It could wait.

He looked down at Rhiannon and couldn’t help but smile. Now that she was clean and quiet she seemed like a nice kid. His daughter would have to be clean and quiet. Bill didn’t want to think about the alternatives. He watched her stare at his stomach until they both looked up and Molly waddled in with her hand braced at the small of her back.

“Thank you so much, you’re a lifesaver. I thought I was going to break my bladder right there on the street,” she said as she walked further into the kitchen. “Oh, nice; I see you opted for the granite countertops. I wish I had.”

Bill looked at the counters and shrugged. They hadn’t seen much use; Tom liked to sit on them instead of the chairs at the table sometimes. “Oh, thanks. And no problem about the bathroom, I understand.” He made a vague motion at his own stomach and grimaced.

“I’m sure you do.” Molly looked down at her watch and held out her hand to Rhiannon. “Come on young lady, your father will be home soon and we have to get you ready for Mrs. Brady.”

“I don’t like her, she smells like cheese.” The five year old pouted and Bill wondered if he looked half as adorable as she did when he did it. Rhiannon took her mother’s hand and turned to wave at Bill. “Bye, my hands are clean now.”

“Thanks again,” Molly said as Bill followed them to the door.

“It was no problem, none at all,” he reassured her as he opened the door.

“I wish I could stick around and chat but I can’t. I’m going out and, even though I probably weigh as much as a baby whale, I’m going to get into something slinky and try and be sexy with my husband while my child stays at home with her babysitter.” Molly nodded resolutely.

“Hey,” Rhiannon complained and Bill couldn’t help but smile.

“It’s okay, be sure you enjoy yourself.”

“But we’ll see each other around the neighborhood. I’m five houses down the street, the grey one.”

“Okay.” Bill didn’t know what she expected him to do with that information but he politely took it and waved as they walked down the driveway. He watched Rhiannon skip next to her mother until they disappeared from view.

~*~

Tom opened their bedroom to see Bill dressed for bed far earlier than normal. “You okay?” he asked as he took off his shoes and hats. Tom shook out his locks and scratched his scalp. Maybe if he was nice enough tonight Bill would scratch his scalp and help him wax his locks tomorrow.

“Yeah.” Bill looked up and muted the television. Tom watched Jim Carrey flail around onscreen for a second before he turned his gaze back on his twin.

“You just seem a bit quiet today.”

“I was at the doctor earlier and then you went to the music store. We haven’t had much time to talk.” Bill felt a surge of irritation and stamped it down tightly. He was tired of the hormones. “Sorry, I didn’t mean it.”

Tom pulled his wallet out of his pants and frowned. “I’m sorry, but two strings just broke and I had to get them replaced. I asked you if you wanted to come.”

“I didn’t want to go to the music store and watch you drool over guitars that you already have.” Bill took the television off mute and resumed watching the movie. Tom watched his brother briefly and tried to figure out exactly what the problem was.

“Did you eat dinner already?” he asked, careful to keep his voice light.

“Yeah, I had the leftovers from the Indian restaurant.” Bill still wouldn’t look at Tom and he was beginning to get irritated.

He was going to suggest they go out to get something but Bill’s attitude and his own surliness crept to the surface. Maybe it was better they stayed in. “I’m going to go take a shower.” Bill just grunted and stared at the television. “Bill?”

“Yeah?”

“I think we need a housekeeper.”

Bill looked away from the television and frowned. “What?”

“Someone to cook and clean.”

“I know what a housekeeper does, Tom.” Bill sat up and turned off the television. “Where’d this come from?”

“Well, I’ve been thinking about it. We eat out a lot and that can’t be too healthy for you or our baby. A housekeeper could do the housework and make sure you have balanced meals and everything. Personally I’m tired of eating out all the time. I didn’t know I could get to that point,” Tom said with a laugh.

Bill turned the remote over in his hand and tapped the back with a manicured nail. “Would she live with us?”

“I don’t think so… we wouldn’t be able to be, you know…” Tom trailed off with a blush.

“We wouldn’t be able to fuck as loud and as long as we wanted?” Bill smirked and realized he hadn’t seen many things that made his twin blush.

“Yeah; so I was thinking someone who came in the mornings and left in the evenings a couple of days a week. She could make enough food to last until she came back, like every other day or something?”

“I guess.” Bill rubbed his stomach and winced. “Are you still going in the shower?”

“What, do I stink?”

“No, I need to use the bathroom.” Bill scrambled off the bed and ran past his twin and slammed the door in his face.

“You have a bladder the size of a walnut!” Tom yelled through the door playfully.

“Fuck you!”

~*~

“So when Bill’s doctor gives us the go ahead then we’ll respond to the interview requests in the affirmative.” David smiled reassuringly at the boys and the suits that filled the rest of the table. Tokio Hotel was requested to join a meeting about their future and whatever plans were on the horizon. Tom had his jaw clenched so he wouldn’t say anything. He could see what this was; they wanted to pressure Bill into taking the interviews regardless.

“And has he gotten back with you yet?” a hawk of a woman asked from near the top of the table. The room in the air circulated as twelve necks craned to look at the singer. Bill shrank in his seat and swallowed before he responded.

“Doctor Anderson was called into surgery this morning and hasn’t been able to take calls or patients. I was told he’d call me tomorrow.” Bill hated his voice for the slight shake but it was disconcerting to see so many people stare at him so interestedly.

“Time is winding down for the acceptance of the interviews. I don’t have to tell you how much this means for the label and the band, Jost,” a man named Hanker grumbled. “If he doesn’t get back with you by noon tomorrow we’ll have one of our own doctors take a look at you.”

“He’s not a car, not just anyone will take a look at him,” Tom piped up angrily. “He has a doctor and we trust his opinion.” He couldn’t say that the only reason why he trusted the man’s judgment was because Tom was sure he’d tell his twin he couldn’t travel. He awaited the phone call almost as much as Bill.

Jost shot him a warning glance before his ‘schmooze’ smile spread warmly on his face. “I think we should hold on before bringing any other medical professionals into the mix. Bill is quite partial to his doctor, as I’m sure you all can understand.”

“Do you want to go on these interviews, Bill?” a man at the end of the table spoke for the first time since the meeting started; none of the suits from the label turned, their eyes were for Bill only, even though the whole of Tokio Hotel sat on the one side of the long table.

“…I do,” Bill said honestly. He wanted to get out of the room and back home. It wasn’t often the label called them in for a meeting but attendance was required.

“Then it’s settled. Jost, keep us in the loop. Gentlemen,” Hanker rose and finally addressed all four band members. “Pleasure doing business with you.” The suits left quickly as if their work kept the world turning and as soon as the door closed behind the last executive Jost breathed a sigh of relief and sat back in his chair.

“Shit, Bill; are you sure you can’t get a hold of your doctor today? It would be so much better for everyone if you could.”

“You think he’s lying?” Gustav piped up angrily. He’d sat through forty minutes of bullshit because the label wanted to push Bill as long as they could. It pissed him off and when he was angry he had a hard time trying to keep his temper under control.

“No, it’s not that. I just want him to try the office. Maybe he’s left the answer with his staff. I don’t need this, Gustav; I’ve already got them,” David jerked a thumb towards the door, “up my ass. I don’t have room for anyone else.”

“I agree, Bill shouldn’t have to be forced.”

“But I want to go.”

“But you’re not going if Robert doesn’t say yes.” Bill frowned at Tom and looked away. He didn’t have the energy to fight in public and he didn’t feel like having an audience at that particular time.

“I know that.”

“Bill, can you try his office again, please? If there’s still no word then I’ll drop it,” David asked quietly. Bill pulled his phone out and dialed the doctor office’s phone number.

“Anderson and Mathews Neonatal Center, Karen speaking; how can I help you?”

“Karen, hi it’s Bill.”

“Hello hon, what can I do for you?”

“Is Robert back yet?”

“No, there were complications in the surgery and they’ve been delayed. But he did… hold on sweetie,” Karen trailed off and Bill mentally crossed his fingers. “Yeah, I thought so. He left a message for you. He said he’s going to allow you to travel. Is that what you wanted?”

“More than you know, thank you Karen.”

“No problem sweetie. See you when you get back.”

Bill hung up the phone and grinned at David. “They said yes?” the manager asked hopefully as he rose out of his seat.

“Yes, he did,” Bill affirmed and Jost whooped and ran towards the door.

“Be back!” The vocalist watched the door close and turned to see his twin’s sour expression.

“What’s wrong?” Bill asked softly.

“Nothing.” Tom’s smile was tight and he didn’t want to have an argument in front of Georg and Gustav, and that was exactly what voicing his opinion would do right now.

“You’re going with him right, Tom?” Georg asked worriedly.

“You better believe it. I will be right there,” Tom reassured them.

“Yes, my babysitter will be right there.” Bill crossed his arms and looked away. Gustav shot Georg a meaningful look.

“Well, I guess we should go,” the bassist said after a moment. “Tom, we’ll be ready to lay down the instrumentals soon. Peter and Pat said be ready, they’re close to giving us the go ahead.”

Tom nodded and watched the two G’s leave before he turned to Bill. “What was that about?” he asked calmly.

“What do you mean? Why are we still here; aren’t we done, too?” Bill adjusted his bra, annoyed. It didn’t seem to want to fit correctly; did he forget to launder it properly again? He’d lost four bras that way already.

“That whole babysitter crack; do you really feel like that?”

“Yes. Are you still going to come with me on the trip?” Bill snapped.

“Wait, you don’t want me to come?”

“I don’t want to talk about this.”

“So that means we don’t? Is that fucking fair?” Tom retorted.

“We’ll talk about fair when we get you pregnant.”

The silence in the room suffocated and Tom looked down at the long mahogany table beside him. “Is this how it’s going to be?”

“What?” Bill knew he was wrong, but something in him wouldn’t admit it. More and more lately words he hadn’t meant to say aloud crept out at the most inopportune times.

“Are you going to make me pay for getting you pregnant? Am I going to have to apologize every day for it?”

“Maybe,” Bill whispered.

Tom laughed mirthlessly and nodded once before getting to his feet. “I’ll be in the car when you’re ready.”

Bill picked at the hem of his shirt and bit his lip to keep the tears back. When the door swung back open he wiped his eyes quickly and smiled. “Tomi?”

David walked in with a raised eyebrow. “Uh…no. Not quite.”

Bill couldn’t keep the disappointment off of his face and sniffed. “Is the label happy now?” he asked a tad bitterly.

“Yes, they are. Ecstatic actually; everything is getting set up and I’ll get back to you and Tom on the trip duration and everything.”

“Okay.”

“Oh, remember when we talked about the live acoustic set? The label thinks it would be a great idea. Perhaps after you get back?”

“David…” Bill rubbed his temples and groaned.

“Look, you don’t have to think about it right now, but you know how important it is to show appreciation to our fans; they’ve stuck by us during this whole ordeal.”

“So my pregnancy is an ordeal?” Bill glared at him and the manager actually took a step back from the angry teen.

“No, that was the wrong word. They’ve stuck with us during this whole journey.” David smiled reassuringly until Bill expression ceased to remind him of a bull about to charge. “So, I’ll tell the label you’ll think about it?”

“That’s fine.” Bill reached for a napkin and wiped his eyes, makeup be damned.

“You okay, Bill?”

“Yeah,” he said shortly and rose awkwardly to his feet. “I’m going to go now, is there anything else?”

“…No, I’ll call you.” David frowned as the teen left.

~*~

Bill lifted his sunglasses to stare at the paint job on a house. It looked grey when he took the shades off, and it was indeed five houses down. This had to be it. He blew his bangs off of his sweaty forehead and walked up the driveway to ring the doorbell. There was a shriek from inside, followed by laughter. The door opened unexpectedly but Bill was too wrapped up in the joy of blasted air conditioning. It had been a short, but hot, walk from his house. When he came back down from his brief jubilation he found Molly with a smile on her face. “Hi,” he said stupidly.

“Hi, yourself. Why don’t you come in and get the full body experience?” She moved out of the way and pulled him in by the arm. The house felt almost frigid but it was a wonderful sensation on his skin and Bill lifted the hair off of his shoulders and let the coolness caress the red skin on his neck. “So, what brings you to my humble abode?”

“Your house is as big as mine; I don’t think either can really be classified as humble.” Bill smiled.

“Touché.”

“Um, I’m sorry to just drop by but I realized I didn’t have your number and I’m at home by myself…” He suddenly felt very stupid for the walk of death to implore a stranger to keep him company.

“It’s just you and your brother, right?” Molly asked as she wiped her hands on a dishtowel.

“Yeah.”

“I’m sure you are lonely. Well, come on in; we’re having cookies and Rhiannon is doing some finger-painting at the kitchen table. Do you feel like a cookie?”

“That sounds good,” Bill said honestly. He followed Molly down the hall into the spacious kitchen and was hit how differently it looked from his and Tom’s. It felt so warm, so lived in. Rhiannon waved from the table, hands covered in blue paint up to her elbows. Bill’s eyes widened but Molly didn’t seem to have a problem as she bustled around the kitchen. She slid cookies off of a long sheet into a pretty basket and smiled in satisfaction.

“They’re not burnt,” she said proudly.

“Do you burn them a lot?”

“Lately. Being pregnant has screwed with my sense of baking. I usually know when to take something out, but since little Joel here…” Molly poked her stomach playfully. “Here, have one. They’ve already cooled.” She lifted the basket up so Bill could get a couple.

“I want one, Mommy!” Rhiannon looked up and pouted.

“You wanted to do finger-painting, remember? You can only do one thing at a time. Besides, I don’t want you to eat blue dye and that’s what will happen if you get one now. When you’re finished I’ll clean you up and you can have one cookie after lunch.” Molly turned back to Bill. “You’re welcome to stay, we’re having lasagna and we have more than enough.”

At the hint of lasagna the baby kicked for joy and Bill winced and rubbed the spot gently. “That sounds wonderful; as long as you’re sure I’m not intruding.”

“Honestly, I’d be glad for a bit of adult company.” She pulled out another plate as Bill sat down. Rhiannon looked over at him and grinned, a swipe of blue paint on her temple disappeared into her brown curls and the singer figured she must have scratched her head. Bill suppressed a grin and waited expectantly as the five year old stared back at him.

“So you ate a baby like my Mommy?”

Bill’s eyes widened and he heard Molly groan from across the room. “Oh god, I’m so sorry. Rhiannon Blake, don’t… oh goodness. I’m so sorry.” She came over to the table and began to roll up her daughter’s excess paper and close the paint. “You’re done with this for today. Go get washed up.”

“Okay…” Rhiannon spared a glance in Bill’s direction before she slid out of the chair and scampered out of the room.

“I tried to explain to her about pregnancy and for the life of me she won’t let the idea go that I ate the baby because I said it’s in my stomach.” Molly laughed and picked up a finished doodle. “Isn’t it pretty?”

Bill looked at it and wondered how he’d feel if his daughter had done it. “It is,” he said honestly and Molly beamed at him before she went to put it on the refrigerator. “So, I caught your accent and Molly isn’t really a German name; do you mind if I ask where you’re from?”

“Ireland. I met my husband there and he transferred here and bam. I’ve been here for about ten years now. Greg has already lost his accent, but I’m holding steadfast or when I call home my parents won’t recognize me,” she said over her shoulder and stepped back from the impromptu mount. “There, that’s prefect.”

“Ireland? I’ve never been, I’ve seen pictures though.” Bill remembered when Jost’s ex girlfriend made him take her to Ireland and he’d brought back beautiful pictures, but no girlfriend.

“Pictures don’t do it justice,” Molly said as she pulled the pan of lasagna out of the warmer and put it on the table. “I’ve got string beans, salad, and garlic bread. Is that fine?”

“More than fine, I don’t want you to go out of your way for me,” he said as he stared at the lasagna. It looked really good and his stomach rumbled and Bill could feel the baby move around. They were both hungry.

“No, it’s not a problem. Not every day that I get to host a rock star.”

“Oh, are you a fan?” Without warning Bill slipped into the cadence he used when having to deal with the press. Forcibly polite and detached.

“Well, I know who you guys are, but I’m not a big fan; sorry.” She put a large basket of buttery garlic bread next to the main dish and shrugged. “I hope you’re not disappointed.”

Bill looked up from the bread and smirked. “I’m sure I’ll get over it.” He hesitated and for some reason felt the need to cry. Molly was so nice and funny, and on top of everything else she was going to feed him! He looked up at her and Molly nodded in understanding.

“Do you have any other pregnant people to hang out with?”

“I’m not really in the habit of hanging out with pregnant people,” Bill sniffed and laughed. “Do you ever just feel insane?”

“Honey, I ended up throwing out all of my left shoes because that foot was too swollen to fit into them. I had to explain to my husband why I didn’t have any shoes to wear.”

Bill looked at her weirdly and burst out laughing.

~*~

“So you haven’t told Tom.”

“Should I?”

“You wouldn’t ask that question if you didn’t already know the answer.”

Bill looked away and shrugged with one shoulder. “Why should I? It’s my body and I should be able to do with it what I want.”

“I agree.”

“So why are you trying to make me tell Tom?”

“Because he’s the father; it’s your body but it’s not just your baby.”

“I know that. Shit, it’s been keeping me up at night,” Bill said wearily. “I think half the time I’m bitching at him because I feel guilty.”

“That’s not particularly fair, is it?” Stephen looked up and watched Bill stare at the ceiling with his head against the back of the couch. “Bill?”

“No, it’s not fair.” Bill didn’t move his head, he was too mesmerized by the swirled pattern of the ceiling. Part of him wondered why he was so interested, but it was probably because it had nothing to do with what Stephen wanted to talk about.

“So, what are you going to do about it?”

“Stop being an ass.”

“That helps.”

Bill lifted his head and looked at the therapist briefly. “Robert told the label I can travel. Tom’s probably at home packing as we speak.”

“He’s excited about the trip?”

“Tom likes to travel.”

“Are you excited about the trip?”

“I like to travel.”

“So why do you have a sour expression on your face?”

“I don’t think I want Tom to go.”

“Why is he going? You said the interviews were solos.”

“They are.”

“And he’s going…” Stephen prompted gently.

“He’s worried about me.”

“Ah.”

“And before you ask how does that make me feel, I feel like he’s my babysitter instead of my brother. I’m suffocating and I wanted to get out of Germany for a while and he wants to come with me.”

“You can’t really blame him for being worried.”

“I can.”

“Well, technically you can blame an apple for being worried; what we’re going to deal with is what is reasonable. Tom is worried about you and the baby.”

“I know, I’m trying not to be mad at him.” Stephen looked at Bill until he squirmed. “Fine, I’m not trying that hard. I’m hoping that he’ll snap and say he’s not coming. God knows I’ve been a bastard the past week.”

“That’s slipping back into your old patterns of manipulation to get what you want.” Bill looked appropriately aghast and crossed his arms over his abdomen as best he could.

“Fuck, I don’t want that.”

“I know you don’t. We’ve talked about how to use your words to make sure your point gets across. Tom’s willing to listen and I think he’d be reasonable if you just talk to him. Am I right?”

“Tom’s leans to logic more than I do; always has.” Bill rubbed his arm absently and smiled.

“So talk to him, tell him that you were looking forward to this trip to be on your own and clear your head.”

“Maybe.”

“How long is the trip?”

“I’m not sure, David hasn’t gotten back with me but it’s only two interviews. I don’t think it will be that long.”

“And how’s the nursery looking? You have most of what you need?”

Bill groaned and shook his head. “The room is just… empty.”

Stephen nodded slowly and sighed. “Well, as you know, you’ve opted to go ahead with the C section in your seventh month. That’s about three weeks away. You’re going to have even less time with this trip.”

“It just snuck up on me,” Bill wailed.

“I’ve got something that will definitely help.” Stephen climbed out of his chair and walked over to rifle around in his desk. He came back with a pamphlet. “Expecting Parents Checklist,” he said with mock fanfare.

“What’s that?”

“Absolutely everything you need before the baby comes. You can just hit the list before you go and have your parents help while you’re gone. That way you can rest before the procedure.”

Bill rubbed his temples and nodded. He couldn’t get around the fact that he’d need to get help or nothing would be ready. This was so much stress and he wanted to scream. “What?” he asked as he looked up.

“I’ve been calling your name for the past minute. Stressing about it isn’t going to help anything, remember what we talked about?”

“Yeah.” Bill pulled himself together and took the papers. There was so much more than he’d figured and the weight of the situation fell on him again. “Can we cut the session early today? I’ve got a horrible headache and I just want to go home.” Bill couldn’t tell Stephen that the room spun every time he moved; the trip would be out of the question.

“If you feel that would be best,” Stephen said neutrally.

“For my head; yes.” Bill winced and closed his eyes slowly.

“Okay, go home and get some rest. And remember, let people help you. This doesn’t have to be done by just you and Tom alone.”

Bill opened his eyes and nodded.

~*~

Tom closed the door and looked at his twin on the bed. They’d had a tense dinner and both hadn’t really talked much while they cleaned the kitchen. Bill complained of a headache and turned in early; Tom felt like an intruder in his own room and spent about two hours in the guest bedroom before he realized he was being ridiculous and went into the master bedroom.

