible any differences and difficulties.’ This tells us a lot about the English attitude to weddings. We know that a wedding is supposed to be a joyous event, but in our usual Eeyorish fashion, we really see it as an ordeal, an occasion fraught with difficulties and dangers (or, as the ever-cheery Debrett’s puts it ‘a minefield for the socially insecure and a logistical nightmare for the organisers’ and, for good measure, ‘a source of inter-family tension’). Something is bound to go drastically wrong, and someone is bound to be mortally offended – and because of our belief in the magical disinhibiting powers of alcohol, we know that the veneer of polite conviviality may crack, and the inevitable family tensions may erupt into unseemly tears and quarrels. Even if stiff upper lips are maintained on the day, there will be grumbles and recriminations in the aftermath, and in any case, even at best, we expect the whole ritual to be rather embarrassing.

TOPICAL JOURNEY English

31

January 2013

MARRIAGE & FAMILY CHARTS

More than half of women currently married have reached their 15-year wedding anniversary.

Compared to 1996, recent current marriages tend to be slightly more enduring, regardless of race, reflecting the leveling off of divorces and longer life expectancy, according to the Census Bureau.

CURRENTLY MARRIED WOMEN REACHING

15-YEAR ANNIVERSARY, BY RACE

About 60 percent of all children live with two married biological or adoptive parents. More than a quarter live with only one parent.

CHILDREN’S LIVING ARRANGEMENTS IN 2011

By age 25, about one-third of men and less than one-half of women have ever been married. A generation ago, about two-thirds of men and three-fourths of women had married by age 25.

PERCENT EVER MARRIED BY AGE 25, BY

GENDER

.From Watching the English: the hidden rules of English behaviour by Kate Fox

Source: U.S. Census Bureau

English

TOPICAL JOURNEY

32

January 2013

QUESTIONNAIRE

Grandparents

1.What were the names of your mother’s parents?

2.When and where were they born? Where did they live?

3.What did he do for a living?

4.Do you have any personal memories of them? Describe.

5.What were the names of your father’s parents?

6.When and where were they born? Where did they live?

7.What did they do for a living?

8.Do you have any personal memories of them? Describe.

9.Did you know your grandparents well?

10.What do you remember hearing about your great grandparents?

11.Did you ever meet them?

12.Did your great-grandparents, grandparents or parents come from a foreign country?

What stories are told in your family about the crossing? Do you have any relatives in foreign countries?

13.What traditions are still practiced in your family?

Childhood: The Family Home

1.What type of house did you live in as a child? Describe.

2.What other buildings were on the same property?

3.Did you have a garden? A fence? A swing? Flowers? Trees? A lawn?

4.As a child, did you have a room of your own, or did you share it with someone else? If so, whom?

5.Did you have a bed of your own?

6.In what room did you eat? Kitchen? Dining room?

7.Where did you eat when there was company?

8.Did your house have a parlor? Was the family allowed to use it?

9.How was your home heated? Was it warm in winter? Explain.

10.Did you have a fireplace?

11.What kind of kitchen stove did your parents cook on?

12.Did you burn wood? Coal?

13.Did you have to buy the fuel or was there a choice, such as cutting wood, with which you had to help?

14.Where did your family get water? Was it plentiful? What methods were used to conserve water?

15.Did your family always have a refrigerator?

If not, what did you use instead? When did you get a refrigerator?

16.Did your family have a cellar? Where did you store apples, potatoes? Canned foods?

17.Did you always have indoor plumbing? If not, when did you get it?

18.Did you always have electricity? If not, when did you get it?

19.Did you ever use candles or kerosene lamps?

20.If you moved during your childhood, tell where and when and what you can remember of each house and the family circumstances and reason for the move.

Family

10 STEPS TO WRITING YOUR FAMILY HISTORY

Writing a family history book just seems too daunting to be fun. But when the relatives start nagging, try these 10 easy steps for making your family history book a reality.

