9 Ground rules for effective arguing

 

 Never, ever physically attack your partner!

It doesn't matter what sex you are, or whether you are the physically weaker one in a couple. Getting physically aggressive with your partner is not acceptable under any circumstances. You may feel all sorts of intense feelings, but you are an adult who is fully responsible for managing his or her own emotions. If you feel like you are losing control of yourself walk away from the situation and give yourself some time and space to cool off.  And of course people can also behave in a very threatening way physically without ever laying hands on somebody, so be aware of how you're using your body in an argument and don't threaten your partner physically. Don't throw hard objects either. Love does not grow out of fear.

 

Don't attack your partner verbally

People can be very aggressive and personally insulting with words. Personal, verbal insults are neither acceptable nor useful in an argument.Always remember that your partner is (or was) a person you care about. He or she is not your enemy. If you hadn't have loved him or her at some point you wouldn't be having an argument with them now. Although you may be at odds with each other during an argument, you and your partner are still a team. By not saying anything personally insulting you are safeguarding the interests of both of you for the future, rather than trying to win and score points personally. Furthermore, simply consider how much apologising you will have to do later for trading personal insults during your argument! It's immature: do you really need to score points that badly?

 

Own your own feelings

This bit may be quite hard in an argument, but it will minimize defensiveness all round. If you are telling your partner what you are not happy with always say "I feel ....", "I want ... from you", etc. When you state your case from your perspective you are owning your side of it. This creates a very different process then when you say "You make me feel... by doing....", "You are this, that and the other". The latter often leads to blaming or defensiveness and it is easy to get into entrenched positions.

 

Be honest

An argument is all about stating what's what as you see it. You need to be willing to be open with your partner about how you feel and what you're thinking. One really great benefit of arguing is that in the heat of the moment you may be honest about things which you would normally not be willing to say to your partner. Therefore, arguments can help to bring more closeness and honesty into your relationship. There is no point trying to hide or protect your partner from how you are really feeling. So in some way, "brutal" honesty is what is often needed, but without personal insults, attacks or pushing responsibility for your feelings onto your partner. In short be honest, but don't persecute your partner.

 

Be direct

This follows on from the above point on honesty. If you name things as they are for you without beating round the bush, the whole argument will be over quicker. Stick to what is happening right now between the two of you and state what you are thinking and feeling clearly. This will need some practice as strong feelings often don't help one's articulation. Being direct also means you don't keep on talking and talking, but each of you gets a chance to talk and state your case.

 

Give yourself "time out"

Arguments can involve very intense feelings and use up a lot of energy. Give yourself time to cool off, or to step away and calm down for a bit.It's OK to have breaks from the process and to come back to it once you are feeling a bit calmer again. Some things can't get sorted straight away and need more time. For some people it is really hard to manage interruptions in the continuity of the relationship. If you are getting really stressed when your partner wants to have some time out, it may help to learn to manage your own anxiety better in the moment.  Arguments still progress in these breaks as each partner has time to reflect and process what has happened. Even though you may feel no connection at all to your partner during this break they are still there. It's OK to be with yourself for a while: the other person is still around and hasn't packed his or her bags yet!

 

Be willing to forgive

At some point an argument needs to stop again. Normally, this happens when an issue has been resolved, or there has been some change in one or both partners. Whenever it is OK for you, try and let things go again. Maybe what has been said is enough for now. At that point, check with yourself whether you are willing to forgive your partner, or accept him or her for who he or she is even if that's not how you ideally would like them to be. If you find this difficult maybe there is still something you need to say? On the other hand, be aware of your own tendency to try and win arguments or to try and have the last word. You can't both have the last word each and every time; however, by forgiving each other and letting things go you can both win as a team.