Bill looked over at Tom and sighed. “I didn’t know if you were going to come to bed with me or not.”

“You act like you don’t want me to.” Tom frowned and sat on the edge of the bed, out of reach of Bill’s sprawled arm. He lay curled on his side with one hand on his abdomen and the other spread across the bed. Lately Tom had forgotten how long Bill was due to his rapid expansion outward.

“I do. I’m just under a lot of stress.”

“What do you think I’m here for? I’m trying to make this easier on you.” The dreadlocked teen groaned and ground the heels of his hands into his eyes. “I don’t know what you want, Bill. I am trying to give it to you, whatever it is. But every time it seems like you’ve changed the game and you just didn’t bother to give me the new instructions. I’m trying, Bill. If you let me.”

“Please, I don’t want to fight,” Bill said weakly.

“Neither do I, but I can’t keep being jerked back and forth. I don’t know what you want from me.”

“Kiss me,” Bill said quietly.

“What?”

“Kiss me. Please.”

Tom groaned and crawled across the bed. He could never resist Bill when he pleaded for anything. He loomed over his brother’s prone form and lowered himself for a feather light meeting of lips. Bill made an unsatisfied noise at the back of his throat and pulled on one of Tom’s locks to deepen the kiss.

Tom slid down so he lay next to Bill and ran his thumb down the singer’s cheek before he came around and ran his fingers on Bill’s full lips. They parted invitingly and Tom leaned forward and kissed him firmly. It was languid and deep; he shook when Bill’s tongue stud caressed the roof of his mouth and he couldn’t get enough of his twin’s kisses.

He sighed in relief and let his hands wander down the front of Bill’s shirt; he cupped his breasts gently and was rewarded by a breathy moan into his mouth. Tom’s hand traveled further and he stopped at the ever growing swell of Bill’s abdomen. He pulled out of the kiss but continued to stroke Bill’s stomach. “I just want what’s best for you and the baby,” Tom whispered.

Bill looked at his brother impassively and sighed. “Can we not talk about the baby tonight? Just tonight, I want it to be just you and me.” Tom looked unsettled, but nodded. If Bill wanted it to be just the two of them then that’s what it’d be.

And it was.

Author's Chapter Notes:

Sometimes.

“Time flies by so fast,” Jorg said as he picked with his garlic bread. “Where did it all go?”

 

Simone agreed silently as Gordon poured her more wine. “I know I already asked this, but are you sure you want to travel so soon before?”

 

“I really need to get this out of the way before I’m unable to,” Bill responded after he swallowed. “It’s going to be a week and then when I get back I’ll have a week before the procedure.”

 

“Can we not call it a procedure? It sounds so cold,” Mara said quietly. She hadn’t said much all evening and Bill was frankly surprised she hadn’t tried to crawl up his ass in efforts to get closer to the baby.

 

“What do you want me to call it?”

 

“Why don’t you try calling it the birth? Words put you in the right mindset.” Mara shifted uncomfortably under her son’s gaze.

 

“I think you should call it whatever you want,” Andreas said with a shrug. “You’re the one going through it.”

 

Tom had been quiet through most of the meal; he couldn’t figure out why he thought it would be a good idea to have their family over for a meal. He had a headache to end all headaches and the Italian restaurant a couple of miles away hadn’t been able to lift him out of the growing funk. At least their dad had been able to come; he hadn’t seen the new house and Bill had fun showing it off.

When Andreas and his parents arrived everyone sat down to an uncomfortable dinner and halfway through, Tom just wanted to tell everyone to go home; but they couldn’t. They had to talk about what would happen when they got back from their trip. Everything would be rapid fire quick and a game plan needed to be made beforehand.

“Yeah.” Bill picked at his asparagus and discretely looked in Tom’s direction. He didn’t know where to start and barely had enough energy to lift his fork.

“So, do you have a crib yet?” Mara asked slowly.

“No.” Tom shook his head and caught the glance their mother gave them.

“I’m guessing the diaper station is out of the question then, huh?”

“The what?” Bill asked sheepishly.

“Oh god, you guys really haven’t done anything yet.” Jorg smiled and nodded. “Still procrastinating.”

“Well, you saw the room… it’s still empty.” Bill shrugged and took a swallow of grape juice. He wanted wine but that was out of the question, of course. That didn’t stop him from staring at Tom’s glass when he drank from it.

“How about a baby shower? It’s an easy way to get most of the things you need at one time. You can even specify what type and color of something you’d be willing to accept,” Mara said before Bill could complain.

“Oh, a baby shower! Of course; I don’t know why I didn’t think of it before!” Simone brightened considerably. “It doesn’t have to be something elaborate or anything, or pink,” she said with a laugh at Bill’s disbelieving expression. “But it is the perfect way to knock out most of it and you can register and people will get just what you want. So it’s like shopping without spending anything.”

Tom couldn’t help but smile at that. “I like that option. How about it, Bill?”

“I think I could be willing to do something like that,” Bill trailed off; already he could imagine all of the baby stores he could check out and register with. Maybe this wouldn’t be so bad after all.

“Great! See, I can have some good ideas, too.” Mara smiled as she looked quite pleased with herself. Andreas’ eyebrow rose as he stared down at his pasta, refraining from comment. “So, I think while everyone’s here, we should talk about the baby’s name.”

Tom rolled his eyes and Bill groaned from behind his glass. They both knew it couldn’t have been that far off; it would’ve been too much to think Mara would’ve given it a rest for one night. “Why? There shouldn’t be a question,” he said quickly.

“I agree, but I think our assumed choices are totally opposite,” she said with a shrug.

“I think this is something the kids should decide,” Jorg said uncomfortably. “This has nothing to do with anyone else but Bill and Andreas.”

“I beg to differ-”

“Well, Mom, that’s too bad. We’ve already decided.”

Bill and Tom’s head’s snapped up in unison. The last time Andreas made an impromptu decision it took their lives on a whole new path; they couldn’t help but be wary as he looked around the table determinedly. “And what did you decide?” Mara asked icily.

“The baby would be a Kaulitz,” Andreas said quietly.

“What?” Mara actually stood up in her chair as she threw down her napkin onto her plate. “What have you done, Andreas?”

“It’s my baby, too,” Bill reminded her sharply. “Regardless of how you think of me in this whole equation, I’m still a man.” Everyone heard the bitterness in his voice and even Mara looked a bit taken aback. “Look, I’m not sure how it’s going to play out, but I wanted the baby to have my name. End of story.”

“So we just get shoved out of the picture? Simone, Gordon, and Jorg can play the perfect grandparents to the…” Mara’s words collapsed under her tears and Frederick took her into his arms and tried to comfort her.

“We’re just worried we’ll never get to know her if we don’t fight for her,” Frederick said lowly. Andreas looked away and took a large swig of his wine. He was tired of it all and wished he hadn’t opened his mouth all those months ago; it seemed that outburst had created more problems than it solved.

Bill looked at his plate and exhaled noisily. “You’ll know your grandchild,” he said, almost inaudibly. Tom shot him a glance but he couldn’t look at him right now. If he did the truth would probably come out right then and there. “This isn’t about keeping her away or whatever. She’ll know her father’s family.”

“I hope so.” Mara sniffed and wiped her face on her napkin. “I think it’s time we went. It’s a ways home and Frederick and I have an early morning.”

Andreas winked at Bill inconspicuously and rose while the adults shook hands and promised to do this again under better circumstances. It wasn’t long before Jorg had to beg off; he had a long distance run to do and he needed to get some sleep. Simone and Gordon decided to leave at the same time and left Andreas and the twins staring at an empty table.

Tom had refilled Andreas and his glass before he sat down again while Bill sipped on water and a bit of Pepto-Bismol. He loved Italian food, but it didn’t always love him. “I’m going out to the patio. It feels stuffy in here,” he said abruptly, and Tom watched him struggle out of his chair and leave. Both he and Andreas followed the raven haired teen out and the silence remained; but this time it felt comfortable.

“Guys, I just want to apologize again,” Andreas said after a moment.

“What for?” Bill looked relieved as he swallowed more of the chalky pink liquid.

“My mother. God, we talked about her being less… less her. I don’t think it stuck.”

“She’s better than she’s been before,” Tom reminded him with a shrug. “I look at it as a good night since Bill didn’t pass out,” he teased.

“Whatever,” Bill grumbled, but smiled nonetheless. “We can’t control our parents, Andreas. Trust me, we tried.”

“Yeah, I guess.” The bleached blond was still a bit melancholy at his mother’s show during dinner. It was becoming more than embarrassing and he wanted nothing but to tell his parents and the whole world the truth. Unfortunately that time had come and gone relatively quickly. “I just think the child should be a Kaulitz. It wouldn’t sit well with me if she had my name,” he said honestly.

Tom sighed and nodded. The thought had twisted his insides up every time he thought of it and now… his daughter was definitely going to have his name. Well, his and Bill’s name but still. The thought made him smile and he looked up to see Bill nod off. “I think Bill needs to go to bed,” he said loudly to Andreas.

“I’m not a baby,” the singer mumbled as his twin and best friend laughed; he yawned and could barely keep his eyes open. “But I think I am going to head in. Goodnight Andreas,” he said with another powerful yawn. The bleached blond helped him out of his chair and he threw a wave over his shoulder before he went inside.

“So,” Andreas said, getting to the quick, “what’s up with the two of you?” He pulled out a pack of cigarettes and lit one quickly. Tom snagged a cancer stick and lit it with the lighter he still carried around in his back pocket.

“Fuck if I know. Something’s wrong and he’s not telling me,” he admitted. “And he lies about it. Tells me that nothing’s wrong but I can feel it.” He inhaled deeply and visibly relaxed with the acrid burn of smoke that escaped through his nostrils.

“And he refuses to talk about it?”

“Of course.”

Andreas shrugged. “That’s Bill, always has been. If he doesn’t like it then he doesn’t want to talk about it.”

“But we were doing so well!” Tom flicked some ash onto the stone patio and shook his head. “I feel like he slid back into what he used to do; that whole not talking thing until it gets so bad everyone can guess what it is. I’m scared of what it could be.”

“And you told Bill this?”

“Anytime I get close to trying to talk about whatever it is he just… clams up or worse; it starts an argument and I have not been in the mood to argue lately.”

“Something’s gotta give,” Andreas said on an exhalation of smoke. “He seems on edge. Is it just the C section or something else?”

“It’s probably everything. We haven’t picked out a name; we haven’t gotten any baby stuff, the nursery hasn’t had any work on it. it looks like a white prison. That’s just the most pressing shit. Then you’ve got the fact that we don’t know what the hell we’re doing,” Tom groaned. “And we’re supposed to be parents? We can’t even cook!”

“Then get a housekeeper,” Andreas said calmly.

“I tried to talk to bill about that too, but he just kind of shot it down. He said we’d talk about it later. We haven’t,” Tom added. “He’s made me feel bad for being excited about Baby Blob.”

“Dude, no.”

“No Baby Blob?”

“No Baby Blob.” Andreas laughed as he flicked some ash onto the patio. “You’re going to have to sweep so Bill doesn’t know you’re smoking.”

“I think Bill expected me to light up as soon as he left. God, why is it so hard to give this shit up?” Tom looked up at the sky and sighed. “I don’t want to smoke when my daughter gets here.”

“Then it sounds like you should put the cigarette out.” Andreas crushed his beneath the heel of his Converse and reached across the table and took the guitarist’s dwindling cigarette and put it out too. “I think I’m going to go. It’s a trip back and the wine I drank is going to make for a very nice sedative when I finally climb into bed.”

“Are you okay to drive? I don’t want you in an accident. Bill would be so sad.” Tom smirked.

“Yeah, I’m sure you’ll comfort each other. No, I’m good. If I wasn’t I’d stay the night,” Andreas reassured him as he stood up and stretched. “Thanks for dinner, no matter how awkward and quiet it was. Nothing like tense silence to aid the digestion.”

“Tell me about it. Thanks again, seriously,” Tom said as he walked around the table and punched his best friend in the arm.

“I think I had a flashback,” Andreas joked and froze. Both teens looked a tad uncomfortable until Tom exhaled noisily and shrugged. If you couldn’t laugh about an ass kicking from your best friend with your best friend, then who?

“Such an ass,” he said jokingly. Andreas relaxed and Tom walked the teen to the front door. “If you feel tired and you’re closer to us than home you better come on back, okay?”

“Yes, Mom.”

“Don’t do that,” Tom teased as he shuddered dramatically. “I don’t think either of us would like that.”

“True.” Andreas opened the door and sighed. “Look, you and I both know how Bill likes to clam up. Don’t let him. You’re one of the only people who can get him to open up. I think he’s scared. I would be if I were him.”

“Yeah, now go before I make you take the guest bedroom.”

“Alright, I’m gone.” Andreas pushed him in the shoulder and left without another look back. Tom watched until he couldn’t see the red car anymore and walked back in and locked the doors. He checked all the locks and turned on the security system before he trudged upstairs. When he walked into their room, Bill was curled on his side and faced away. He had one of the millions of pillows on the bed between his legs and even from the edge of the bed Tom could see his twin was hot.

He looked at the thermostat and turned it down a bit more; Tom didn’t mind being a little cold when he was asleep, it made burrowing under the covers that much better. Bill was actually on top of the covers and still looked uncomfortable. Tom stripped and debated on a shower but sleep called and he wasn’t about to fight it.

~*~

Tom woke up and looked around. It was fairly chilly and he shivered as his eyes adjusted to the darkness. He looked over to see that he was alone in the bed and sat up with a yawn. There was no light underneath the door of the bathroom so Bill wasn’t in there. He probably went downstairs for a midnight snack; sometimes he had a problem getting back to sleep right away and became hungry during the wait. Tom grumbled and burrowed into the covers and went back to sleep.

What felt like mere seconds later, Tom opened his eyes and realized he was still alone. Blearily he raised himself onto his elbows and glanced at the clock on the nightstand. It was almost three in the morning. He yawned and fell back onto the bed, steadily dragged back to the land of the awake. With a sigh he stretched and forced himself out of the bed and onto his feet.

He pulled on a tee shirt and thunked down the stairs in mid yawn; Bill wasn’t in the living room. Tom checked the kitchen and found evidence of his brother, but still no sight of him. He threw away the empty cartons of what used to be leftovers and wiped his hands on his boxers as he looked around. He wouldn’t be in the guest bedrooms or-

Tom stopped in mid thought as he heard splashes. He opened the sliding glass door and stepped onto the patio. There was a pleasant breeze that hadn’t been around earlier that night. Tom bent down and picked up what looked like the shirt Bill wore to bed that night. He continued over to the pool and found his brother’s boxers and was suddenly angry. Bill was in the pool and was treading water with his back to Tom. “Bill,” he said quickly.

Bill squeaked and jerked around, going underwater briefly before he doggie paddled over to the edge where Tom stood. “Hey, I didn’t know you were up,” he said as he spat out some water.

“Bill, I wasn’t! You can’t be out here by yourself. What if something had happened? I was upstairs asleep! I wouldn’t have heard you and then… you could’ve… Why didn’t you think?” Tom screeched. He shook with the possible and horrible scenarios; an image of Bill facedown in the pool found earlier in the morning choked him and he had to sit down on the edge of the pool or he would’ve taken a header into the pool himself.

“I swim just fine, Tom. You know that.”

“Bullshit, Bill. It’s not just about you now.” Tom rubbed his temples and leaned forward onto his knees. “I was so worried. You weren’t there when I woke up.”

“I couldn’t sleep anymore. My back hurt really badly and the pool was the only thing I could think of.” Bill moved further into the pool and began to float on his back. Tom swallowed as he realized Bill swam sans suit. The moon shone down on the shiny and stretched skin of his stomach and he couldn’t take his eyes off of Bill’s breasts. He toyed with his lip ring and shifted his position.

“How long are you going to be in there?” Tom finally asked; the query came out more irritated than he’d anticipated and was surprised when Bill didn’t argue back.

“Do you want me to come out now?”

“Is your back still hurting?”

“Yes.”

“Then… no.” Tom scooted closer to the edge and let his legs dangle in the water. “Just wake me up when you need to swim. I don’t want you out here alone anymore.”

“Okay.” Bill nodded and dipped below the water briefly before he bobbed back to the surface. “I just couldn’t get comfortable and it was hot.”

“I turned the thermostat almost all the way down. How could you’ve been hot?” Tom asked disbelievingly.

“I’m almost always hot, I couldn’t ignore it anymore though and I didn’t want a shower.” Tom nodded and watched his little brother swim around a bit before Bill broke the silence again. “Will you come in too?”

“What? I don’t know, I don’t really feel like a swim,” Tom said as he lifted one leg and rested his head on his knee. “And I don’t want to have to deal with wet locks tomorrow.”

“I’ll deal with them. I’ll scratch your scalp, wax and twist your locks for you if you come in with me.”

Tom blinked. Bill was trying to be sweet. Stephen had told him to recognize an olive branch when one was extended. He bit his lip and stood up before he changed his mind; his tee shirt and boxers joined Bill’s on the concrete and he dove in. The pleasantly cool water slid over his body and Tom had to admit that it felt really good. He came up to the surface and found Bill smiling at him. “What?” he asked after he spat out a bit of water.

“I didn’t want to be alone, and I’m glad you’re here.”

Tom sighed. “Bill, you’ve been giving me signals to the contrary lately. Every time I try and help, you push me away or we end up arguing.” He dunked under the water again and closed his eyes against the sensation of water filling the pockets of air in his hair. It made his scalp tingle and Tom came back up for air in time to see Bill wipe his eyes. “Don’t cry, Bill. I don’t want you to cry.”

“That seems to be the only thing I can do right lately,” Bill said mournfully. “I feel like a sad sack of selfish shit.”

“You’re such a writer.” Tom rolled his eyes and swam up to Bill. “Leave it to you for alliteration when you’re upset.” Bill laughed a little and let Tom take him into the middle of the pool. He held on and Tom began to tread for the both of them. “Why do you feel like that?”

“A lot of reasons.” Bill rested his head on his shoulder and Tom let his hands run up and down his twin’s side. He never could be this close to Bill without needing to touch him.

“Like what?” the dreadlocked teen whispered in his ear.

“I know you don’t want me to go on this trip.”

“No, I don’t,” Tom agreed.

“But I want to go. I think I want to get out of Germany for a while.”

“I guess I can’t blame you,” Tom said carefully.

“So you’ll let me go alone?”

“No.” He shook his head for emphasis. That was totally out of the question. Bill just sighed and pulled Tom closer to him when he began to knead his sore lower back. “I’m sorry, I can’t.” Bill didn’t say anything else as they drifted in the water and Tom tightened his grip on his twin. “I worry about you all the time; I’d feel better if I came with you.”

“I don’t want you to worry about me.”

“Kind of hard; I think about you all the time.”

“All the time?” Bill smiled slightly as he closed his eyes and rested his chin on Tom’s shoulder.

“Yep, all the time,” Tom whispered as they drifted. “You know this is the first time I’ve been in the pool since we’ve moved in?”

“Same here; what was the point of getting a pool if we were never going to use it?”

“Because it looked good; and besides, we’re using it now.” Tom rubbed his cheek against Bill’s and relaxed against the gentle movement of the water. His hand slid down his twin’s back and brushed against the top of Bill’s ass. “What made you decide to skinny dip?” he asked huskily as he became aware yet again that Bill was naked and in his arms.

“Didn’t have a…suit,” Bill whispered in his ear and Tom couldn’t help but shiver. “Tomi?”

“Hmm?”

“You’ll love me forever, right?” he asked as he wrapped his arms around Tom’s neck tighter. Suddenly he couldn’t get close enough and he began to panic briefly.

“What’s wrong, Bill?” Tom was alarmed, he could feel his brother’s erratic heartbeat through the hand on Bill’s back.

“I just need to know that you’ll love me no matter what, even if it’s not easy.”

“Bill, I’m not with you because it’s easy. I’m with you because I think what we have is worth more than whatever is trying to pull us apart. What’s wrong?” Bill shook his head and hid his face in the crook of Tom’s neck. “Look, I know you’re holding something from me. I know that already; why don’t you just tell me so we can fix it together? I’m tired of trying to figure out what’s gone wrong. By the time I find out it’s been blown so far out of proportion and we’re at each other’s throats. So what’s wrong?”

Bill sniffed and took a deep breath. “You know the C section?”

“…Yeah…”

“Well, I don’t have to have it at seven months. I can have it at closer to nine. Robert said it will give her a better survival chance.”

Tom didn’t say anything for a few moments and Bill briefly wondered if Tom was going to push him away, but then he spoke. “So… why did he say almost all of his patients get the operation in their seventh month?”

“Because they’re not as healthy as I am, apparently; they have a lot of problems and the baby has to come out as soon as possible. But he said I’m doing really well.” Bill whispered the last part. He felt no pride in the statement; quite the contrary, he felt ill. Was he meant to be pregnant? The thought made him sick and angry.

“So you didn’t tell me because you thought I would want you to carry her to term? I won’t lie, Bill, the stuff I read about makes me really worried, but I’m more worried about you. You’re here right now and I don’t want you to be uncomfortable and in pain. You just don’t know how much I’m thankful that you actually carried her this long.”