1) Choose a Format for Your Family History

What do you envision for your family history project? A simple photocopied booklet shared only with family members, or a full-scale, hard-bound book to serve as a reference for other genealogists? Or, perhaps, a family newsletter, cookbook or website is more realistic, given your time restraints and other obligations. Now is the time to be honest with yourself about the type of family history which meets your interests and your schedule. Otherwise, you’ll have a half-finished product nagging you for years to come.

Considering your interests, potential audience and the types of materials you have to work with, here are some forms your family history can take:

•Memoir/Narrative: A combination of story and personal experience, memoirs and narratives do not need to be all-inclusive or objective. Memoirs usually focus on a specific episode or time period in the life of a single ancestor, while a narrative generally encompasses a group of ancestors.

•Cookbook: Share your family’s favorite recipes while writing about the people who created them. A fun project, family history cookbooks help carry on the family traditions of cooking and eating together.

•Scrapbook or Album: If you’re fortunate enough to have a large collection of family photos and memorabilia, a scrapbook or photo album can be a fun way to tell your family’s story. Include your photos in chronological order and include stories, descriptions and family trees to complement the pictures.

Most family histories are generally narrative in nature, with a combination of personal story, photos and family trees. So, don’t be afraid to get creative!

2) Define the Scope of Your Family History

Do you intend to write mostly about just one particular relative, or everyone hanging from your family tree? As the author, you next need to choose a focus for your family history book. Some possibilities include:

•Single Line of Descent – Begins with the earliest known ancestor for a particular surname and follows him/her through a single line of descent (to yourself, for example). Each chapter of your book would cover one ancestor or generation.

•All Descendants of... – Begins with an individual or couple and covers all of their descendants, with chapters organized by generation. If you’re focusing your family history on an immigrant ancestor, this is a good way to do it.

•The Grandparents – Includes a section on each of your four grandparents, or eight great-grandparents, or sixteen great, great grandparents if you are very ambitious. Each individual section focuses on one grandparent, and works backwards through their ancestry or forward from his/her earliest known ancestor.

Again, these suggestions can easily be adapted to fit your interests, time and creativity. For example, you may choose to write a family history covering all people of a particular surname in a particular region, even if they aren’t all necessarily related to one another!

3) Set Deadlines You Can Live With

Even though you’ll likely find yourself scrambling to meet them, deadlines force you to complete each stage of your project. The goal here is to get each piece done within a specified time frame. Revising and polishing can always be done later. The best way to meet these deadlines is to schedule writing time, just as you would a visit to the doctor or hairdresser.

4) Choose a Plot & Themes

Thinking of your ancestors as characters in your family history story, what problems and obstacles did your ancestors face? A plot gives your family history interest and focus. Popular family history plots and themes include:

•Immigration/Migration

•Rags to Riches

•War Survival

See more on CD.

History

5) Do Your Background Research

If you want your family history to read more like a suspense novel than a dull, dry textbook, then it is important to make the reader feel like an eyewitness to your family’s life. Even when your ancestor didn’t leave an account of his or her daily life, social histories can help you learn about the experiences of people in a given time and place. Read town and city histories to learn what life was like during your time period of interest. Research timelines of wars, natural disasters and epidemics to see if any might have influenced your ancestor. Investigate your ancestor’s occupation to gain greater understanding into his daily activities. Read up on the fashions, art, transportation and common foods of the time period and location. If you haven’t already, be sure to interview all of your living relatives. Family stories told in a relative’s own words will add a personal touch to your book.

6) Organize Your Research

Create a timeline for each ancestor that you plan to write about. This will help you arrange the outline for your book, as well as spot any gaps in your research. Sort through the records and photos for each ancestor and identify the ones you’d like to include, making note of each on the timeline. Then use these timelines to help develop an outline for your narrative. You may choose to order your material in many different ways: chronologically, geographically, by character, or by theme.

