I never cheated on my wife.

Why are you crying?

Three buddies die in a car crash (три дружка умирают в автомобильной аварии; to crush – раздавить), and they go to heaven to an orientation (и они отправляются в рай для "ориентации"=чтобы их направили, распределили по заслугам).

They are all asked, "When you are in your casket (когда вы в гробу) and friends and family are mourning upon you (и друзья и семья оплакивают вас, скорбят над вами), what would you like to hear them say about you? (чтобы вы хотели услышать от них о вас)"

The first guy says, "I would like to hear them say that I was a great doctor of my time (что я был великим врачом своего времени), and a great family man (и отличным семьянином)."

The second guy says, "I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher which made a huge difference in our children of tomorrow (что я был чудесным мужем и школьным учителем, который сильно изменил /к лучшему/ наших детей завтрашнего дня: "сделал огромную разницу, огромное отличие в наших детях грядущего дня"; difference [`dıfer∂ns])."

The last guy replies, "I would like to hear them say, "Look! He's moving! (смотрите! Он шевелится!)"

Three buddies die in a car crash, and they go to heaven to an orientation. They are all asked, "When you are in your casket and friends and family are mourning upon you, what would you like to hear them say about you?"

The first guy says, "I would like to hear them say that I was a great doctor of my time, and a great family man." The second guy says, "I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher which made a huge difference in our children of tomorrow." The last guy replies, "I would like to hear them say, "Look! He's moving!"

Look! He's moving!

This guy dies and is sent to Hell (этот = один парень умирает и послан в ад /to send-sent-sent/). Satan meets him and shows him the doors to three rooms (сатана встречает его и показывает ему двери к трем комнатам) and says he must choose one of the rooms to spend eternity in (и говорит, что он должен выбрать одну из комнат, чтобы проводить в ней вечность).

So Satan opens the first door (открывает первую дверь). In the room there are people standing in cow manure up to their necks (в комнате люди, стоящие в коровьем навозе по шеи; manure [m∂`nju∂]). The guy says, "No, please show me the next room (нет, пожалуйста, покажи мне следующую комнату)."

Satan shows him the next room and this has people with cow manure up to their noses (до носов). And so he says no again (снова).

Finally (наконец), Satan shows him the third and final (и последнюю) room. This time there are people in there with cow manure up to their knees (по колено) drinking cups of tea and eating cakes (пьющие "чашку" чая и "едящие" пирожки).

So the guy says, "I'll choose this room (я выберу эту комнату)." Satan says O.K.

The guy is standing in there eating his cake and drinking his tea thinking (думая), "Well, it could be worse (могло быть хуже)," when the door opens. Satan pops his head around (всовывает голову), and says,

"O.K., tea-break is over (перерыв на чай закончен). Back on your heads! (снова /встать/ на головы)"

This guy dies and is sent to Hell. Satan meets him and shows him the doors to three rooms and says he must choose one of the rooms to spend eternity in.

So Satan opens the first door. In the room there are people standing in cow manure up to their necks. The guy says, "No, please show me the next room."

Satan shows him the next room and this has people with cow manure up to their noses. And so he says no again. Finally, Satan shows him the third and final room. This time there are people in there with cow manure up to their knees drinking cups of tea and eating cakes.

So the guy says, "I'll choose this room." Satan says O.K.

The guy is standing in there eating his cake and drinking his tea thinking, "Well, it could be worse", when the door opens. Satan pops his head around, and says,

"O.K., tea-break is over. Back on your heads!"