“Really?” Bill felt tears on his cheeks as he released the tense feeling. “You don’t know how that makes me feel…”

“You would’ve heard it earlier if you had just told me. I don’t get why you stopped talking to me.”

“I don’t know.”

“But we’ve always been able to talk to each other.”

“I think it changed when I stopped feeling like your brother and more like your woman.”

Tom blinked and lifted Bill’s chin so he could look into his eyes. “Bill, I don’t want to lose you as a brother. The guy who teased me about stupid shit and whined when he wanted attention. I don’t want to lose that.”

Bill didn’t answer, he just leaned forward and kissed Tom; he needed the physical reassurance from his older brother. Kisses had always held a special position in their relationship; call it narcissism if you must but both adored the other’s lips. Bill ran his thumb along his twin’s full bottom lip before he leaned in again for another kiss. Tom opened his mouth and allowed his questing tongue entry. The tongue stud left a slightly warm and metallic trail wherever it landed and Tom shivered as Bill moaned softly into his mouth.

When they broke apart Bill’s eyes were dark in the blue glow of the underwater lights and he took Tom’s hands and put them directly on his breasts. Tom couldn’t hold back the moan as he squeezed gently and felt the hard nipples beneath his palms. His hands ghosted down Bill’s abdomen and to his hips; Tom gripped them as tight as he dared as he pulled Bill towards shallow water. “Come on,” he gritted as he just barely managed to keep his composure.

“Where are we going?” Bill had wrapped his legs around Tom’s waist as he floated on his back and could feel his twin’s hot erection on the sensitive underside of his belly. He idly reached down and awkwardly closed his fingers around his brother’s cock; he could feel it throb in his fist. Tom’s hips jerked and he swore as Bill dipped beneath the water briefly. “Someone’s excited,” he said with a laugh after he spat out the water.

“Shit, don’t do that again.” Tom’s voice belied his words as he supported Bill with his arms around his waist. “I’m taking you upstairs and I’m going to fuck you.”

Bill looked at him seriously for a moment before he sat up as best he could and cupped Tom’s face. “Why not do me right here?” he asked quietly, and Tom stopped moving. Luckily they’d already made it to the shallow end, so Tom was able to pull Bill up further without losing purchase. He kissed Bill hard and with fervor that surprised even him.  

“Are you sure?”

“Very,” Bill said without hesitation, “just stick it in.”

“Bill-”

“Just do it,” he said desperately before he pulled Tom down for another kiss. The guitarist maneuvered them over to the wall of the pool and stroked Bill’s cock before he swiped his thumb across the slit. It felt wet even under water, a different type of liquid and the mere thought made his dick twitch. The shallow end of their pool had lights on the bottom, and Tom looked down to see they stood right over one. It illuminated the curve of Bill’s stomach and his own angry erection. Bill braced himself against the wall and angled his hips around Tom’s waist.

“Are you sure you’re comfortable?”

“No, I have a hard on that feels like it’s going to explode if you don’t do something. Please, Tomi,” Bill panted as he rocked his hips against his groin. Tom bit his lip to keep from yelling and pushed a finger into Bill’s tight hole. The warmth inside made his knees want to buckle and he quickly added another digit to press that spot within that he knew drove Bill crazy.

True to form Bill arched his back and Tom leaned forward to lick at the hard nipples on his breasts. Tom’s cock twitched uncontrollably and he knew he wouldn’t last long so he pumped his hand in and out of his twin until Bill practically begged him for his cock. Tom couldn’t help but smile; he’d missed this, hearing Bill beg for his dick.

He pulled his fingers out and his little brother cried out at the empty feeling afterwards but sobbed in relief as Tom filled him with his cock. The rhythm was tricky; the only tempo that worked was slow. Tom had Bill trapped as he rocked into the raven haired teen against the wall. The friction was shallow and delicious as Tom cushioned Bill’s hips and grinded into him desperately.

Tom had a handful of Bill’s tits in one hand and hips in the other as he desperately clung to him around his neck. “Oh shit,” Bill breathed as he rotated his hips. Tom hit that spot inside of him and he spasmed unexpectedly. The guitarist bit his lip as he pumped; he didn’t want to come before Bill did. He angled his hips again and grinned smugly as Bill jerked and swore again. Tom could feel the tingle spread down from his scalp to his toes and his hips missed the rhythm as his orgasm began to build. “Are you close?” Bill asked him, words barely cutting through the haze of delirious pleasure.

“Yeah, you?” Tom asked with great effort. Bill moaned and nodded, clutched Tom’s shoulders with his nails and pulled him down for another kiss. Tom reached beneath Bill’s stomach and began to fist his cock in earnest. Bill shook and with a shudder Tom could feel warm liquid on his hand before it ribboned away. He groaned and with one last thrust came hard inside of his brother.

Bill collapsed with his head on Tom’s shoulder and practically purred as he rubbed his cheek on Tom’s neck and shoulder. “That was awesome,” he said slowly.

“Yeah; we’re going to have to have the pool cleaned now,” Tom laughed and kissed Bill quickly. “Talk to me before you try and push me away, okay?”

“Yeah. I’ll try to remember that.” Bill yawned and shivered. “Let’s go in. I think I’m ready to go to sleep now.”

“Good.” Tom kissed him again and hoped that they’d managed to avoid the catastrophe that brewed between them.

Tom carried Bill out of the pool and didn’t let go until he tucked him in right beside him.

 

 

 

 

 

Chapter End Notes:

Thank you, Darcy, for the wonderful beta

Author's Chapter Notes:

Yes, yes it is.

 “I mean, I have thought about it before,” Bill said defensively as he stirred his ice tea. It was peppermint and the glass was cool to the touch. He’d thought about a nice icy beverage all day.

“So, tell me.” Tom tapped his fingers against the table impatiently as he tried to remain calm. “Fuck, where’s the food?”

“Calm down, this isn’t McDonalds.” The raven haired teen licked his spoon and swallowed down some of the tea.

“But I’m hungry.”

“Yeah, I know. You complained all the way over.”

“Don’t change the subject, tell me.” Tom smiled from across the table. Both twins looked up as someone stopped next to them and practically shoved a pen and piece of paper onto their drinks. When they’d sent the fan away happy Tom turned back to his brother and grinned again.

“But this is purely hypothetical; unless you’re trying to tell me something.” A flash of panic passed through Bill’s eyes and Tom glared at him and shook his head.

“Bill, don’t be dumb. That would be a stupid way to break up,” he admonished.

“Well, I mean…” Bill trailed off uneasily and shrugged. “Yeah, I wanted a wife. I even had my wedding kinda picked out.”

“That’s so gay.” Tom shook his head and took a drink from his own tea.

“Oh, like you don’t? You even have the bridesmaid’s dresses down and I-”

“Okay, Bill. I get it.” Tom’s face flamed bright red as he tugged his cap down lower on his forehead. “So, answer the question.”

“No, I don’t want kids.”

Before Tom could respond a wail pierced the calm of the restaurant and the twins turned to see a small brown haired boy beat the floor with his fists. The hapless parents stood by and tried to plead with the child to get up and come back to the table. Eventually everyone watched the drama unfold as a manager came over and tried to talk to the parents.

“And that’s fucking why,” Bill said resolutely as the child was picked up by the father and the family exited the restaurant quickly. “I don’t want my child to embarrass the shit out of me in public.”

“That’s why you beat the hell out of them,” Tom replied nonchalantly.

“Can’t do that in public.”

“If you do it enough at home then you don’t have to do it in public. The kid will know better.”  Tom nodded and smiled up at the waitress as she delivered their food. After first bites commenced and food had been swapped, Tom finished. “I wanted a couple of kids. Nothing crazy,” he added after Bill looked up at him as if he were crazy. “Just two or maybe three. I think I could’ve been a good dad. Dad didn’t do too bad and neither did Gordon.”

“So wise beyond your years, all seventeen of them.” Bill rolled his eyes and dug into the chicken marinara. “I’d settle on being the cool uncle then.” The vocalist looked down at his phone beside the plate and groaned. A text from David. They were needed back at the studio. “Come on, we’ve got to get this to go.”

~*~

Tom stuck his fingers up underneath his headband and rubbed his forehead while he frowned. “I think I’ve always wanted kids.”

“This was before you and Bill began a relationship?”

The guitarist nodded. “Yes. After we got serious I kind of let those ideas go. We talked about it every once in a while but it was a moot point, you know?”

~~

“Or so I thought.” Bill rolled his eyes and rubbed his stomach. “And here we are.”

“So how does that make you feel?”

“I feel like I didn’t get a choice.”

~~

“I worry about that. I look back and wonder if I was really sane when I asked… no begged,  Bill not to abort our baby.” Tom shook a little as he stared down at his knees. “I try not to think about it but since last night it’s all I can think of.”

Stephen looked up from his pad and nodded. “I am very glad the two of you talked about that. It’s something serious that should be discussed with the utmost sensitivity and understanding.  Do you think it went that way?”

Tom shook his head. “No.”

~~

“Yes. I was so proud of Tom.” Bill nodded and breathed a sigh of relief. “I haven’t felt this light since before I put on the baby weight.” He surprised himself with the joke; the topic of the spread of his ass was definitely off limits and he just cracked a joke about it.

~~

“Honestly I don’t want Bill pregnant any longer than he has to be.”

“I hear a massive but coming on.” Stephen grinned. “I’m glad Bill wasn’t around to hear that.”

Tom snorted and quickly sobered. “There is a part of me that wants Bill to suck it up so we can make sure she’s okay before she comes out; so she can be perfect.”

“How big is this part of you?”

“About half,” Tom admitted.

“That’s… a big part.”

~~

“I know. Sometimes I can go whole hours and not think about it. Then she’ll kick and I have to remember what I’m going to do. I’m stuck between scared and disgusted that I’m pregnant and scared for her to come! There’s no middle ground.”

“Very rarely do the bigger issues have a middle ground. Either it is or it isn’t.”

“Yeah. I don’t want to talk about this anymore.” Bill crossed his arms and groaned.

“So what do you want to talk about?”

~~

“He wanted to go by himself!” Tom huffed indignantly and shook his head. “Can you believe it?”

“…Yes.”

“Not you too, don’t try and tell me you agree with Bill.” Tom glared at the therapist until the older man held up his hands in mock surrender.

“I didn’t say I agreed with it, I just said I can believe it.”

“Oh… yeah.” Tom rubbed his eyes and sighed.

~~

“I don’t see what’s wrong with it,” Bill said  dejectedly. “I wanted some time to myself before I won’t be able to do anything on my own.”

“What do you mean?”

“When she comes it will be baby twenty four seven.”

“And you’re not happy with that.”

“Would you be?”

“… I know the transition after birth will be very difficult, but I would like to think it’s worth it.”

“I’m not too sure about that,” Bill muttered as he reached into his bag and pulled out a candy bar.

~~

“I am. I can’t wait to meet her. I just…” Tom shrugged and exhaled noisily. “I just wish I could share this excitement with someone other than you.”

“Are you too good for me now?”

Tom burst out laughing at the ridiculous question and made a face. “I mean, I would like to be able to excited with Bill. We’re going to have a baby! I want to smile at odd times and squeal in the privacy of my own home where no one can hear me. But I can’t.”

“Why not?” Stephen looked up from his notes and frowned. “Does Bill not let you be happy about the baby?”

“He hasn’t said anything per se, but I feel like I’m a traitor because I’m excited. I can’t help it if I think it’s awesome that the one person I love more than myself is going to have my child. True, the timing sucks and Bill’s a guy… but…” Tom shrugged. “I like to look on the bright side, at least sometimes.”

~~

“I don’t want him to feel like that.”

“But what can you expect when you make him uncomfortable when he brings up the baby?”

“Why are you trying to make me reasonable?” Bill asked irritably.

“Because someone has to do it.”

~~

“I agree! I agree.” Tom nodded vehemently. “But our mothers?”

“They have been pregnant before; they’ll know where to get most of the things on the checklist, if not all.”

“So you think it’s a good idea?” Tom asked warily.

~~

“Maybe, I don’t know. We’ll see, won’t we?” Bill made a face and fished around his bag for something else to eat. He bypassed the apple that sat on the bottom of his purse and reached for a half eaten bag of gummy worms.

“More than likely, yes. So Andreas’ mother and your mother are going to plan it?”

“No, our mom said she knew someone who was a planner. I’m going to meet her after the trip.”

“That will be cutting it close; when do you guys leave?” Stephen asked.

“We leave in two days.”

“Are you nervous?”

~~

“Worried is more like it.” Tom fiddled with a lock on his shoulder. “I want Bill to have a good time before the baby comes, I can see he needs it. I just hope his health stands up. He can’t take stress well but on a good day our jobs are merely stressful.”

“I see. And you’ve told Bill this?”

“Somewhat. Yes. I’ve told him I’m concerned.”

“Then you’ll have to trust Bill. He knows his body and we both know he won’t put himself or the child in danger.”

Tom nodded hesitantly and looked away. He knew that.

Didn’t he?

The pit of his stomach said no and that made him a little sick.

~*~

Bill opened his eyes and looked around, wiping the drool surreptitiously from his mouth as he blinked and sat up. He’d fallen asleep on the couch in the living room after putting up the last of their stuff that belonged in there. He yawned and the doorbell rang again. That must have been what woke him from such a wonderful nap.

He looked through the glass and smiled as he opened the door. “Molly, hi!” he said as she attempted to give him a hug. With both of their bellies it was an amusing challenge and when they parted Bill looked down at Rhiannon with a smile. “Hi, Rhiannon.”

“Hi Mister Bill. My mommy said she wanted to see if you wanted to eat lunch. I told her you had a baby in your stomach too so you’re always hungry.”

Molly blushed and rolled her eyes. “I swear, I don’t know where she gets half that stuff from,” she mumbled.

“Come on in, please.” Bill moved aside and let the two ladies in. “What’s in the bag?” he asked as he pointed to the large paper bag Molly clutched to her side.

“Oh, food from one of my favorite restaurants; do you like Indian?” the redhead asked as she rubbed her stomach happily.

Bill couldn’t help but smile and shrugged. “I’ve had some good and some bad.”

“Are you up for some now?”

Bill looked down at his stomach as it growled. “I think she just answered for me,” he said ruefully.

~*~

“I love Oprah!” Molly breathed as she tore off a large piece of Non bread. “And Graham Norton too, of course, I think it’s required; being from Ireland and all.”

Bill smiled and pulled apart his fourth samosa in as many minutes. He reached for the pear chutney and smiled as Rhiannon looked blissful with her half a samosa in one hand and the fried cauliflower still on her plate. “I’m really excited, and I can’t wait to go.”

“But you’re cutting it close, aren’t you?”

Bill’s jaw tightened and shrugged. “I won’t have the chance to do it afterwards.”

“True. Are you excited about the C Section?”

He shrugged and reached for more curried lamb. “I wish people would stop asking me that,” Bill snapped. Molly looked taken aback and even Rhiannon stopped eating to stare at him with wide eyes. “I’m sorry, I really am. I don’t know what’s wrong with me lately.” Bill put his fork down and leaned back in his chair. “I’ve got all this stuff swirling around and I don’t know how to articulate it. Which is really ironic because I write songs.”

“Pregnancy brings out the best and the worst in people; that’s not including the people who are actually pregnant.” Molly wiped her mouth and frowned at her daughter. “You’re just picking with your food, are you done?”

“I’m full.” Rhiannon patted her stomach and burped; both she and Bill laughed.

“Oh, that’s lovely.” Molly rolled her eyes and looked to Bill. “Would you mind if she watched some television in the living room while we finished our conversation? I’m going to say some things I don’t want her to hear.”

“That’s fine. Do you need me to set it up? We have satellite.”

“We have the same service, I’ll turn to some cartoons.”

“I wanna hear you two talk, I’m five! I’m a big girl! Daddy said so!” the tyke proclaimed proudly.

“Well, if Daddy says then it must be true. Up!” The redhead rose awkwardly and beckoned her daughter forward. “We’re going to get you clean and then we’ll see if Spongebob is on. How’s that sound?”

“Spongebob Squarepants!” Rhiannon bellowed as she skipped next to her mother. Bill couldn’t help but smile as he turned back to his chicken tandori and mixed it with the lamb. He’d cleaned off most of his plate by the time Molly returned, sans Rhiannon.

“Oi, she’s so inquisitive. I can’t say anything around her without her repeating back to her father or worse, her grandmother.” Molly plopped back into her chair and picked up her fork. “You seem… kinda depressed, if you don’t mind me saying.”

Bill blinked. No one ever came right out and said it to his face. They asked if he was okay, if they could get something for him… but no one said what was evident in their eyes. They were concerned for his mental health. “I think I am,” he admitted quietly.

“Figured. I can’t begin to imagine what you’re going through, so I’m not going to pretend. Have you thought about getting some professional help? Like a therapist?”

“I have a therapist. He’s good and I think I’d be somewhere rocking in a corner without him. I just… I feel like I’m slowly being smothered.” Bill burped and made a face as he reached for the ever handy Pepto Bismol. After a swallow he made another face and continued. “I feel pulled in so many directions and I’m unsure about everything. So I’m going to go do the one thing I know I know how to do and forget about everything else for right now.”

Molly nodded and pulled another samosa over to her plate and bit into it thoughtfully. “I’m glad you have a therapist. What does he say about your feelings?”

Bill shrugs. “Lots of stuff. But its not helping now. When I get back I’ll have two weeks, only two weeks to get everything ready. I’m not ready to be a parent. I didn’t even want kids.”

Molly laughed and nodded. “I adore Rhiannon, I really do… but I hadn’t planned to have kids until I was in my thirties. I had so much to do and I just wanted it to be Greg and I for a while, you know?”

“Yeah, I know,” Bill said glumly.

“But then I started throwing up and passing out; the doctor says ‘surprise, you’re pregnant.’ I think I hit him because I was due in court that afternoon. How could I concentrate on my clients after I’ve been told I’m pregnant? Even though I was on the pill,” Molly added.

“So you weren’t excited?” Bill looked up in relief. “Everyone keeps asking me if I’m excited. I want to scream at the top of my lungs, no, I’m not, but then I’d get weird looks.”

“I’m pretty sure I cried every day up until the fifth month of my pregnancy.” Molly snorted and swallowed some mango juice. “I think Greg was concerned for my safety. He treated me like fine blown glass… but I think that made it worse. I wanted things to go back to normal so badly that I just tried to shut out reality.”

Bill sighed. He could relate. “So, were you ever excited about Rhiannon?”

“Don’t tell anyone, but no. I wasn’t. Not until I held her in my arms and I realized that I had to suck it up. This child didn’t ask to be conceived; it wasn’t her fault.” Molly rubbed her stomach and looked towards the hall fondly. “It took a while, but I warmed up to the idea of being a Mom.”

“Then you decided that Rhiannon needed a brother?”

“No. I wanted to go back to work, but Greg and I agreed; when I started to have kids we’d have at least two, close together so they could grow up close. I was the youngest of four and my brother before me was twelve years older. I grew up practically an only child. Greg and his brother were about a year apart and had each other to play with. We wanted that for our children.”

“So you waited five years?”

“No, God decided to do that for us. I had two miscarriages, one in the third month and one in the sixth month. I didn’t think I wanted to try again and I was a wreck. Greg and I stopped talking to each other, stopped having sex… we just became roommates with a child running around the house. For some reason he decided I was worth fighting for and we went to a counselor and worked it out. We decided that Rhiannon might be an only child, and that was okay.” Molly laughed. “As soon as we were okay, I found out I was pregnant. Instead of working like I did before, I went on maternity leave and told myself that I’m not going to stress.”

“And that worked?” Bill asked incredulously.

“Have you met my daughter?” Molly scoffed. “No, but I had to divide stress into two categories. What’s necessary and unavoidable, and what’s bullshit that can be dealt with later, if at all.”

“Just that simple, huh?”

Molly nodded slowly. “It has to be or you’ll go crazy,” she said softly.

~*~

Tom looked up as Bill walked into the room with a moan. He put his guitar down on the couch and stood. “What’s wrong?” he asked as his twin stepped into his arms and held him tight. “Did you have a bad dream?”

“Yeah, sorta. I’m having indigestion again and I can’t find the fucking Pepto, and your daughter won’t stop moving so I can get some sleep.” Bill moaned and rubbed his face on Tom’s shoulder. “I want to go to sleep,” he whispered.

The dreadlocked teen sighed and rubbed Bill’s back in soothing circles. “It’s going to be okay. Where did you leave that horrible pink shit last?”

Bill poked him in the stomach and sighed. “I don’t remember,“ he mumbled. “I think down here somewhere.”

Tom nodded and glanced around the room. The telltale bottle wasn’t visible and there weren’t many places it could hide. “Sit, I’m going to go look in the kitchen, okay?” He didn’t wait for a response as he helped Bill sit and dashed into the kitchen. He didn’t see it on the counters or on the table and just as Tom was about to return to Bill to offer to go out and get some, he had an idea. He opened the refrigerator and found the bottle on the top shelf. Tom sighed and laughed quietly as he went back to his twin, who currently had his legs tucked beneath him as he rubbed his stomach. “Ta dah, don’t say I’ve never given you anything.”