7) Choose a Starting Point

What is the most interesting part of your family’s story? Did your ancestors escape a life of poverty and persecution for a better one in a new country? Was there an interesting invention or occupation? A war time hero? Pick out an interesting fact, record or story about your ancestors and open your narrative with it. Just like the fiction books you read for pleasure, a family history book doesn’t need to begin at the beginning. An interesting story will grab the reader’s attention, with the hope of drawing them in past the first page. You can later use flashback to fill in the reader on the events which lead up to your opening story.

8) Don’t be Afraid to Use Records and Documents

Diary entries, will excerpts, military accounts, obituaries and other records offer compelling, first-hand accounts of your family’s history – and you don’t even have to do the writing! Anything written directly by your ancestor is definitely worth including, but you may also find interesting accounts that mention your ancestor in the records of neighbors and other family members. Include short excerpts within the text of your writing, with source citations to point readers to the original record.

Photos, charts, maps and other illustrations can also add interest to a family history and help break up the writing into manageable chunks for the reader. Be sure to include detailed captions for any photos or illustrations that you incorporate.

9) Make it Personal

Anyone who reads your family history will likely be interested in the facts, but what they’ll most enjoy and remember are the everyday details – favorite stories and anecdotes, embarrasing moments and family traditions. Sometimes it can be interesting to include varying accounts of the same event. Personal stories offer a great way to introduce new characters and chapters, and keep your reader interested. If your ancestors left no personal accounts, you can still tell their story as if they had, using what you’ve learned about them from your research.

10) Include an Index and Source Citations

Unless your family history is only a few pages in length, an index is a really important feature. This makes it much easier for the casual reader to find the portions of your book that detail the people in which they are interested. At the very least, try to include a surname index. A place index is also useful if your ancestors moved around a lot.

Source citations are an essential part of any family book, to both provide credibility to your research, and to leave a trail that others can follow to verify your findings.

By Kimberly Powell

Sources: http://genealogy.about.com; http://www.build-creative-writing-ideas.com

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		January 2013

FREE CREATIVE WRITING PROMPTS: FAMILY

Something that you can’t control about your life is your family. Good, bad, or ugly, you start your life with them in some capacity. By being present or not, positive or not, they will shape your life. These creative writing prompts center on the topic of family. As always, give yourself the gift, the ability to let yourself feel, and take the time for relaxation afterward.

1.Recall and write a detailed account of your most embarrassing moment with your mother, step-mother, or other mother-like figure.

2.Describe the time around the moment you realized that your mother and father were in fact not perfect or normal.

3.Write a story of your older brother or sister beating you up or you beating up a younger brother or sister. If it never happened, make it up.

4.Describe this event: finding out the true nature of Santa Claus or the Easter Bunny and your first confrontation with your parents afterward.

5.In a detailed manner, write about the day of and the day after your little brother or sister was born.

6.Describe your family’s greatest catastrophe to date.

7.Evaluate your place with your entire family.

The starving artist? The slacker? The underachieving genius? Label your role and start labeling the other members of your family as well. Explain the labels.

8.Describe your most memorable family holiday/vacation.

9.Describe the first time you introduced a boyfriend or girlfriend to your immediate family.

10.Describe the first time you introduced a boyfriend or girlfriend to your extended family.

11.Use research or imagination to write a day in the life story of your mother, father or siblings when they were your current age.

12.In a “Freaky Friday”-esque situation, you have switched bodies with your mother or father. Describe your next 24 hours.

13.Write a story of one of your ancestors in connection to a famous event in history.

14.Think back to an event with your family from your childhood. Write a scene between you and a parent or sibling and try to piece together the whole event.

15.Either remember back to or imagine if your parents were to tell you that they were getting a divorce, describe your next 24 hours.

16.How did your sibling’s reputation affect how teachers treated you in school (or vice versa)? Describe specific situations.

17.You have to spend a week with one cousin, who do you choose and why? Describe the week.

18.You have to spend a week with one grandparent or one pairing of grandparents. Who do you choose and why? Describe the week.

19.Imagine or describe your own wedding and

the involvement of your family in the planning and execution.

It’s scary to write about some of these issues and it’s exciting to write about others. You get out of these exercises exactly what you put in.