Bill snatched the bottle eagerly and swallowed two large gulps; he sighed as the thick liquid coated on the way down and eased his discomfort until it was gone. He practically sagged under the relief and climbed into Tom’s lap as he settled in next to him on the couch. “What are you working on?” Bill asked quietly as he saw the sheet music and battered acoustic on the cushion not currently occupied.

“Getting some ideas down. Nothing specific. Dave said Pat and Peter are going to be ready to lay the primary instrumentals down soon. I’m surprised they’re moving so quickly; it’s not like we can tour if they put the album out right away.” Tom moved Bill until he was in a better position on his lap and scratched at his locks. He felt hot and itchy all that day, but the sensation was beginning to dull as Bill curled around him. “Baby still moving?” he asked as he watched his twin rub his stomach gingerly.

“Yes,” Bill said quietly. “But it’s not as bad when you’re nearby.”

Tom smiled and placed his hand on Bill’s stomach; the raven haired teen removed his hand immediately and curled it in a few locks that sat on Tom’s shoulder. He smiled against Bill’s temple and rubbed gently; Tom could actually feel their daughter move around inside the tight skin of Bill’s abdomen. No wonder he couldn’t sleep; if he didn’t know any better he would say she was in there jamming to Samy Deluxe. Slowly the movement began to still beneath his hand as he rubbed away the tension from activity.

“Tomi Tomi Tomi Tomi,” Bill whispered as he held his brother closer.

“No more Indian?”

“No more Indian,” he repeated and moaned softly. Tom stretched out around his twin and smiled, closing his eyes as well. He’d almost drifted to sleep when he felt something very warm on his lap.

“…Sorry,” Bill whispered.

Tom resisted the urge to gag at the horrific gas burning through his shorts.

~*~

Bill looked up and smiled as Tom brought in another suitcase. “We haven’t had to do this in a while,” he said as he folded a few tee shirts and placed them neatly in the luggage.

His twin grunted and opened the bag; inside was his extensive cap collection. Tom pulled out a choice few and placed them on the bed. “I know. I think I’ve forgotten how to pack.” He pushed some of his locks off of his shoulder and zipped the luggage up again. “That should be almost everything, right?”

“Yeah, seems like it. You packed your nicotine gum?”

Tom stopped and looked up at Bill. The question was asked very nonchalantly, but he still felt put on the spot. Tom looked away and sighed. “No.”

“You’ve stopped trying, haven’t you? You just don’t smoke in the house.” Bill looked at him and sighed. “It’s important to me that you quit. I don’t want you to get cancer.”

“I’m not going to get cancer,” Tom scoffed as he rose and dragged his hat bag on its small wheels towards the door.

“You don’t know that.”

“You don’t know that I will.”

Bill tucked his hair behind his ear and nodded, slamming the suitcase closed. “You promised.”

“It’s just harder than I thought it would be.”

“I did it,” Bill pointed out quickly.

“That’s because you had that stupid patch!” Tom retorted without a thought. Bill looked back at him impassively before he walked around him and out the door.

“Shit.” Tom pinched the bridge of his nose and groaned. He counted to ten before he chased after his twin; Bill had only made it halfway down the stairs before Tom caught up with him. “Look, Bill, I’m sorry. That was out of line.”

“Why are you even apologizing?” Bill asked bitterly as he made it to the first floor. He was hungry and the thought of the rest of the cheesecake in the refrigerator made the baby do happy little flips. “Quitting smoking was easy with the patch; I’m not going to pretend it wasn’t. But I think I’m paying the price now, don’t you think?” He walked around Tom and went into the kitchen. “You’d be upset with me if I started drinking again or took up smoking. I’m not the only parent in this equation, Tom. What if something happens to you because you smoked?” Bill opened the refrigerator and pulled out the dessert with a brief smile.

Tom watched his brother stick his finger directly into the filling of the pie and pull out a large dollop before he stuck it in his mouth. “Don’t you want a fork?”

“I want you to stop smoking.”

“I said I’d do it. It’s just taking me longer than I thought.”

Bill scooped a bit more of the cheesecake into his mouth via his finger and regarded his twin inscrutably. “Why don’t you get a patch then? They all don’t cause male pregnancy.” Tom rubbed the back of his neck and squirmed. “You don’t want to do it, do you?”

“Of course not. But I will, if I have to.”

“You do,” Bill said firmly. “And you’d better.”

“That’s not helping, Bill,” Tom snapped irritably. His twin just shrugged.

“Not really caring right about now. You blew smoke in my face every chance you got in the beginning. Do you remember that?”

“Argh!” Tom tightened his fists and stalked off towards the stairs. Bill watched him leave and shrugged. He didn’t feel like trying to be comforting and encouraging. The raven haired teen looked down at his belly and shrugged.

“That’s your father.”

~*~

“You’ve got to be fucking kidding me.” Bill looked over at Tom incredulously. “Do you really think I’m going to cancel now? The trip is two days away!”

Tom scratched his neck absently and kept his eyes on the road. “I don’t want you going alone.”

“I won’t be alone.” Bill turned back towards his window and glared at the night. “Saki will be there, David will be there. Not to mention the nurse that Robert is making me bring. How is that alone?”

“I’m not there.” Tom itched for a cigarette from the pack in his glove compartment; he knew if he reached for it he probably wouldn’t get his hand back. He gripped the steering wheel harder and turned down a familiar street. They were almost home.

“I’m sorry, Tom. You can’t always be there.”

“Fuck you, Bill. I wouldn’t have to be if I thought you gave a shit about our baby.” Tom’s eyes widened as he realized what he’d said. The air in the cabin dropped by a few degrees and Tom couldn’t bring himself to look over and see what Bill’s reaction was. He sagged in the driver’s seat and gratefully turned the corner onto their street.

The ride was horribly quiet even as they pulled into the driveway. Tom released the wheel reluctantly and turned the ignition off. “Bill-”

“Oh, fuck off,” Bill snorted and wrestled with the seatbelt before it would release him. Tom watched with a growing headache as his twin gathered his leftover McDonalds and climbed out of the car. Bill slammed the door behind him and practically stomped to the house.

“Great… just great…” Tom shook his head and reached for the glove compartment. It dropped open and he found the half consumed pack and quickly lit a cigarette up. He didn’t even bother to open the window; he knew Bill would be pissed, but so what? Just add it to the list of other things that pissed Bill off and he’d be just fine. After a few minutes Tom felt his nerves calm to the point where he wouldn’t scream at Bill. Maybe his little brother would listen to him now.

Maybe.

He got out of the car and set the alarm before he ran inside. Tom jogged up to the second floor and went into their room. Bill’s clothes were strewn on the bed, and he could hear the shower in the bathroom. Good. Maybe that was all they needed. The band meeting in Hamburg had taken its toll on the both of them; it didn’t help that the trip there and back and been uncomfortable for Bill . They were at each others throats and snipping at each other for no reason.

Which was why it didn’t go over too well when David announced that the other producers would be ready to lay down the primary instrumentals in three days. One day into Bill’s, and supposedly Tom’s, trip. Nothing could be done, the producers had other high profile clients they worked with. The label required them to work according to their schedule; this was nothing new, David said apologetically. Bullshit. Bill’s apparent excitement angered Tom and he lashed out a bit harder than he’d anticipated.

Flat out refusing to let Bill go was the wrong way to deal with it. They’d fought all the way home, which finally brought them to this wonderful point. Tom scratched his hair and yanked off his hats as carefully as he could in the current state he was in. He sniffed his shirt and could smell the smoke. Yet another reason Bill would be mad at him.

Tom stripped and threw his clothes into the closet before he donned one of his many white tee shirts to accompany his boxers. The water stopped in the bathroom and he looked up. He sat on the bed and waited for Bill to emerge. After a few minutes of silently sitting, waiting; Tom had enough. Why was he acting as if this was his fault? How else was Tom supposed to think Bill acted when he didn’t even care about their child? His slightly cooled rage flamed once more into its more potent ire and when the door opened, Tom bristled.

“You smoked, didn’t you?” Bill started in right away, a mammoth towel wrapped around his body. He was dry, but the edges of his hair had gotten wet and curled just a bit where it lay on his shoulders and back.

“Just one,” Tom said in his defense as he played with his lipring.

“Well, if it’s just one then I guess it’s okay.” Bill slammed the dresser drawer closed after he’d retrieved his tee shirt and boxer shorts.

“You know, I don’t need that type of encouragement. I’m trying to quit. I’ve cut down, okay? I can’t quit cold turkey.” Tom swung his feet to the floor and began to pace. “You’ve got to let me do this on my own, my way.”

“Wow, it’s amazing how people can want something from someone that they’re unable to give themselves.” Bill yanked his teeshirt over his head before he struggled briefly to put his boxers on. His eyes flashed and his arms crossed in an unconscious mirror of Tom’s posture.

“Whatever, Bill. I don’t care anymore.” Suddenly the fight went out of Tom and he pulled the covers back so he could climb into bed.

Bill clenched his hands into fists and felt his anger grow exponentially. “Don’t you dare. You don’t get to say stupid shit and then go to bed. That’s not fucking fair.”

“You know what’s not fair, Bill?” Tom asked in a reasonable tone. “I don’t think it’s fair that you don’t care about our baby. You’re going to get your fucking procedure done even though you know it’s in her better interest to wait it out, at least for a while longer. But no, you don’t want to do that.”

Bill recoiled as if he’d been slapped. “You said you were okay with it,” he whispered accusingly.

Tom shrugged and slid between the sheets. “I guess I lied, just like you lied to me.”

Bill’s eyes watered and he choked back a response; he swallowed until he felt he could make a response without bursting into tears. “I didn-”

“You’re not going on that trip without me, Bill. End of story,” Tom interrupted him and turned over without another word.

Bill stared at his brother’s back in disbelief. “You can’t forbid me to go.”

“It’s my child too.” Tom didn’t bother to turn over so Bill walked around the large bed so he could look down at Tom.

“Fuck you,” he said with barely suppressed rage.

“Oh, that was original.”

“You know what… just don’t talk to me. Anything you have to say, just swallow it.” Bill threw his hands up and walked back to his side of the bed. “And you know what? It might be your child too, but it’s my fucking body. And my body is going to those fucking interviews.” He yanked the covers back and half climbed, half fell into the bed before he pulled the covers back up to his chin; it didn’t matter that he knew in a few minutes time he’d probably kick them off. The tears Bill had kept at bay spilled over, and he turned away from Tom and wiped his eyes before he pressed the button beside the bed and plunged the room into darkness.

Author's Chapter Notes:

Sometimes.

Tom looked up and smiled into a kiss as he thrust upwards into Bill; Tom’s hands spanned his entire waist as the singer rode him with determination. It felt so good, the heat enveloped around his cock and Bill’s breath across his face.

Bill had just let himself into his hotel room and gave Tom that smile as he leaned across and snagged Tom’s cigarette. Even when angry, Tom couldn’t really resist his brother. All it took was a smile and a caress and suddenly they were kissing on the couch and Bill was on top of him, grinding deliciously against a hard-on he hadn’t realized he had.

Tom was jerked out of his musings by the telltale shiver in Bill’s body and the desperate tug in his balls that signaled impending orgasm. He thrust hard repeatedly into his brother’s little body and came explosively as he felt the hot spurt of Bill’s climax against his chest. When his muscles decided to unlock Tom fell limply against the couch and smiled up at Bill.

“Shit, Tomi, that was amazing,” Bill moaned as he pulled himself off of his twin. “So you’re not mad at me anymore, right?”

“Fuck, I don’t even know what we were fighting about.” Tom admitted sheepishly as he tried to get his heart rate to slow down a bit.

“Good. Sex solves everything.” Bill stretched and beamed down at his brother. Tom groaned at the sight of the singer’s pale, lithe form and his cock stirred again.

“Hell yeah.”

~*~

Tom crossed his arms and watched as Bill zipped up his carry on bag without a word. Saki was at the door and looked a bit uncomfortable with the tension in the room. His twin still refused to look at him and Tom couldn’t find it within himself to be the bigger man and apologize.  He meant everything that he’d said; the only regret was how it came out.

But Bill wasn’t talking to Tom; the silence in the house had stretched on for two days and now the trip was finally upon them. He’d assumed that he’d take Bill to the airport. Maybe the drive would give him the chance to say something before his twin left without him. But no, Bill’s independence surged forward full force and Saki arrived and put his luggage in the familiar black van.

Quite a few sentiments and sentences were clogged in Tom’s throat, but they wouldn’t ease up so at least one could get by. He looked at Bill’s hands, splayed out on his carry on bag, and glanced up to his face. Their eyes locked and Tom could feel ‘please don’t go’ right on the tip of his tongue; Bill turned away first and handed his bag to Saki. The moment was over and Tom watched his twin leave.

~*~

“We have a big week ahead of us. Are you excited? Of course you’re excited.” Bill looked at David in amusement as the manager spoke at a million miles a minute. The plane was due to take off in about twenty minutes and various staff moved around the cabin as they tried to make their first class passengers as comfortable as possible.  He ignored David and pulled out his phone. He had two text messages and Bill’s heart quickened as he opened them, as he hoped one would be from his twin.

No; one from Gustav asking him to pick up some brandy while he was in London, and Molly, telling him to try and enjoy himself.

“Can I get you anything, Mister Kaulitz?” Bill looked up to see a very pretty flight attendant smile brilliantly at him and gesture to the beverage cart.

“Water, please.” Bill smiled back and took the cool bottle of water in his hands. He waited until the lady had moved on before sticking it down his shirt and cooling the heated skin between his breasts. Bill sighed with relief and felt immediately better as his eyes fluttered shut. When he opened them, both Saki and David were staring at him and the bottle weirdly. “What, it’s hot!”

“Ookay… keep the weirdness to a minimum while we’re out,” David said as he rolled his eyes. “Think you can do that for me?”

“Fuck off,” Bill said tiredly. Even before the plane got off the ground he wanted to be in bed already. The baby gave a little kick and he rubbed his stomach in the spot of the internal blow.

“That’s the type of stuff Oprah and Graham want to see.”

“What stuff?”

“That stuff.” David pointed to him rubbing his stomach.

“I’m not on display, David.” Bill looked up as the preflight announcement came on speaker.

“But we’re going to play this up as positively as possible. People want to see adorable stuff. Nothing gets to the public like a pregnancy,” Jost quipped.

“Whatever.”

“We’re due in London in a couple of hours. We’re going straight from the airport to the 41 Hotel. I’ve heard it’s quite nice. They want to make sure to take care of you in your… condition.”

“It’s safe to say baby, David.” Bill put on his seatbelt and closed his eyes.

“Right. But we’re there for two days and then you go on Graham Norton. After that we’re off to Chicago.”

“Mmm…” Bill shifted in his seat as he tried to get comfortable. He gave up when he realized the only thing that could truly make him comfortable right now was currently at home. And pissed at him. He’d thought he wanted to go on this trip alone. Maybe he could’ve enjoyed it if he didn’t have Tom’s sullen face invading his mind at every turn.

Bill closed his eyes and after a brief patch of turbulence, fell asleep.

~*~

“How long’s he been gone?”

“Just a day.” Tom snubbed out his cigarette and groaned. “I haven’t been able to sleep in that big house. It’s ridiculous. I don’t know why we got something that big, anyway.”

“Because you’re rock stars and required the appropriate housing?” Andreas asked cheekily.

“Seriously, it’s huge without him and I feel uncomfortable there.”

“So, what are you going to do?” Andreas and Tom were having lunch in Andreas’ backyard; a local restaurant that they both loved delivered and it was a pleasant, albeit hot, afternoon.

“I’m going to stay in the studio apartment in Hamburg. There’s no point in me staying in that big house alone.”

“Wonder what Bill’s doing right now.”

~*~

“Hold that pose right there!”

Bill gritted his teeth and tried to look provocative with what felt like a bowling ball stuffed in his shirt. The photographer frowned and stopped.

“I’m going to need a bit of enthusiasm from you. You’re not even trying.”

“I am trying. You try holding this pose with something the size of a bowling ball on your bladder. God, I need to pee.” Bill straightened and braced his lower back as he powered off towards the bathroom. Once inside he burst into tears. This was stupid. He felt fat and his skin wasn’t cooperating and it felt like he couldn’t do anything right. The one person who could comfort him wasn’t there. Bill sniffed and tried to shrug out of the outfit he wore for the photo shoot. It was a bit difficult, and just as he was about to give up the last snap in the back came loose and he dropped his pants and relieved himself.

He couldn’t stop the tears, and Bill realized how insane it would’ve looked if someone could see him; crying his eyes out in front of the toilet as he clutched his stomach. He laughed briefly and wiped his tears as he looked down at his stomach. “You hate me, too, don’t you, little one? Get in line; everyone thinks I’m doing something wrong.” Bill sighed and closed his eyes. Just one interview after the shoot and he’d be able to go to sleep in a luxury hotel. That was the only thought that spurred him on and out of the bathroom.

Bill stopped feeling sorry and threw himself into his work. He used to love being in front of the camera, to model beautiful clothes and smile provocatively at the camera and pretend it was Tom. He wouldn’t let a baby stand in the way of it. Even if he felt like a fat cow he would still do his best. The camera flashed in front of his eyes and he could barely see anyone else but he smiled at the camera. Before he realized, it was over and Bill was escorted back to the car and on to the next interview.

~*~

“He had some interview with a local newspaper.”

“Which one?” Tom asked as he bit deeply into his pizza.

“I don’t know.”

“You know Gustav can’t read. I think it’s cruel to remind him of it,” Georg deadpanned as Tom laughed until he almost choked. Gustav glanced up from his plate and flipped them both off before returning to his food. “Anyway, have you spoken to him?”

“No, not really.” Tom scratched the back of his neck and wished that were true. He hadn’t spoken to him at all.

“Bill is probably running around, shopping as much as he can before they rein him in. Or sleeping.”

“Or sleeping,” Gustav agreed with the bassist with a smile. “We all know how much Bill loves his sleep.”

“I’m sure even more now, since he’s pregnant.” Georg picked off a few peppers and shook some crushed red pepper onto his slice. “He’s gotta be so scared.”

Tom looked up and frowned. “Why? He has me.”

Gustav looked at Georg and laughed. “Come on, Tom. Seriously. It’s a kid. You’re just his brother.”

“What are you talking about?” he asked defensively.

“I mean, Andreas is supposed to be there for him and everything but even he can’t really reassure Bill like he could if they were really together.” Georg swallowed the mouthful of food and continued. “I mean, he isn’t getting affection and all that on a daily basis. I read on the internet that you had to give a pregnant woman a lot of affection so the baby could be healthy and happy. The mother’s overall wellbeing plays a big part in the baby’s health, especially before it’s born.”

Gustav paused with his slice halfway to his mouth. “Where did you get all of that?” he asked bewilderedly.

Georg shrugged. “The internet.”

Tom looked down at his food and sighed.

~*~

“Saki? It’s Tom.”

“Yes, Tom.”

“…I called because… I wanted to make sure you were taking care of Bill.”

“…”

Tom swallowed. “I mean, not that you wouldn’t take care of Bill, you know I don’t think that. I mean-”

“Tom, he’s not really going anywhere. We had a light day; three interviews and two quick photo shoots. The nurse told Bill to get some rest tonight and that’s what he’s doing. The Graham Norton Show is tomorrow afternoon.”

Robert told Bill if he just had to travel, he’d rather one of his staff accompany him. Bill quickly agreed and Tom felt only marginally better about not being there. “Thank you, Saki,” Tom murmured quietly.

“Why aren’t you talking to him? He’s sad. Even when he’s trying to smile I can still tell he’s sad. He doesn’t need that right now.”

“It’s complicated, Saki.”

“Uncomplicate it, Tom.”

The dreadlocked teen resisted the urge to groan as the call ended.

~*~

“So, you’re staying in Hamburg?”

“Until Bill gets back.”

“Are you sure?”

Tom nodded. “I’m not running. I just miss him. The house seems so big without him.”

Stephen nodded. “Okay, that’s fine. So, you let Bill leave without the situation resolved?”

“I’m not sure how to solve it. It just became easier not to talk.”

“I’m sure, but what have we talked about?”

“The easy way rarely solves anything,” Tom responded dutifully.

“It warms my heart when you regurgitate whole sentences like that in monotone. It’s a beautiful thing.” Stephen looked up from his notes and smiled. “Now, what’s the point of being right when the other person doesn’t know you’re right?”

“I guess there is no point; so you think I’m right?”  Tom asked eagerly.

Stephen stopped in mid pen stroke and frowned. “I see both sides of the situation. I am unaffected by the emotion of your predicament.”

“You didn’t answer my question.”

“Actually, I did. You didn’t hear the answer you wanted.”

Tom closed his eyes and leaned back against the couch. “So, I should call him?”

“You already know the answer to that.”

Tom sighed. “Yeah…” He shifted around on the couch and Stephen watched him carefully.

“You should know by now if you have a question, just ask.”

The dreadlocked teen looked at him in surprise and exhaled noisily. “What will the C section actually entail? Should Bill be scared?”

“Although everyone wants to treat childbirth like a science, it’s not perfected. So many variables exist; the medical staff can only hope that everything goes to plan… and plan for things when they don’t. Besides that, it’s still major surgery. An incision is made on the lower abdomen, the uterine wall is breached, the amniotic sac will be broken and the baby pulled out and cleaned. Bill will be numbed from the chest down, so he shouldn’t feel anything beyond pressure and some pulling. Then we’ll check for any abnormalities that we couldn’t detect within the womb. Then they’ll close Bill up and give him your daughter so they can bond.

“He’ll have a problem lifting her at first, or even sitting up by himself for the first week, but patients are asked to move around after twelve hours to get everything back up and running. The hospital stay is generally three to four days; that’s to make sure everything’s healing nicely and there is no infection. After three weeks Bill should feel fine and after six everything will be back to normal.”

“So he’ll be awake during the whole thing?” Tom bit his bottom lip. He didn’t like the sound of that, his twin awake while someone cut into him.

“Yes, it’s important that he be awake. If something happens we’ll know right away,” Stephen said as he crossed his legs again.

“I would want to put that off for as long as possible,” Tom admitted.

“Well, I think Bill would rather try that than stay pregnant longer.”

“Is it really that bad?”

“I’m not sure, I’ve never been pregnant. Women take to the experience differently. Quite a few feel like Bill if it was unplanned. I think you’ll have to learn to be sympathetic to his situation. Truly sympathetic. Besides, this clinic has managed to keep four of the six male pregnancy children, delivered here, alive after their cesareans.”

Tom nodded and realized his fears were totally different than when he came in.

~*~

“I’ll be quick; I just really want a sandwich.” Bill shifted on his feet as he awaited the answer.

“What’s wrong with room service?” Saki asked carefully. The singer rolled his eyes mentally; ever since Saki’d found out Bill was pregnant he’d treated him as if he were fine blown glass. It was like a bear who tried to pour tea from a porcelain teapot and not break it; oddly and morbidly fascinating, but useless.

“I’m tired of room service and I called down for a good place to eat; the concierge recommended this place called Vingt-Quatre, in Chelsea. All we want is a sandwich.” Bill looked at the man and pleaded silently. The bodyguard caved in the remarkable speed reserved for people when giving in to pregnant people.

“Fine. But you shouldn’t be out late. Graham Norton tomorrow.”

“I know, let me go get my bag.”

<> 

He couldn’t help it. Bill hadn’t realized how hungry he was until Saki looked him in the eyes and told him to sit down and eat the food in the restaurant. As soon as the singer bit into the classic club sandwich, he moaned and dug in happily.

Bill hadn’t even noticed his headache until the feeling of relief made him lightheaded. He took a breath and promised himself that he wouldn’t sleep so long without eating first, no matter how exhausted he was. “Sorry, little one,” Bill murmured as he rubbed his belly. He quickly returned to his food as the baby gave a happy little flip. He’d just finished the wonderful meal when he saw a pair of blue eyes stare over the edge of the table at him.

It was a little girl. She sidled closer and smiled a crooked little grin. Bill melted; she was absolutely adorable. “Hi,” he said softly as he wiped his hands self consciously. In his enthusiasm he’d managed to get a bit of mustard and mayo on his hand.

“Hi.” She slid her hands around the edge of the table and reached out to touch his sleeve shyly.

“You like my shirt?” Bill grinned and held out his sleeve. It was a silver shirt and very shiny. The little girl couldn’t have been more than three years old and Bill couldn’t get over how precious she seemed; a beautiful angel in a blue and black dress that matched her eyes and hair respectively.

“Zoe! Come from there!” Both Bill and the little girl’s head snapped up in surprise. “Zoe Tanner, you come here!” A woman came to his table and held out her hand for her daughter. “I’m so sorry, she has a thing for silver.” The woman had the same hesitant and not quite straight smile that Zoe had.

“It’s okay.” Bill smiled and waved at the little girl. “Bye, Zoe.”

“Bye.” She waved before she took her mother’s hand.

Bill watched them go back to their table and subconsciously his hands came to rest on his abdomen. Would his daughter be that pretty? Would she look that sweet or would she have Tom’s near perpetual smirk and mischievous twinkle in her eye? Bill was in a fog as Saki gently told him it was time to go back to the hotel. His hand didn’t leave his stomach until he was inside of his room; and only then to pee.

He curled up on his side on the bed and sighed; somehow Bill was now even more aware of the life inside of him. He thought about Zoe and his daughter delivered a particularly vicious kick. Bill winced and rubbed the area. Zoe was such a nice name, he hadn’t thought-

Another kick and Bill hissed. “What are you trying to tell me? Are you a Zoe?” He hissed again at another kick and laughed. “Zoe,” he said, and waited. Bill grimaced at another kick and nodded his head. “I think I should tell your father you’ve found a name you like.”

Just as the words cleared his lips Bill’s phone rang. He grumbled and reached for it; surprised that the display had his twin’s picture on it. “H-hello?” His voice came out shakier than he’d wanted, but he bit his lip and waited for a response.

“Hi, Bill.”

“Hi, Tom.”

“…What are you doing?”

Bill looked around the semi dark room and shrugged. “I’m in bed.”

“Oh, sorry to disturb you. I kind of thought you’d be out on the town, shopping.”

Bill smiled and stretched out on the bed again with the phone rested on his face. He could talk without holding the phone or having to search for his Bluetooth earpiece and still recline comfortably. “No.”

“Do you like London?”

“It’s okay. I haven’t been able to do much because either I’m in a photo shoot or an interview. I’m always tired. I just stay in the bed. I miss our bed, though. I miss our house.”

“It’s empty without you. I’m staying in the studio apartment while we’re recording. It’s easier than having to make the trip every day.”

“Oh…”

“But, how do you like London?”

“You’ve already asked that,” Bill said in amusement.

“Right. I’m just trying to find things that won’t start an argument. I don’t want to fight. I just… want to be able to talk to you about everything again; especially something as important as our baby.”

“You think you can’t talk to me about her?” Bill picked at the comforter.

“No. You don’t exactly make it an easy subject to bring up.”

“…What do you want to talk about?”

“I don’t know. My excitement. The fact that I’ll be able to hold her in my arms. That I get to see the two of you together. We’ll be a real family.”

“We’re already family, Tom.”

“That’s what I’m talking about. Some snide comment or something that makes it seem like you’re devaluing my opinion. I hate it, and it makes me not want to say anything to begin with.”

Bill sighed. “I see Stephen’s making progress with you.”

“He’s trying. I don’t think I’ll be cured by the time you come back though, so don’t get your hopes up.” Tom chuckled.

“Tomi?”

“Yeah, Bill?”

“I’m sorry. I don’t mean to be difficult. Half the time… I’m sort of excited about her. Then other times I get this feeling like I’m not supposed to be happy that I’m pregnant. That I’m not supposed to be excited. I just get this yoyo thing bouncing me around all the time. I’m sick of it. I just wanted it to be over. And then you said you understood and I thought you did… but then…” Bill wiped his eyes and trailed off.

“I’m sorry, Bill. I didn’t think about how you felt about it. I was just… angry. Angry that I can’t share my thoughts and feelings about the future and our baby with you. I felt alone in this pregnancy, and worse, I felt like I forced you to keep her. I think I know you would’ve aborted if I hadn’t begged you. Maybe that would’ve been best.”

Bill’s throat constricted and he grabbed the phone so he could sit up. “No, I don’t think I would’ve been happy with myself if I had done that. You wouldn’t have been happy, either.”

“This isn’t… about me.”

“No, it’s about us. I’m going to try and be happier, Tom. I am. But I don’t know if I’m going to get it right all the time. I feel so overwhelmed all the time and the mood swings aren’t really helping. I feel like I’m barely holding on.”

“I miss you, Bill.”

“I miss me, too.” Bill laughed feebly and rubbed his stomach. “Oh, your daughter picked her name earlier tonight.”

“Did she? What’d she pick?”

“Zoe.” Bill held his breath as the line went quiet.

“Zoe? That’s pretty. I like it. Zoe Lily Kaulitz. We’re still giving her Grandma’s middle name, right?”

“You were listening,” he said as a warmth spread through his body. Tom chuckled in his ear and suddenly he wanted to be at home, with his arms wrapped around his body and a soft massage on his distended stomach.

“Of course. I think it’s good. Actually, I really like it.”

“You’re not just saying that, are you? I really want you to like it.”

“No, I mean it.”

“Okay, just checking.” Bill sighed and leaned into the touch of the phone on his face. He felt as if he were starved for human touch. “I miss you, Tomi.”

“I know, baby. I wish I could be with you but I can’t. Just… make sure you don’t overwork yourself, alright? You have a habit of doing that, even when you weren’t pregnant. And you’re listening to the nurse, right?”

“Yes. She tells me when she wants me to go lie down and I listen.”

“You haven’t gotten dizzy again, have you?”

“No, Tomi. Stop worrying.” It took Bill half a second to lie, and somewhere he knew he should’ve felt guilty about it. But then he’d realize Tom couldn’t do anything about it from where he was, and he felt fine afterwards. Sometimes dizziness was just dizziness in pregnancy. He’d read it on the internet. But Tom would’ve demanded that he come right now.

“I can’t. I’m not there to see you, to know for a fact that you’re alright. I’m not going to lie, Bill, we have a lot of issues we have to work through, but I still love you more than anyone else on this planet.”

Bill smiled. “I think I needed to hear that.”

“I’ll tell you for the rest of you life.”

“So lame.”

“Hey, you liked those lines.”

“Whatever.”

~*~

“That’s a step.”

“I know, I’m excited. It didn’t feel like he was lying or anything. I mean, he doesn’t lie to me often, mostly he lies to himself.” Bill adjusted the slant of his laptop screen.

“I think you both are guilty of that.” Stephen’s voice had a slight lag, but it was better than no appointment at all. For patients that were bedridden the therapist hosted a web session so that ongoing needs could be addressed without missing vital sessions.

“I know. I’m trying not to go back to my old behavior, but it’s hard. I’m so used to doing it.”

“But you’re changing, and change takes time and energy. No one likes change. Except when change brings about something better. And even then, only when it’s easy. We’re creatures of habit. Mostly bad habits.”

“Isn’t that the truth,” Bill murmured as he dipped a steak fry in melted butter and popped it into his mouth.

“So, how did the interview go?”

“It was good. The audience laughed a lot, and I got to tell a few jokes. Graham wanted to touch my stomach.”

“Did you let him?”

Bill nodded. “Zoe kicked and I kinda felt proud.”

“You do know it’s okay to feel proud. Your daughter is growing and she’s healthy. There is more than enough to be proud of. Regardless of gender.”

“I’m trying,” Bill whined and laughed. “I was so nervous, though. He showed some pictures from a photo shoot the other day. I hadn’t seen the pictures yet and I didn’t even know they had them.”

“What did you think of the pictures?”

“I didn’t look half bad.” Bill ate another fry and swallowed quickly. “Like, I looked better than I thought.”

“I have a feeling you have a slightly skewed image of yourself.”

“I have a bowling ball stuck up my shirt.”

“Don’t talk about Zoe like that,” Stephen joked.

Bill laughed and nodded as he scratched his head. “I can’t believe I found a name. It makes it…”

“Different?” Stephen supplied softly. “It’s amazing what a name can do for your thought process.”

“Zoe sounds like someone I could like.” Bill rested his chin on his forearms in front of his computer and burped loudly. “Sorry.”

“Don’t fog up the camera.”

Bill smiled. “I’ll look away next time.”

“Bill, you’re going to be a good parent once you truly think about what type of parent you want to be. You don’t have much time, I’m afraid, and you know I’m not going to lie to you and say everything will work out. Parenthood is an ongoing, thankless job. It takes skills that most people lack and dedication most people will never know. And yet, even idiots have kids.”

“I don’t want to be an idiot with a kid,” Bill said resolutely.

“Then learn from your mother. Easiest way to figure out what you’d want to do with your child and vice versa. Grandmothers help. It’s their job, they’re behind the insanity of their own kids and now they’ve mellowed out into a wonderful bastion of information and advice.”

“People are already giving me advice.” Bill dragged a pudding cup closer and opened it eagerly. Vanilla. Zoe squirmed happily inside of him and he almost laughed; it felt like a phantom tickle.

“They’ll do that. You’ll have to learn to tune it out or you’ll think you’re going crazy.”

“Too late.” Bill licked the pudding lid and threw it on the tray.

“You’re not going crazy, Bill. You met me just in time.”

“Oh ha.” He rolled his eyes and looked at the window of Stephen’s gentle smile seriously. “What if she’s not clean?”

“You’ll do what your mother did; clean up after her.”

“Yeah, I guess so.” Bill squirmed and stuck his spoon in the dessert. “You seem like you have the answer to everything.”

“I have a couple of kids. I don’t have the answer for everything but I know a fair bit. My mother didn’t hesitate to tell me some things, neither did my mother in law. Just be prepared, the flood of advice will try to bury you when you get back.”

“So how do I stop it?”

“Bill, I think you have no problem telling people when you’re unhappy.”

Bill grinned. “That’s true.”

Stephen smiled.

~*~

“What are you chewing on like that?”

Tom looked up and froze. “What?”

“You’re chewing like you’re getting the meaning of life from that gum. Is it really that good? Is it pussy flavored?” Georg asked with a raised eyebrow.

Gustav choked on his orange juice as Tom flipped the bassist off. “Fuck you, Listing.”

“No, thank you. I’m good. So what’s with the gum?”

“It’s nicotine gum,” Gustav piped up. “Isn’t it?”

“Really?” Georg asked as he stared at Tom.

“Yeah, really.”

“Why are you trying to keep it a secret?” Gustav asked.

“…Because when I told everyone last time, I failed. It took about two miserable days and I caved and smoked almost a whole pack in less than twelve hours.” Tom chewed harder so he could quell the flare of a craving that bloomed when he thought about that time.

“So you want to do it before you blab to everyone?” Georg cocked his head and nodded slowly.

“Yeah, you get it. I just wanted to get a good head start before Bill gets back.”

“Yeah, even smoke on clothes could be dangerous to a baby’s lungs. They’re really delicate.” Both boys looked at Gustav weirdly. “What?”

“Fuck, seriously? Where’d you hear that?” Georg asked interestedly.

“I read it on the internet.”

“Do you guys just surf pregnancy sites or something?” Tom asked as he started to laugh. “I swear, you guys come out with new facts every time we sit down to eat something or something.”

“Well, fuck us for being interested.” Gustav shrugged sheepishly.

“It’s really fascinating. I can’t help it,” Georg leaned back his chair. “So where is Bill now?”

“Should be on the plane to Chicago.” Tom played with his lip ring and worried about his little brother. Something in the back of his mind wouldn’t let him relax about it.

“Oprah, big deal…” Gustav murmured.

“Yeah, big deal.” Tom looked out of the window and tried to relax. He didn’t like the distance between he and his twin. “What?” he looked back as someone called his name.

“They need us in the studio.”

Tom nodded at Georg and told himself he was overreacting.

He could only hope.

Author's Chapter Notes:

Sometimes. Dedicated to Haley Zee, the kickass author and mod we all know and love.

“So you must be relaxing.”

“I’m trying. I still have work I have to do and stuff.”

“Yeah. Don’t let them overwork you.”

“You sound like Tom.” Bill smiled as Molly laughed in his ear.

“Yeah, well, great minds and all that. So, have you done any shopping?”

“Not nearly as much as I wanted to.”

“I think that’s always the way. What are you doing now?”

“I’m in bed,” he said as he arranged his pillow for the fourth time in a row.

“I’m trying to live vicariously through you, Bill. If you’re not going to work with me, just say so.”

“Sorry to disappoint.”

“Nah, it’s okay. Rhiannon says hi. She wants to know when you’re coming back. I told her when you buy out Chicago.”

Bill laughed. “What did she say?”

“She said that I told her people have to share, so why don’t you?”

“Tell her I’ll try to restrain myself,” he said as he collapsed into tired laughter.

 “Well, I’m going to let you go. It’s pretty early there, isn’t it?”

“Yeah, but I had nothing better to do.”

“Order room service; that always helps. Food makes everything better.”

Bill looked at his plate and pushed it away. “I’ll keep that in mind.”

“Since you’re already in bed, maybe you should take another nap. As much as I enjoy talking to you, you sound a bit… tired. Are you sure everything’s okay?”

“Yeah. I think I am going to take you up on that.” Bill yawned unintentionally as Molly snorted.

“Good. Talk to you when you get back.”

“Bye.” Bill smiled as he heard Rhiannon shriek in the background, and Molly’s quiet fussing until the line disconnected. He hung up the phone and yawned again as he rubbed his stomach. “Do we want to go back to sleep?” There was no answering kick and Bill snuggled down further into the covers drowsily. “I’ll take that as a yes.” He yawned again and fell promptly asleep.

~*~

“Come in.”

“How are you feeling?” Jost asked as he entered the room.

Bill looked up from the magazine and shrugged. “Same. I’m bored.”

“I know, but I brought you a bunch of magazines. Maybe that’ll help. At least you have the television; it’ll help you with your English.”

“Neither I nor Zoe feel like watching anything for educational purposes.” Bill flipped another page, angrily and tried to ignore his manager.

“I like that name,” David said softly. Bill smiled to himself and peeked through his fringe.

“Really?”

“It’s cute. Zoe Kaulitz.”

“Thanks. She picked it out herself.”

David blinked and nodded slowly. “If you say so. Hey, do you mind if I leak it to the press?”

“Leak what to the press?”

“The name of your daughter. It would be a press field day.”

“I don’t give a fuck about the press and if you leak her name, I’ll personally chop your body up in bite-sized pieces and eat you. I think the indigestion would be worth it.”

“Fine, no need to threaten.”

“That’s what you think. I haven’t even told my mother yet. She’d freak out if she learned her grandchild’s name from a tabloid.”

“No tabloids. Just reputable magazines.”

“No, David.”

“Fine. I’m going to go check in with the label. Get some rest.”

“That’s all I can do.” Bill threw a halfhearted wave at the man as he left as quickly as he came. The silence annoyed him; the only sound in the room was the rasp of the paper as he turned the pages of the magazine. He looked at his laptop, near his foot and grumbled before he reached for it and set it up. It took only a few minutes before he saw Stephen’s patient face. “Don’t look at me like that,” he pouted.

Stephen made a horrible face. “Would you prefer this?”

“Now you look like Georg, when he wakes up with a hangover.” Bill smiled at his therapist’s laugh and rubbed his stomach. “I’m going crazy, just sitting around.”

“Well, you’ll get through it.”

“Words of wisdom.”

“I’m full of them. Or it, if you ask my wife on a bad day.”

Bill couldn’t help but laugh, but was interrupted by a particularly vicious kick. “Ooh, she likes to do that at random.”

“Babies are basically demanding attention before they even come out.”

“I can’t stop touching my stomach. It’s like every few seconds I need to touch it, and hopefully, Zoe can feel my touch, in there.”

“I’d like to think she can. You’re making up for lost time. I know we’ve talked about your… detachment towards Zoe; now you’re working past it. It just took longer than you thought.”

“I’m a slow learner.”

“True.”

“You’re not supposed to agree so quickly,” Bill deadpanned.

“Hey, I’m not here to stroke your ego; I’m here to keep you honest with yourself.” Stephen shifted and Bill could see a mug come into view that said ‘Therapists Do It On The Couch’. “So, are you getting rest?”

“I’m in the bed, aren’t I?”

“And yet, I didn’t ask you where you were. I know you, your brain keeps going and you worry about every, little thing. That’s what landed you there in the first place. Well, one of the things.”

“I’m trying,” Bill said, honestly.

“That’s a start. A lame start, but a start, nonetheless.” Stephen smiled. “So, did you call Tom?”

“Yesterday.”

“What did he say?”

“He’s glad I’m enjoying Chicago.”

“…And?”

“And he misses me.”

“You didn’t tell him, did you?”

“No.”

“Why not?”

“Because I don’t want him to worry.”

Stephen nodded and shrugged. “Don’t you think when he finds out that you lied to him, he’ll be worried then?”

“I’ve sworn everyone to secrecy.” That sounded childish to him, even as he said it.

“Riiight. We deal with truth, Bill. How long do you think it will be before someone tells Tom? Shouldn’t it be you?” Bill looked away, lips in a hard, thin line. Stephen knew how much he could push Bill before he clammed up; now was the time to back off a bit. “So, you didn’t finish telling me what Oprah gave you.”

Bill brightened. “She’s sending a designer to the house and, together, we’re going to design my perfect nursery. On top of that, she’s buying everything that needs to go inside, all state of the art.”

“Wow, I’ve heard of her generosity.”

“She said it was a baby present; that because I’m a guy, she didn’t think I’d know everything I would need. I didn’t argue, because I don’t.”

Stephen nodded. “It’s not like you didn’t have a therapist who gave you a checklist ages ago so you could go shopping.”

“What?”

“Nothing. I’m going to have to go; a patient is coming in for an unexpected session. She’s a bit panicked; we’re inducing her delivery and she’s scared.”

“Of being induced, right?” Bill nodded; he understood that fear.

“No, of what comes afterwards. We’ll talk later; hopefully you’ll be in Berlin so we can do it face to face.”

“Thanks, Stephen.”

“Anytime, Bill.” The vocalist exited out of the program.

~*~

“Hey.”

“Hey! I’m glad you called.”

Bill beamed and shifted into a more comfortable position. “What are you doing?”

“Just finishing up track eight.”

“We need to find a name for it.”

“You do the lyrics. It’s your job to come up with a name. Peter has a few ideas, but they said they’ll wait until you get back to run them by you. But you know how that goes; they might just make the decision themselves.”

Bill nodded and sighed. “Yeah, I know. I miss you.”

“I miss you, too. When are you coming home?”

“In a couple of days.”

“Why do they keep delaying it?”

“I… I just wanted to do some more shopping,” Bill said, uneasily as Zoe kicked. He rolled his eyes; even their child didn’t approve of his lying to Tom.“

Don’t buy out all of Chicago.” Bill could hear the joke in his twin’s voice and sighed. “Bill, you’d tell me if something was wrong, right?”

“What makes you think something’s wrong?” Bill tried to put a bit more energy into his voice as his heart hammered in his chest.

“Dunno. But I just feel… off. Maybe because we’re not together. I don’t feel as whole when you’re not around.”

“You and those lame lines. I still don’t know why I fell for them.”

“Because you thought they were sweet.”

Bill was about to reply when a nurse came in with a tray of food. “Uh, Tomi? I’ve gotta go. Room service.”

“Okay. Get some rest, okay? You sound tired.”

“Yeah.” Bill swallowed and looked down at his stomach. “I’ll see you soon.”

“Love you.”

“Love you, too.” Bill hung up the phone and groaned. It was too early to be awake, but Zoe was restless and he couldn’t sleep, no matter how much he wanted to. Jet-lag was going to be a bitch when he got back home; he couldn’t stay here much longer or he’d be set to Chicago time even more than he was.

He picked at the hospital food and wished there was some way he could bribe Jost to try and sneak in some real food, but since the manager had gotten caught by a nurse, he’d refused to try again, the pussy. The bagel wasn’t that bad and neither were the eggs and he ate them, fairly quickly. The queasy feeling in his stomach faded and Bill was in a fairly good mood, just as someone knocked on his door.

 “Come in.”

Jost pushed the door open and smiled. “How are you doing?”

“Better. Not so dizzy.”

“Good. Should I tell Tom to fly out?”

Bill blinked. “What? Absolutely not!”

“Bill…”

“No, no. Don’t. I don’t want him here right now.” Bill closed his laptop and settled against the pillows. “End of story.”

“No, not end of story. He’d kick my ass if he knew you were feeling poorly and I didn’t tell him.”

“Are you his spy?”

David blinked. “What?”

“Are you his spy? Do you report things back to him?” Bill asked, shrilly. David took a step back from the bed and scratched his head. The mood in the room had done a complete 180 in the matter of seconds. “No! I mean, sometimes, but he want-”

“I don’t give a shit about what he wants right now. Listen to me, Jost, and listen to me good. If you so much as breathe in such a way that would make Tom think he should fly over, I will personally rip off your balls. Then I’ll find a recipe and cook them and put them on a pretty plate; I’ll even find something to garnish them with. Then I’ll sit you down and make you eat your own balls. Do you want that? Am I clear?”

“Bill-”

“Apparently, I’m not. Or should I tell your girlfriend the real reason you missed your one month anniversary?” Bill crossed his arms as best he could and stared at the older man.

“It was too fucking early to have some fucking aniver-” David pinched the bridge of his nose and took a deep breath before he released it noisily. “Look, there’s no need to threaten.”

Bill looked thoughtful. “I could’ve sworn it was only a threat when you didn’t intend on following through.”

“Fine,” David gritted. “No Tom.”“

No Tom.”

David went to say something else, but nothing came to mind; he just groaned and stormed out of the room as he shook his head. Bill was the last person on earth he would’ve given extra hormones to. He was of half a mind to obey Bill. He didn’t need another Kaulitz in his ear, especially not now. He had more than enough on his plate while trying to dodge the media.

But one little leak would let Tom know, and then he’d really be done. David looked at his phone and wondered whose attack he could withstand better, a pregnant and vindictive Bill, or an angry Tom.

~*~

“This is nice,” Bill purred as Tom’s arms tightened around him. It was a rare lazy day and they were home, alone. Simone was working late at the gallery and Gordon had a late student session, followed by band practice. The sun was just beginning to set and neither he, nor Tom had moved in over an hour.

“You should’ve called me, earlier,” Tom’s whisper rumbled in his ear and Bill couldn’t help but smile. “I missed you.”

“I’ve been here, all along,” he mumbled; sleep had him in a very comfortable choke-hold and everything had a fuzzy feel to it; everything was just out of focus.

“But I wasn’t here with you.”

“Where did you go?” Bill yawned and snuggled against the delicious warmth at his back. A hand slid down from around his waist and began to rub gently. Muscles he hadn’t realized were tight began to relax and Bill wondered why it felt so good.

“I was at home.”

“Silly, we are home.” Bill stretched a kink out of his leg and wrapped it around Tom’s denim clad one.“

Bill, wake up.”

“Nooo….” He buried his face into the starchy pillow and frowned. It didn’t feel like his pillow in his room and Bill couldn’t remember Tom’s pillows feeling like this. Something kicked in his stomach and he frowned and opened his eyes. He saw the heart monitor machine next to the bed and felt the sensors on his chest. The antiseptic smell of the hospital rushed into his nose and he jerked his head back away from the air, in a futile gesture.

It was a dream. Bill blinked and looked down at Tom’s hand on his stomach and smiled to himself as he drifted back toward sleep. After a few minutes, he cracked one eye open and looked down at his stomach. Tom’s hand was still there and he became aware of a body, pressed against his back. Bill smiled and looked over his shoulder. Tom was asleep, cap askew as he slept on the bed next to him. Bill blinked back a few tears and turned back around and went back to sleep as he clutched Tom tightly.

<> 

“I just don’t know what it will take for you to trust me and tell me when something’s wrong.” Tom was now awake and somewhat miffed at Bill. But it was hard to maintain the anger when Bill looked like a beaten puppy.

“I do trust you, Tomi. It’s just more complicated than that. I didn’t want you to worry.”

“Imagine my worry when Jost called me and told me you’ve been in the hospital since your original departure date. That was four days ago!”

Bill nodded, sadly and looked away. “There’s nothing wrong with me. I just said I was a little dizzy in the airport and then that stupid nurse had to check my blood pressure and she said we had to go to the hospital. I was fine,” he said.

“But maybe Zoe wasn’t. And maybe you weren’t, either. You’re good at ignoring what you don’t want to hear.” Tom winced as Bill looked hurt and crossed his arms. “Look, I’m sorry. Arguing isn’t going to help anything. I just… you can’t ignore things anymore.”

“But I’m telling you, dizziness is normal. It said so on the website.” Bill looked at him, imploringly. “I’m not going to jump every time there’s a little thing. I’d drive myself nuts.”

“I’d rather you be a little crazier, but healthy, than the alternative.” Tom sat on the bed next to Bill and leaned down to kiss him on the cheek. “I just want you to be careful. And stop threatening Jost.”

“I threatened Jost?” Bill looked at him, strangely as Tom nodded. “Well damn, I don’t remember that.”

Tom snorted. “He definitely does. So, no scaring The Jost.”

“Fine. Did he tell you what I said?”

“He wouldn’t tell me. But you better not keep something like this from me again, okay?” Tom nuzzled against the rounded curve of Bill’s cheek and slid his nose down to Bill’s neck and inhaled. He’d missed his twin so much; just a mere scent reminded him how much.

Bill wrapped his arms around Tom and pulled him closer. The tension in his body that had accumulated over the last few days eased and he realized he was drifting off. He yawned and tried to fight it. “Sorry,” he said as he yawned again.

Tom pulled away, just enough to look into his eyes. “No, don’t be. Go to sleep. I’m here.” He kissed Bill’s eyes, gently and rubbed his stomach until Bill fell into a deep sleep with a smile upon his face.

~*~

“I’m so glad to be home,’ Bill said with a smile as he stretched and looked around. The place wasn’t messy, but it needed some light cleaning. He was not in the mood for that. “I’ve been thinking about your suggestion; a housekeeper? I’m so for it.” Bill yawned and paused. There was a sound he couldn’t quite place, and it seemed to be getting louder. Bill turned to Tom; all his twin brother gave him by way of an explanation was a secretive smile. Shortly, a little bundle of fur shot around the corner and barreled into Tom’s pant leg, excitedly as it yelped and wriggled, stuck in a fold. “Tomi,” Bill breathed as his brother reached down and picked up the small, wiggly mass.

“I thought we could get used to taking care of someone other than ourselves. Besides, we needed a pet,” Tom said as he blushed and presented the golden Labrador puppy. It was barely big enough to warrant both of his hands, but it stumbled over its own tail in an effort to get closer to Bill.

Bill lifted it, gently and cuddled it close to his chest. It gave a sharp little bark and licked at his face, eagerly. “Tomi, it’s adorable!”

“I know. A neighbor was selling  puppies up the street. I couldn’t resist. He’s only a few days old.” Tom stroked the puppy’s fur as its tail flickered back and forth excitedly.

“You left him alone? By himself?” Bill screeched and petted the puppy more.

“No, I left him with Andreas. He dropped him back off about an hour ago. Barely any time to be alone. Besides, I didn’t want to leave him in the house. He might’ve peed everywhere.”

“He’s adorable!” Bill couldn’t get over the wiggly puppy in his hands. “What’s his name?”

“I thought I would leave that up to you.” Tom shrugged and grabbed the suitcase. “I’m going to go put these up in our room.”

“Okay.” Bill barely heard Tom leave as he looked down at the puppy. “So, what are we going to call you? Something royal or noble? Or how about silly. You seem like you could be a silly puppy.” He grimaced as a small little tongue tried to lap at his lips. “What kind of puppy are you?” The little animal barked and Bill smiled. “Cute puppy.” He barked again. “Puppy?” Another bark. “Puppy!”

Puppy wiggled happily and barked again. Bill looked up as Tom came back into the living room. “What?” He asked in amusement as Bill held the small dog away from his face so he couldn’t lick him again. “He’s just trying to give you a facial,” he joked.

“His name is Puppy!” Bill beamed and gently put him on the ground.

Tom looked at the dog and nodded. “Come here, Puppy.” He slapped his thigh and the dog came running. He skid and fell over onto his side, but was up in a second with an excited bark as he jumped onto Tom’s pants. He groaned and retrieved Puppy from his pant leg and shook his head. “This is going to be interesting.”

Puppy barked in agreement.

~*~

“What are you doing?” Molly asked at the door, her head cocked to the side in confusion. Bill had a black smudge on his cheek and looked a bit winded.

“You’ve gotta come see.” Bill moved and allowed Molly and Rhiannon in with a smile. “I’ve been up since Tom left; I felt like doing something so I’ve been working in the baby’s room!” he exclaimed as he grabbed Molly’s hand and they both struggled up the steps.

“Rhiannon, sit on the couch. I’ll be right back,” Molly called over her shoulder as she followed an excited Bill. “What have you been doing?” she huffed as they finally crested the second floor landing.

“I’ve been painting!” Bill beamed and threw open the door. Molly’s eyes widened as she stepped into the room and looked around.

“Wow…” She didn’t know quite what to say as she looked at the transformed room. “You did this all by yourself?”

“Yeah, and now I’m exhausted, but it’s worth it. I called a paint store and paid them extra if they’d deliver everything I needed to paint a room. And they did!” he said happily.

“Wow. They sure did.” Molly looked at the ladder sitting in the middle of the room. “You were on that, alone?”

“Yeah…”

“That’s dangerous, Bill. You could’ve fallen and no one would’ve known.” She crossed her arms and glared at him a bit before he raised his hands in his own defense.

“I’m sorry, you’re right; I was just so excited and I had to do it. I wanted it done before Tom got home.”

“You and your brother must be very close. I don’t see your eyes light up as much as when you’re talking about Tom.”

“You should meet him soon; we’ll have you and Greg over for dinner!” Bill gave a fluttery clap and Molly had to suppress a laugh.

“Okay, why don’t we order lunch? Then we can talk about this color…” She smiled tightly as she threw her arm around Bill’s waist and led him out the door.

“What’s wrong with the color?”

<>

 “I think I could eat pizza for the rest of my life and not care.” Bill hummed, happily as he tore into his fourth piece. Molly had just finished her third as she reached for her fourth and Rhiannon was on the floor with Puppy, shrieking as he wiggled all over her in efforts to lick her face.

“Me too. Rhiannon, don’t get puppy all over you,” Molly said absently as she looked down at her daughter. As futile as it was, she still felt that it was her parental duty to remind her daughter that her purpose in life was not, in fact, to get as dirty as possible. 

“Mommy, can I have a puppy?” the little girl asked with big, hopeful eyes.

“Ask your father,” Molly replied, promptly. Bill looked at her with an eyebrow raised and the redhead shrugged.“I’m always the bad guy; it’s time Greg became the Grinch, too.” She picked off a few toppings and popped them in her mouth. “So, what’s up? How are you feeling?”

“Antsy. I went to see Robert and they pushed back the procedure. Apparently my blood pressure was too high and it was a concern.”

Molly nodded. “It usually is after a trip. So how long did they say you’d wait?”

“A week. I’m anxious and nervous and I wonder if I’m ever going to have low blood pressure. So much stuff is going through my mind. It’s crazy. Sometimes, I feel like laughing and other times, I’m bawling my eyes out. I think I’m concerning Tom. He’s called my therapist a couple of times. Probably for reassurance that I’m not going to wake up and kill everyone in the house in a freak mood swing.”

“Oh please, you’re allowed some mood swings. Let everyone else carry around a bowling ball under their shirt that likes to sit on their bladder and see how cheerful and level they are.” Molly snorted and rolled her eyes.

“Yeah. The designer Oprah hired will be here in a few days to see the nursery, my mother and her baby shower planner will be here the day after to plan the party and I have a doctor’s appointment the day after that.”

“That’s a lot. Remember, you’re supposed to be slowing down, now.” Molly burped and sighed in relief. “That bit of gas has been giving me issues. It was right in my chest, it felt.” She shook her head, happily and looked at Bill. “Don’t overwork yourself.”

“Tom won’t let me do much of anything. And we still have to find a housekeeper. I don’t even know how to look for one.” Bill finished his slice and sighed in relief. The hunger was now gone and Zoe was doing little flips of joy in his abdomen. All was right with the world.

“Dealing with people, no matter how good intentioned they are, when your pregnant, can be overwhelming. When I was pregnant with Rhiannon, my family was all over me. I’m the youngest, so it was the baby, having a baby. Suddenly, I couldn’t lift a finger and everyone was at my beck and call. Sounds great, doesn’t it?”

Bill nodded.

“Yeah, would’ve been if it hadn’t come along with a ‘Give Molly Advice Free’ card. I swear, they told me I should do this like that, and that like this. And they contradicted each other, dailiy. I was either upset or had tears in my eyes. The only time I was happy was when Greg was home because he had no problem kicking my family out.”

“I know the feeling. I don’t really want my mother to come, but then I do. I miss her and her hugs are the best in the world. I’m so scared; everything’s going to change really soon and there’s nothing I can do about it. I’m not even really over the fact that I’m pregnant!”

Molly smiled. “Life goes by fast.”

“Mommy, what’s Puppy doing?”

Both Bill and Molly looked down on the floor to see Puppy enthusiastically humping on Rhiannon’s leg. Bill’s jaw dropped open and Molly sputtered before she collapsed into giggles. “Mommy, he won’t get off…” The child looked up at Bill and Molly in confusion as even Bill joined in with the helpless laughter. “Get him off!” She jerked her leg to get him off, but Puppy just barked and went at it with even more fervor.

“Oh god, why are you doing that? You’re too young! Get off of her, Puppy!” Bill managed to get out, in between bouts of laughter. Molly was crying as she pounded the table with her fist and wiped her eyes. He got up and pulled the ecstatic animal from Rhiannon and almost dropped Puppy at the scowl on her face.

“Why didn’t he listen to me?”

“He’s just a baby, sweetie. He doesn’t know any better,” Molly said, breathlessly.

“I don’t want a puppy anymore.” She shook her head and got up from the floor. “They don’t listen.”

“He’s just a- Wait, what am I doing?” Molly stopped herself and nodded. “No, they don’t really listen. But it’s nice to come visit one, right?”

Rhiannon nodded. “Yes, I’ll come and visit Mister Bill’s puppy. Named Puppy. That’s funny.” She pet the Labrador on the back, gently and smiled; the puppy was almost asleep. “Is it time for his nap?”

“Yes, I think it is.” Bill looked down at Puppy in his arms and yawned himself.

“Sounds like everyone could stand for a nap. Come on Little Monster, I’m going to get you cleaned up and then we’re both going to take a nap. Bill, I’ll see you tomorrow, if you’re not busy. I’m going to sleep so hard… nothing’s better than a bit of shuteye after a good meal.”

Bill nodded and yawned again. “I agree. I’ll see you two later.”

“Bye, Mister Bill! Bye, Puppy!” Rhiannon waved, enthusiastically as Molly stood up and grabbed her other hand. Bill followed the two ladies to the door and waved until he couldn’t see them anymore. He looked down and saw that Puppy lay against his breast, eyes closed and breathing deeply.

“You and me both, Puppy,” he whispered as he closed the doors and trudged upstairs. Bill laid the puppy down on Tom’s side of the bed and stripped down to his boxers and tee shirt before he, too climbed in. The bed dipped a bit and Puppy woke up just enough to stumble over towards Bill’s warmth and fall asleep again. Bill smiled and as he pet Puppy, he fell asleep.

~*~

“Puppy did that?” Bill just laughed as Tom tumbled the small dog over with his hand on the ground.

“I couldn’t believe it. I didn’t know they humped things that young.”

“I didn’t think so either. So, what’s this surprise you wanted to show me?”

“Oh, yeah. Totally forgot. Come on.” He grabbed Tom’s hand and pulled him upstairs. With a flourish Bill presented the room and Tom whistled.

“Wow, who did this?”“I did!” he exclaimed with his hands on his hips.

“Bill, you told me you were going to stop doing things that could be dangerous. Especially with no one else here with you.” Tom tried to frown but Bill wrapped his arms around his neck and kissed him, soundly.

“You don’t like it?”

“I love it! It’s very nice. I like it a lot, what I don’t like is the thought of finding you, on the ground, in pain or worse. But you did very nice,” Tom grudgingly admitted.“Thank you.”

Bill bounced on his feet once and burped, hard. “Oops, excuse me.”

“Smells like pepperoni,” Tom said, idly as he waved his hand in front of his face.

“Yep. There’s some left-over pizza in the kitchen.”

“Awesome, I’m starving. Maybe later you can give me a hand massage? My fingers ache.”

“Poor Tomi. I’ll give you a massage while you eat pizza and we can talk about another color for the room.” Bill cast a glance around, fondly.

Tom frowned. “Okay, but what’s wrong with the color now?”

Bill shrugged. “Apparently the baby’s room can’t be black, no matter how kickass it is.”

"Damn."

Author's Chapter Notes:

Yep! Dedicated to Arianne.

“My baby,” Simone said as she gathered Bill in her arms.

Bill hugged her back tightly and let the familiar scent wash over him, calm him. “I missed you,” he admitted, and rolled his eyes at the misty expression on his mother’s face.

“I missed you, too. Is Tom home?” she asked as Bill moved aside so she could come in.

“No, he’s in Hamburg, at the studio. They’ve got a bunch of work to do.” Bill frowned and glanced outside. “Where’s what’s her name?”

“Her name’s Arianne. She was just… behind me…” Simone turned to look just in time to see a folder soar through the air and land on the lawn. “There she is.”

“Mmm…” Bill didn’t say anything until he saw a short woman with frizzy brown hair scramble across the lawn after her folder. “Why are her pants so high?” he whispered to his mother, with what sounded like concern.

“She’s… eccentric. But she knows how to throw amazing baby showers.”

“If you say so.” Bill put on the brilliant smile reserved for members of the press he didn’t particularly care for and watched the woman power up the walk to the door.

“Simone, I swear. Sometimes clients refuse to listen to me. As if I’m not the professional.” Bill watched her switch off her earpiece and she grinned a charmingly gap-toothed smile. “You must be Bill. I’m Arianne.”

He shook her proffered hand and tore his eyes away from her high waist pants and couldn’t help but think that her style of pants was totally unflattering to her pear shaped body. “Nice to meet you. Uh, nice shoes.” He fought to find something to compliment.

“Thank you. Forties inspired. Aren’t they cute? Why don’t we check out the baby’s room?” Arianne moved into the house and left Simone and Bill in the entrance.

Bill looked at his mother briefly before Simone shrugged. “Just… go with it. She’s a bit eccentric.”

“She’s loony.” He closed the door and sighed. “But whatever; I don’t want to plan a baby shower right now.”

“It’ll be fine; trust me.”

Bill took a deep breath and closed the door. How bad could it really be?

<> 

“Oh, Bill…” Simone resisted the urge to laugh as they looked around the room.

“What?” he asked defensively. “I’m going to change it,” he grumbled.

“A black nursery. I guess all the drinking you do kinda got to you, huh?” Arianne chirped as she spun around slowly.

Simone’s eyes widened as Bill swung his gaze towards his mother, incredulously.

“Wow, just… wow,” he said, too dazed to really object.

“So you still need furniture and everything?” Arianne started to scribble notes on her pad.

“No, actually I’m going to have all the furniture delivered. I just have to get the room repainted before it’s put in.”

“Smart. So all you’ll really need is clothes and supplies? That’s perfect. But with your friends, I’m sure they wouldn’t mind buying you very expensive things.” Arianne looked up from her pad and adjusted her glasses. “Why don’t we look at the rest of the house?” She smiled and walked out of the room.

“Mom… why is she in my house?”

“Because she’s good at getting expectant parents exactly what they need. True, she’s a bit unusual, but just go with it,” Simone said yet again as she rubbed Bill’s arms. He practically purred and nodded; he would’ve said almost anything for his mother to keep the rub going. For some reason he’d woken up with this horrible need for physical contact. Too bad Tom had to leave before he woke up that morning. And Puppy was nice, but he wasn’t human. “Are you okay, sweetie?”

“Yeah. I just, I don’t know.” Bill shrugged helplessly.

“It’s okay; it happens.”

“Hello! Am I to show myself around?”

Bill opened his eyes and looked at his mother. “I’m going to kill her.” Simone kissed him on the cheek and smiled.

~*~

Bill shielded his eyes and had to admit, the ideas Arianne pitched him for an outside party sounded nice. Especially the lanterns she described and the citronella torches; sort of a tiki theme. “Too bad the pool is so small. I guess they don’t pay rock stars as well as they used to, huh?” Arianne said abruptly.

“What?”

“The pool, it’s small.”

“No, it’s not small. It’s just fine, thank you.” Bill crossed his arms the best he could and took a deep breath.

“If you don’t have a problem with it, then it’s fine with me.” Arianne made a few more notations. “I just know-” She stepped around an irate Puppy, “that I expected a better backyard. I guess it’s just me.” Bill stared at the horrible woman and didn’t know whether to laugh or cry. “I’m going to run to the bathroom really quick, alright?

“Okay,” Simone said quickly. Bill watched the woman go into the house and bit his lip.

“I wonder if anyone would really miss her if I kill her and chop her into little pieces.”

Simone laughed. “I don’t know. She’s booked up until six months from now.”

“How does she get business acting like that? I just don’t get it.”

“She’s very efficient and she doesn’t mince words, I guess. Even though… she’s starting to get on my nerves, too,” she admitted.

“At least I’m not alone.” Bill wandered over to the patio and sat heavily in a chair. “That feels good.” He opened his eyes to see Simone staring at him with a smile. “What?” he asked, self consciously.

“You just remind me so much of how it was when I was pregnant. Although, I was way bigger than you at your stage, but with you and your brother fighting to grow in the same space, that’s not really surprising.” She came to sit beside her son and took his hand. “Bill?”

“Yeah, Mom?”

“I just… I want to apologize for stressing you out so much. I know I didn’t do you any favors; you or Zoe.” Simone sighed and shrugged. “I was just so scared, and yes, I know that doesn’t really give me an excuse. You know how high strung I am.”

Bill smiled and squeezed her hand. “Yeah, I know,” he joked back. “It’s in the past. I’m trying really hard not to get so stressed out. I don’t want to see another hospital for as long as possible.”

“Definitely understandable. I can’t wait to hold Zoe in my arms. I know she’ll be perfect. I wonder if she’ll be as chubby as you and your brother.”

“Wait.” Bill shifted in interest, “Tom and I, chubby?”

“Your hands were complete circles. No wrists or neck to speak of. Not to mention ankles. Just round, all around.” Simone laughed as she thought back on the delivery. “The doctor said it was somewhat rare to have twins as heavy as you two. Usually twins are born underweight from having to share everything.”

“Sounds like me and Tom gorged ourselves.”

Simone laughed. “I hadn’t thought of it like that. But if I had to do it again, I’d do it in a heartbeat.”

“Even the ankle swelling, the headaches, the backaches, and the bathroom trips in the middle of the night?” Bill rolled his eyes. “I got up at four and Tom had already left; I just could not get back to sleep.”

“It happens. I had plenty of nights where I felt one of you kick, and that was it; I couldn’t sleep for the rest of the night.”

“And you’d still do it all over again?”

“Especially now.”

“Why?”

“Because I know what great men my sons would turn out to be.”

Bill blinked away the tears as Simone stood up and gave him an awkward hug. “Thanks, Mom.”

“You’re welcome, baby.” She kissed his cheek and held him as best she could.

“Aww, I wish I had a camera.” Mother and son parted to see Arianne staring at them with a small grin.

“You… changed clothes…” Bill didn’t know where to not look; the ballerina flats and stirrup pants, or the button down shirt tucked into said pants and the wide, fluffy hat on her curly brown hair.

“I just swapped some pieces,” the party planner said dismissively. She looked down at her leg as Puppy tried to bite the material of her pants. “Ugh, don’t you have a leash for the mutt?”

“Mom, could you?” Bill got out of the chair as Simone ran over and plucked Puppy from Arianne’s leg. “He’s not a mutt. He just doesn’t like you. Or your outfit. One of them.”

Arianne adjusted her rhinestone glasses and shrugged. “Obviously he doesn’t have taste.”

“Yeah… that’s it.” Bill took his dog from Simone and looked at her with one eyebrow raised. “I don’t know how much more I can take,” he said honestly. Arianne huffed and put her hands on her wide hips.

“Look here, Mister Rock Star. I squeezed you in between clients, I am doing you a favor, you need me. Care to remember that next time you want to get snippy with me?”

<> 

“Bill!”

Arianne’s folder and pad went flying onto the lawn. The party planner ran after her paperwork as Puppy nipped at her heels. “Bill!” Simone tried again but her son would not listen.

“And stay the fuck out! I don’t need you!” Bill bellowed. “Come on, Puppy. Don’t bite her, despite popular belief, crazy is not a flavor.” He walked back into the house as Puppy followed, wagging his tail so hard he almost fell over. Simone stood on the walk with a hand over her mouth.

“Arianne I-”

“Don’t bother trying to convince him that he needs me, he wouldn’t know good help if it wore a nametag. Please take me home,” she said, in clipped tones as she chased down her papers.

“I was about to say that I’m going to say goodbye, then I’ll take you home.” Simone rolled her eyes and walked back to the door. “The car is unlocked, I’ll be out in a moment.”

“Fine.” She looked up as a black, expensive car turned into the driveway. A man got out and he frowned as he began to pick up a few of the stray pages in front of him.

“Uh… who are you and why are you on my lawn?” he asked politely.

“I’m the fucking party planner. Well, I was, until your brother threw me out. In all my professional life, I have not met someone so… unrealistically incapable of taking a bit of constructive criticism.” Arianne stuffed the rest of the pages into her folder and looked around. “I can’t find my glasses.”

Tom stepped forward and they both heard a crunch. He lifted his foot and gingerly removed a pair of frames overly studded with rhinestones. “Um… I think I broke them. There are no lenses in them.” Tom held them out with an apologetic grimace; he couldn’t help but look at her pants. Who still wore stirrup pants?

Arianne snatched her frames and put them on her face. “They’re a fucking affectation!” She huffed and walked to Simone’s car and let herself in. Tom stood there and scratched his head, wondering what just happened.

“Ah, you met Arianne.”

He turned to smile at his mother and gave her a big hug. “Yeah. I think she’s a bit loopy. She’s the shower planner you were telling us about?”

Simone rolled her eyes and groaned. “Yes. I tried to give her the benefit of the doubt, but she’s an idiot. Bill’s kind of pissed at me for bringing her. I don’t really blame him, but I’m the one who has to ride back with her. Tom and Simone turned at the sound of her horn; Arianne was practically resting on it. “I think that’s my cue, but I have a question before I go.”

<> 

Tom let himself into their bathroom and smiled to see Bill in the tub, softly calling his name as he rubbed his stomach. “I’m here,” he said as he closed the door behind him and came to sit on the edge of the tub. “How was your day?”

“I don’t want to talk about it. She was a fucking idiot.” Bill blew his bangs out of his eyes and shifted in the water uncomfortably. “I’m tired, Tom.”

“I know. I spoke to Mom before she left. She asked me why was my room really empty looking.”

Bill’s eyes shot open and he swore. “I didn’t even think to throw some of your stuff in there to make it look like you actually live in there. Shit. What did you say?”

“I told her that you’ve been lonely and we basically camp out in your room. She took it for what it was.” Tom ran his hands through Bill’s damp hair and yawned. “How are you feeling?”

“My stomach has been tight all day; Doctor Robert says it’s normal. Sometimes it will be tight, and sometimes it won’t. And on top of that, I can’t seem to get cool.” Bill fanned himself and moaned. “Tomi Tomi Tomi Tomi Tomi Tomi,” he breathed, like a chant.

“Come on, I’m going to get you out of here, turn on the air as low as it’ll go and I’ll give you a foot massage, okay? Bill couldn’t help but smile a little. “I’ll take that as a yes.”

“I love you, Tom.”

Tom grabbed the large terry cloth towel and smiled. “Yeah, I know.” He held his hand out to Bill and chuckled.

~*~

Bill sighed and finally faced the fact that there wasn’t going to be any more sleep tonight. He swung his feet over the side of the bed and tried not to wake Tom or Puppy as the bed shifted. Tom didn’t stir and Puppy kicked a back leg before he, too, went still.

The house was still and everything was nice and cool. It should’ve been the best sleep in a while, but Zoe continued to kick and generally squirm around. He walked downstairs and thought about some television when he saw the light was still on in the kitchen. Tom must’ve forgotten to turn it off when he got his ice cream before he went to bed.

Bill yawned, still wide awake, and went to turn off the light when he saw a small stack of papers on the table. Curiosity got the better of him and he walked over to see what they were. It turned out to be sheet music, but something was doodled in the margins. It looked like a face… Sometimes, when Tom was really distracted, he’d draw or sketch on the edges of whatever paper was before him. But he’d never seen the detail that was in these faces. They were all little girl faces, in various expressions. Happy or sad, they were all beautiful and Bill realized they looked like he and Tom. It was what Zoe could look like one day.

“I can’t help it. Sometimes I daydream about her.”

He whirled around and smiled at Tom. “They’re really nice,” he mumbled.

“Thanks.” Tom looked a bit embarrassed as he rubbed the back of his neck. “What’s wrong? I woke up and saw you were gone.”

“I couldn’t sleep. I came down stairs and the kitchen light was already on and…”

“And you found what’s been distracting me as of late. Yeah. Can’t get her out of my mind. You and me, in another person.” Tom stepped forward and pulled Bill into his arms. “I love you, you know that?” he asked as his hands rested on Bill’s swollen abdomen.

“Yeah, I do.” Bill closed his eyes at the light massage on his stomach and rested his head on Tom’s shoulder. They swayed together until Tom kissed his hair and cupped his cheek.

“Come on back to bed. I’ll watch television with you until you fall asleep.”

“Are you sure? I can watch TV down here; you have to get up early, don’t you?”

“Bill, I want you comfortable. The bed is the most comfortable and when you fall asleep you’ll already be in bed.” Tom kissed Bill softly, sweetly. “Come back to bed?”

“When you ask so nicely, how can I say no?” Bill chuckled against Tom’s lips and kissed him again.

~*~

“As I’ve said, the tightening is normal. It’s your abdominal walls preparing itself for the eventual push.”

“Push to where?” Bill lifted his head and looked at his doctor over his stomach.

“Well, nowhere, really. But don’t worry; women go through this all the time.” Robert helped Bill sit up and smiled at him. “You’re progressing beautifully and your blood pressure has been right where we’d like to see it, but I’m serious, no more travel.”

 

“I heard you the first four times,” Bill grumbled as he donned his shirt.

“So, how’s sleep?”

“I wake up so easily. It’s frustrating. If it’s not my bladder it’s her,” he said as he poked his stomach gently.

“Perhaps a light work out before you go to bed would help. It’s good for you and the baby and you’ll exhaust yourself,” Robert said as he took a seat.

“I am exhausted when I go to bed. Nothing helps. I’m exhausted now.”

“Well, that’s probably not going to change.”

“Oh,” Bill huffed as he threw his hands in the air, “that’s just wonderful to hear.”

“Well, I’m clearing you for the cesarean in a week; after we deliver Zoe she’ll have to stay in the hospital for observation in an incubator. We’ll have an uphill battle to make sure she’ll be strong enough to survive the outside world, but I’m confident we’ll do it. It just might take some time.”

Bill rubbed his stomach absently as he thought over the doctor’s words. “So, I get the cesarean, she’s put in the incubator for what, a week?”

Robert shook his head. “No, probably longer than that. I can’t give you a time frame because each case is different.”

“What’s the longest time a baby’s been in the hospital after a male pregnancy?”

“Well, I’d say the longest reported was almost four months.”

“Four months!” Bill blinked. He hadn’t expected it to be that long.

“But, Bill you’ll have to understand; complications occurred. I doubt you’ll see that length of time with Zoe.” Robert touched Bill’s shoulder and squeezed gently. “You, too, will be in the hospital for a few days, depending on how you’re doing after the operation. Then you’ll go home before Zoe, but hopefully she’ll be able to join you after a month.”

“A month.” Bill didn’t know how he felt about that, so he just nodded and pretended to listen to Doctor Robert while he rubbed his stomach.

~*~

Stephen smiled. “So, the upcoming procedure?”

“Scares the hell out of me.” Tom exhaled noisily.

~~

“I’m confused; do I want it or do I want to wait?”

“This is the first time I’ve heard you say you might want to wait.” Stephen made some notes. “What brought that on?”

“I don’t know. I’m just… I don’t know.” Bill shrugged helplessly.

“Do you want to talk about your uncertainty?”

~~

“I do, but besides you, I can’t. I could see my mother asking me what did my feelings have to do with anything.”

“Father’s have feelings, too,” Stephen reminded Tom.

“How many of those fathers are not allowed to tell anyone they’re the father? Sometimes I’m okay with it; but then, when someone asks about Bill and then they say Andreas and Bill would make a really nice baby… I get kinda… kinda…

“The word is jealous,” Stephen offered.

“Yeah.” Tom picked with the knee of his jeans. “I’m so scared. I know you keep telling me that we’ll do fine; but it doesn’t feel that way right now.”

“So, what would you do intend to do about that?”

~~

“What do you mean?”

“I mean, when you’re sad you try to do something to cheer yourself up, right?”

“…Right…” Bill tilted his head and gazed at Stephen. “What do you think I should do?”

“Read some parenting books; talk to your parents, your grandparents. They have plenty of experience and have probably seen quite a bit that isn’t in the books. Just make sure you don’t overwhelm yourself with facts and figures. Most of parenting is going by how you feel. If you think your baby needs to be changed, it doesn’t matter if the book says wait half an hour after feeding to check; feel free. It’s your child. You’ll know her better than you think.”

Bill nodded and took a deep breath. It seemed he’d been doing that a lot lately. “Zoe’s been kicking hard today,” he said lowly.

“The life inside of you wants to make herself known.”

“People want to touch my stomach.” Bill made a face. “I don’t let them. Well, that’s not true; sometimes I let them.”

“How do you feel when they smile at you?”

Bill made another face and blushed. “Embarrassed?”

“Why?”

“Because I don’t think I should be happy to be pregnant.”

“Are you happy?”

Bill stopped. “I… kinda am.”

“So why do you think you shouldn’t be happy to be pregnant?” Stephen looked at him with a small smile.

“Because if I am happy I’m pregnant, then everything people say will be true; I am a girl.” Bill swallowed and grabbed for the tissues on the coffee table between them. The therapist leaned forward and handed Bill the box of Kleenex before he went back to his notes. “I’m not a girl,” Bill said again, for emphasis.

“Never thought you were. I just have one question.”

“What’s that?” Bill blew his nose and fanned his face. The heat was out of control that day.

“Since when are you letting what people think influence how you feel?”

Bill paused. “What do you mean?”

Stephen shrugged. “Just what I said. I’ve seen interviews where the host made fun of your clothing, your hair. The music! You’ve told me about the period of your life when you finally found yourself. Why, in the most important instance of your self reliance, are you going to hand over control to people that don’t matter?”

Bill shrugged. “I don’t know.”

“I think you’re going to have to find the will to love your body, exactly the way it is. Right now it’s housing life. That’s not something to be taken lightly. When you feel good, allow yourself to feel good. Guilt shouldn’t stop you from enjoying what you can in this situation.”

Stephen saw Bill shrug and he knew to back off. Time for a new topic. “So, is Tom able to talk to you about Zoe yet?”

~~

“We did. We were in bed, and I kind of just… let it all out. I just lay there and Bill rubbed my scalp just the way I like it and I would’ve had my head in his lap but he doesn’t have much lap left.”

Stephen snorted. “I’m sure. So he didn’t clam up or anything?”

“He didn’t contribute much, but… He didn’t feel like he was pushing me away when I talked about her. He just listened. It was nice.”

~~

“Half of the stuff I didn’t want to listen to. It just hit too close to home and sometimes I don’t want to have to remember I’m pregnant. Maybe I’ll stop trying to escape it just in time to be done with it.” Bill shrugged listlessly.

“I’ll tell you this, most women either love being pregnant or absolutely hate it. You’re not alone and it’s not abnormal. You’ve just got to become comfortable in your own skin.”

“Easier said than done.”

~~

“But I think he’ll get there.” Tom nodded assuredly.

~~

“Maybe you’re right.” Bill burped and clapped his hand over his mouth.

~*~

Bill moaned loudly before it settled into a sigh. “That’s marvelous. Do it again.” It was nighttime and cool again, both twins in bed as they talked to each other until Bill complained about his foot.

Tom smiled and kneaded the sensitive flesh of his twin’s instep as he tried to massage away the swelling. “Better?”

“Oh god, Tomi.”

Tom swallowed and adjusted his pants as the pretty noises Bill made went straight to his dick. “Don’t let it get this bad before you ask for a massage.”

“I’ll try,” Bill said breathlessly as he squirmed around the bed. “That feels so good.”

“Bill? If you’re feeling okay, and it’s okay if you’re not. I mean, I don’t want you to think you have to, but I mean, if you want to, and only if you want to, would you want to?” Tom asked in almost one breath.

Bill blinked and replayed the sentence in his head. “Oh, you want to fool around?” he asked with a devious smile.

“Ugh, you have no idea.” Tom dropped Bill’s foot and crawled up the bed so he could kiss him lazily. Bill moaned into Tom’s mouth when Tom placed a light hand on his breast and thumbed across the nipple. It hardened quickly beneath the thin material of his tee shirt. Bill arched into his touch and whimpered softly. “Shit, you’re so beautiful,” Tom breathed as he broke off the kiss reluctantly.

“I look like you, idiot.” Bill grinned, but his smile faltered as he saw that Tom didn’t smile back. “What’s wrong?”

“Don’t brush off my compliment. You don’t know how good you look. You’ve always glowed to me, Bill. But now… it’s just. Sometimes it’s hard to look at you. That’s how much I want you all the time. God, you drive me crazy.” Tom descended on Bill’s mouth again and kissed him almost greedily. Bill reacted readily, and when Tom pulled away again his eyes were dark with lust.

“Go get the lube,” Bill said huskily. Tom couldn’t scrabble off the bed fast enough. He rummaged around the nightstand and found the familiar white tube. Tom rolled onto the bed and didn’t stop rolling until he felt Bill’s legs. When he sat up, he found Bill looking at him with amusement. “I don’t know if you’re excited or not. You’re just so well at hiding your emotions,” he teased.

“Whatever. I’m about to burst at the seam and you haven’t even touched me…” Tom palmed his considerable erection and hissed at the wonderful feel of thin cotton as it rubbed against his cock. Bill just smiled and lifted his shirt. He hadn’t worn any shorts to bed; he wore as little as possible so he could stay cool and hopefully stay asleep. Tom swallowed as two creamy thighs came into view, followed by an angrily red dick, his own cock leaped in response as Bill spread his legs.

“Be gentle with me, Tomi.” Bill smiled as Tom knelt before him. Tom didn’t say anything as he lowered himself to his stomach and grabbed Bill’s thighs from underneath. “What are you- OH! Oohhh….” Bill moaned lowly as he felt Tom’s tongue on his hole. It felt amazing and his cock jerked as his twin teased the skin right behind his balls. “Oh god, Tomi,” he whimpered.

Tom sucked on the rim and slid his tongue in. He couldn’t remember the last time he did this to Bill, but he couldn’t get over the taste. It was so musky and so distinctly Bill. He sucked hard and was rewarded by a squeal from his little brother as the thighs next to his head tightened involuntarily. Tom wanted this to feel good for Bill so he wouldn’t feel guilty afterwards when he sought his release. He reached up and smeared the bead of precome on the head of Bill’s dick as it welled generously.

“Oh shit, Tomi… Tomi,” Bill moaned and bit his lip; his hips were moving without his conscious thought as Tom fisted his cock steadily. Bill couldn’t help but thrust up into his warm hand; the calluses rubbed against every sensitive spot on his dick and soon he sobbed for his release. “Please, Tomi,” he whimpered as he tossed his head. “Shit, that… that…”

Tom removed his mouth and grabbed the lube, quickly he squirted some onto his hand and pushed a finger into his twin’s tight hole. The heat around his finger almost drove him crazy, as did the amazing sight of watching his finger disappear into his brother. He added a second finger and Bill whimpered and shoved himself onto Tom’s fingers. “Impatient,” Tom said with a chuckle.

“Get in me.”

“God, okay.” Tom curled his finger and couldn’t help but grin at the shriek that came from Bill’s lips. Satisfied, he removed his fingers and quickly divested of his boxers. He grabbed more lube and sighed heavily as he slicked himself up. “You sure?”

“Don’t kill the mood, Tom. Push into me.” Bill looked at him and licked his lips; Tom swore and grabbed his legs.

“I’ll be gentle.” Bill only smiled; they both gasped as Tom pushed into Bill’s tight heat. It took all of his willpower not to shove forward, but soon Bill was fully seated on his cock.

“Oh shit, Tomi,” Bill moaned. “Move.” He flexed his ass and Tom saw white. He fell forward with both hands on either side of Bill’s waist and he pumped forward. “Oh shit, oh shit, oh shit,” Bill groaned before he pulled Tom down for a kiss.

Tom broke away and gasped. He wasn’t going to last long, he could tell. He grabbed Bill’s cock and began to pump it again in time with his thrusts. Apparently Bill couldn’t last long either because after Tom angled his thrust just a bit, upon hitting Bill’s prostate, his twin screamed his name and shook with the force of his climax. Tom groaned and thrust twice more into Bill’s body before he came hard; all his muscles tightened and immediately loosened, and Tom pulled out and fell to the bed with a muffled groan.

“Oh my god, I needed that,” Bill said sleepily.

“You? God, I needed that so badly. You have no idea what you do to me. I mean, walking around with a tight tee shirt, or sometimes no tee shirt…” Tom sighed into the comforter and rolled over to look at his twin. Bill was fast asleep with a small smile on his face and his oversized sleep tee bunched around the top of his stomach. Tom smiled and leaned over to place a kiss on Bill’s belly and smoothed down the tee shirt before he fell asleep snuggled up with his twin.

Author's Chapter Notes:

Sometimes doubt allows us to exaine things closer than we would normally. Sometimes doubt is indeed the answer. Dedicated Arianne, Darcy, Megan Squared (froggy and little muse), Amanda, Rashida, T, Hayley, Tabata, Ida, Kat, and all my girls that keep me slightly less insane. I appreciate you greatly.

“I didn’t know they were going to be done today,” Tom said as he stepped into the nursery. Bill turned to him and smiled happily.

“Isn’t it perfect?” The walls and ceiling were a deep and soothing plum, with a mural of black butterflies in midflight on the wall and on the ceiling just over the crib. The rocking chair, crib, and changing table were ebony wood with plum cushions and dressings.

“I like it, a lot. It doesn’t look girly.” Tom nodded appreciatively as he reached out and touched a butterfly. They were different sizes and made of wood that emerged from the wall like real butterflies.

“News flash, Tom, your daughter will be a girl,” Bill said dryly.

“I know that, he said. “What I mean is, it’s not all pink.” Both twins shuddered at the thought.

“Everything is so much better than I thought it would be.” Bill grinned and eased himself down onto the rocking chair. “This feels nice,” he murmured.

“When you showed me the colors he wanted to use… I didn’t know how to tell you that I thought it might be butt ugly. Dark purple and black?” Tom made a face. “But this… this is really nice,” he said as he nodded slowly.

“Thanks,” Bill replied dryly as he rubbed his stomach. “I think Zoe likes it. too. She hasn’t stopped moving since we got in here.”

“Maybe she’s excited about coming out.”

“How do you feel?”

Tom shrugged. “It doesn’t really matter.”

Bill huffed, and if he could’ve gotten up quickly enough, would’ve kicked his twin in the shin. “Come on, Tom. Stephen told you to stop thinking what you feel doesn’t matter. Besides, I want to know.”

“I’m excited and scared. I’ve been reading this parenting book and-”

“Wait,” Bill said as he held up a hand. “You’ve been reading a parenting book? You never said…”

“I know.” Tom shifted uncomfortably as he leaned against the crib. “I just… I needed to do something, I was going out of my mind.”

“I’m sorry, keep going.” Bill shook his head. “Sorry I interrupted you.”

“It’s okay. Bill, the parenting book is surprisingly easy. Like, you’d be surprised what they have to tell people. Most of it is common sense! I think we can do this!”

“Theory is fine, it’s execution that worries me.” Bill rubbed the arm of rocking chair as he avoided Tom’s gaze.

“Stephen says we can’t worry about things that haven’t happened yet. You think we’ll be shit parents, but the only way we can prove that’s not true is to wait until Zoe gets here.” Tom shrugged. “I’ve had to hold on to that thought to keep from going insane.”

“I don’t think we’ll be shit parents,” Bill mumbled petulantly. Tom rolled his eyes and came to kneel in front of Bill.

“You know what I mean. Look at me, Bill.” His twin rolled his eyes and finally looked up. “I don’t know exactly how we’re going to be as parents, but I feel better that I’m going through this with you instead of some chick. When we do something together, I feel like it can’t fail. I mean, god forbid, if you drop the ball, I’ll be there to pick it up and vice versa. Why would this be any different?”

Bill pulled Tom between his legs and rested his cheek on Tom’s forehead. “What would I do without you?” he whispered.

“Call a cab to take you out for your crazy cravings.” Tom hugged Bill as tightly as he could. “Feel better?”

“Yeah.” Bill nodded and looked up. A plastic bag caught his eye and he frowned. “What’s that?” He pointed.

Tom turned to look and glanced at his twin strangely. “That’s a closet.”

“No, there’s something in the closet.” Bill pushed Tom onto his back playfully and went to open the closet. On the floor of the enclosure were bags and bags of toys. “What’s this?” he asked with a laugh as he turned back to his brother.

“Toys,” Tom said as he shrugged. “I wanted to pick up a few things for Zoe.”

“A few? Tomi, there are more than a few bags here…” Bill sat on the carpet inelegantly and pulled a few bags closer. The telltale pink box made him burst out laughing. “Oh wow… I don’t think I’ve seen so much Barbie stuff in one place outside of a store…”

“I didn’t know what to get, and they just kept suggesting stuff. So I bought it all,” Tom said desperately. “What was I supposed to do? They said that’s what girls like.”

“Not all girls, Tomi.” Bill looked at the countless bags still in the closet and resisted the urge to collapse into laughter. “Um… did you tell them that the little girl wasn’t born yet?”

“No, I forgot.”

“Well, these toys aren’t going to be in use for quite some time. I think we can send these to charity in the meantime. We can always buy more.”

“Okay.”

“And we’ll get some blocks or something. Rattles. And other stuff that babies play with. And educational toys. I want her to be smart, smarter than us,” he said quietly.

Tom frowned. “We’re not exactly idiots, you know.”

“I know, but we’re not geniuses, either. I want her to like school. We’ll make sure that she has a good school where the teachers are nice and listen to the students.” Bill looked down as he rubbed his stomach. “She’ll have a better time than we did.”

“Yeah.” Tom rolled over onto his back and stared up at the ceiling. “So, we still have to buy clothes and everything.”

Bill sighed. “Yeah. I just wanted to relax this week, but it seems like that’s not going to happen.”

“We could always have a baby shower.”

“Why? It’s not like we don’t have the money to get things ourselves. Why bother?”

“Mom said that a baby shower isn’t about money. It’s about everyone that will be important in the baby’s life; they get to buy things the baby will use so they know they’re loved.”

Bill stared at the toys in front of him and nodded slowly. “That sounds really nice,” he murmured.

“Yeah. I thought so.”

“But I don’t have any energy to plan anything.”

“I’ll take care of it.”

“You?” Bill turned around incredulously.

Tom sat up and glared at his twin playfully. “I can plan a party, you know.”

“This coming from the guy who kept saying, ‘whatever you want, Bill’ when we were planning our eighteenth birthday party.”

“That was different. I really didn’t care what you did, as long as I got to unwrap my present that night.” Bill blushed and looked away. “I’ll handle it, Bill. Don’t worry about it.”

“If you say so. I think I’m going to go downstairs and eat that cheesecake and go to bed. I’ve been so tired lately,” he murmured. Tom got up and helped pull Bill to his feet. “I’ll see you later.”

Tom kissed him briefly and watched his brother waddle out of the room before he pulled out his phone and flipped through to the right number and pressed call. After two rings the person picked up and he swallowed. “Hi. I need your help.”

~*~

“Thanks for coming with me,” Bill said as he looked down the hall.

“No problem. Are you sure you want to do this?” Molly asked as she put her magazine down. She didn’t understand why all doctor’s offices and hospitals were required to keep magazines for years without new issues.

“I’ve got to know what I’ll be in for.” Bill fidgeted and waited for Doctor Carson. He was a highly recommended neonatologist that Doctor Robert personally knew and respected. The doctor agreed to give Bill a tour and a brief rundown of what to expect after the delivery.

“Mister Bill Kaulitz?” Both he and Molly looked up at a short man with a pleasant smile on his face. “I’m Doctor Carson, Robert said you needed a tour of the NICU?”

“Yes, I just…” Bill faltered and cleared his throat. “I wanted to know what was in store for Zoe.”

“No problem. You’re in the unique position of knowing beforehand that your baby will require care from the NICU. Most parents have that unfortunate occurrence sprung upon them at delivery. I guess we can start with the basics. The Neonatal Intensive Care Unit is not open to the general public, and we take many steps to avoid the transmission of infection. Parents are encouraged to come see their children; studies show that skin to skin contact, talking to the baby, and generally being there really helps pull the children through.”

“So I would be able to hold her?” Bill asked as they started down the hall.

“Every case is different. If in your case it seems fine for the baby, then we strongly suggest you do so. Everything we do is geared towards making sure that our premature children have the best foot forward. Children that are born premature often have disabilities later in life; here we try our hardest to keep them healthy children.”

“So how long should we expect Zoe to have to stay?” Molly asked as she took Bill’s hand. He looked a bit bowled over and they had yet to even see anything.

“Each case is different; I think it would be cruel and unethical to quote a timeframe. The subtleties of neonatal care are complex and varied.”

“So basically, you don’t know,” Bill intoned as they turned the corner.

“No, we just do our best to keep the babies alive. Here we are, the observation window. When the family wants to view the child we bring them here. That way we can reduce the spread of infection, but allow the family outside of the parents to feel connected to their new family member.” Doctor Carson smiled a few nurses that waved his way and turned back to Bill and Molly. Both looked about ready to burst into tears. “It is a bit of a shock, when you’re first introduced to the NICU, but know that this is a place for life, we try our hardest to give these children a chance to live, and live to their fullest.”

Bill watched a tiny, almost translucent baby move her arms weakly. “What is that thing she’s in?”

“It’s an infant care bed. It allows us to stabilize the baby’s temperature so that they can use their energy towards gaining weight and getting healthier. Unfortunately that is most of what a baby does when their first born. For the first months of their lives they’re wrapped in the perfectly heated of their mother’s uterus, or,” Doctor Carson said hastily, gesturing to Bill, “father’s uterus. I apologize, it takes some getting used to.”

“You have no idea,” Bill murmured.

“I’m sure I don’t. But many of our sensors are connected to the bed and we’re able to collect data needed to ensure they’re watched properly with noninvasive procedures compared with a few years ago. Not as much blood drawn, less trauma for the child and for the parents. No one wants to see their child constantly prodded for blood.”

“No, I suppose not. So, Robert told you that I would be getting a cesarean in a few days. I am only six months along. What are my chances?”

“Well, as a male pregnancy, your child-”

“Zoe,” Bill interrupted quietly. “Please call her Zoe.”

“Zoe.” Doctor Carson nodded. “Zoe will be in a full incubator until we’re sure she can breathe on her own. Male pregnancies have a higher rate of death among premature babies. I do believe there have been only two carried to full term. Her appearance will be a bit jarring, but she’ll get stronger. Once she’s nice and stable, and most important, healthy, we’ll send her home with you.” A nurse tapped on the glass and Doctor Carson nodded. “I’ve got to go. If you need to see me again for any reason, here’s my card.” He pulled out a business card and gave it to Bill.

Bill nodded. “Thank you, Doctor.”

“Yes, thank you for seeing us.” Molly smiled and shook his hand and they both watched Doctor Carson rush into the NICU. She looked over at Bill and patted his shoulder. “Hey, I know this is difficult, but it’s what has to be, right? If Zoe is anything like her father, I’m sure she’ll pull through.”

Bill stared at the fragile looking little girl and sighed. His heart ached and it wasn’t even his baby. “Do you think she’ll look like that?” he asked quietly.

Molly shrugged. “Who can say?”

“Apparently no one can say. No one can really answer my question. Too many variables,” Bill mocked angrily. “I just want a straight answer.”

“No, Bill. You want a guarantee. No one can give you that. Too many things can go wrong, too many worst case scenarios have turned around for full recoveries. Its just touch and go.”

“Do you really believe that?” Bill turned to Molly seriously.

“Yes.”

“How can you accept that?”

“I had to. After two miscarriages I thought I was going to go insane. I blamed myself, I blamed everyone else… I had to find some reason as to why my babies didn’t survive and other women got to go home with theirs. Life and death is not fair for anyone involved. I know.”

“I’m sorry. I forgot you went through something far worse.”

“It’s not about what’s worse or better. Facing the prospect that your child might not be as healthy as you want is scary for everyone. It doesn’t matter if it was a false alarm or a true health scare. It hits everyone and it’s fucking unfair.”

“Yeah.”

Molly sighed and leaned against the glass. “Come on Kaulitz. You look like you could use a drink. I know we can’t, so I’ll buy you lunch, the next best thing.”

Bill didn’t think he could eat, but the low grumble from his stomach proved otherwise. “I think Zoe might be a bit hungry.”

“Well, can’t keep her waiting, now can we?”

Bill spared one more look in the window and at the tiny child as she held on to a nurse’s finger. “I guess not.”

~*~

“You’re an idiot.”

“I am. I don’t pretend that I’m not.” Georg shrugged and looked at Gustav with hooded eyes. They were in the studio apartment in Hamburg, just the two of them. They were in the middle of a silly conversation in the middle of the night, one of the best times to have a silly conversation with Gustav, because then he would participate.

“I like this,” the blond said suddenly. Georg smiled and rolled closer.

“Good. So do I.” The bassist watched Gustav’s face and nudged his cheek with a finger gently. “What are you thinking about?”

“What?” Gustav turned and shrugged. “The new album, if we’re going to have to rerecord the third track yet again, and Bill. He’s going to deliver in less than a week. I couldn’t imagine being him.”

“Personally, I couldn’t imagine you pregnant,” Georg laughed. “I wonder who she’ll be more like, Bill or Tom?”

“What about Andreas?” Gustav asked curiously.

“I’m not sure she’ll have a chance to pick up too many habits of Andreas’s. Not with Bill and Tom being who they are. They’re both really… out there, you know? She’ll be bombarded with that in the early stages of her life and she won’t have a chance to be normal like Andreas. Nope, my bet is on her getting most of her personality from one of the twins. Could you imagine? If Tom had his way he’d be proudly presenting a little thug princess.” Georg laughed.

“Oh god, I’m sure that would make him happy. But either way she’s going to be a princess…” Gustav trailed off in horror. “If she turns out like Bill she’s going to put her little hand on her hip and pout and get her way and Saki will never be able to say no to her. Ever. I mean, hell, he has a hard time saying no to Bill now.” Gustav snorted. “That’s why he usually does it over the phone.”

“She’s going to have a lot of leather.”

“And hats. Tom will want to get her into hats early.”

“I suddenly feel really bad for her now.” Georg shuddered and yawned. “Poor kid. We’ll have to babysit her so she can have some sort of normal influence in her life.

“We could use her to pick up chicks.”

“I like the way your mind thinks, Schafer.”

The drummer laughed. “I wonder what type of kids I’ll have.”

“You want kids?” Georg was somewhat surprised; he wouldn’t have pegged Gustav for a family man.

“Oh yeah, always have. Settle down with a Swiss Miss with a bright smile and can cook. Someone who’s quiet and knows when to leave me alone. Then a couple of kids that look like her and me, but mostly her. Hopefully she’ll know me as well as you do.”

“Yeah. I don’t think that’s possible.” Georg laughed weakly, suddenly feeling cold in the middle of summer.

“You know, I’ve wanted to tell you something for a while. At first… when I finally told you how I felt… I was crushed when you said you only wanted this to be casual. I thought I wanted this to be forever, just you and me.”

“And now?” Georg managed to get out.

“Now, I’m perfectly happy the way we are. I know we’ll move on eventually, but I had more than fun. I was right, I did love you, but most of that was… I don’t know. You know?”

“Yeah. I mean, I guess we couldn’t expect this to be forever,” he whispered.

“Exactly.” Gustav yawned and rolled over. “Night,” he murmured as Georg stared at his back.

“…Night.” Georg rolled onto his back and stared at the ceiling, cursing the day he ever said that. “Would you change your mind if I told you I changed mine?” he asked hesitantly.

Only Gustav’s low snores responded.

~*~

“Mom, as much as I love spending time with you, I’m actually tired. I want to go home and climb into bed.” Bill burped and grimaced. “I’m exhausted and I am tired of holding in the gas,” he muttered.

Simone smiled. “God, I remember that. I wouldn’t wish it on anyone. But at least you can say it won’t be for much longer.” She glanced at her phone.

“Yeah, I guess…” Bill didn’t really feel like talking about the C Section, or anything else for that matter. Tom had been absent for the past day and a half and he could not help but think that now wasn’t the right time for him to disappear on him. Not when everything was about to crash down on them in three days.

“Do you want to take the rest of your salad home?” Simone asked as she watched Bill move the lettuce around the plate disinterestedly.

“No, not really.”

She looked at her phone and smiled. “Okay, well, let’s go then.”

Bill looked up at his mother’s abrupt turn of mood. For the past hour she had desperately tried to get him to stay; first an impromptu shopping session that had to be aborted because they were being followed, and then lunch in a quiet, albeit very good, café. The conversation was nice and the mood light, but Bill caught a glimpse of a music store with a window full of guitars and he became moody. None of Simone’s gentle tugs for Bill to talk to him would make him budge, so she backed off.

The trip back to the house was quiet, and Bill leaned his head against the window and felt himself slowly pulled towards slumber. He was just so tired; no one seemed to understand how tired he was. It felt like he just closed his eyes to blink when Simone nudged him gently. “Hey, honey. We’re back.”

“Oh,” he said as he surreptitiously wiped his mouth. Bill yawned and followed his mother to the door and handed her the key to unlock it.

“SURPRISE!”

Bill gasped and choked on what seemed like air. Everyone was there, with silly black and plum hats and wide smiles. There was a stack of similar colored presents piled high in the corner.

“What is this?” he asked shakily.

“A baby shower, silly. What did you think it was?” Tom shoved David playfully to get to Bill, who was still looking around in a daze. Everything was done in the theme of the nursery colors.

“You did this?” he asked, quietly. Was this what Tom had been up to?

“Not by myself.”

“Dude, you know Tom can’t tie his shoes without someone coaching him over his shoulder,” Andreas said with a smirk.

Tom flipped him off good naturedly and shrugged. “That’s not true. They can be across the room, as long as they reinforce it with hand gestures.”

“So, how?” Bill looked over at his mother, who shook her head quickly.

“No, not me. My job was to keep you away for a few hours,” she said with a laugh. “Almost couldn’t do that!”

Mara stepped forward shyly with a party hat and a hesitant smile. “I… I saw the colors of the nursery and thought since you liked them so much, we would incorporate them into the party colors, and favors. I even managed to find some black wrapping paper and I used purple ribbon so all the presents could look the same and stay in theme. We’ve got all your favorite food, and plenty of cheesecake.” Mara’s voice broke slightly, but she took a deep breath and continued. “So, if you’d allow me to stay, I’d like to make sure you have a really nice baby shower.”

Bill blinked and looked at the party hat in her outstretched hands and blinked back a few tears. “I think I’d like that.” He took the hat and put it on. “Now, I want something to eat. Like, cheese sticks dipped in peanut butter.”

Everybody grimaced.

~*~

Bill held up the itty bitty striped shirt that had DIVA written in shiny letters and choked back tears. “Oh, this is beautiful!” He squealed, “and matching pants!” Bill held them up proudly as everyone fawned appropriately. So many clothes, and such good ones, too. Zoe was going to be one well dressed baby. “Where did you guys find these?” he asked as he put the outfits back in the box and set the present aside. Tom rolled his eyes as Bill made grabby hands for the next one.

“Actually, Mara told us about this website called Rockerbabies.com and we just placed an order and rushed it,” David said as he leaned over the couch. “We knew you had the nursery finished, so we thought we’d get you plenty of clothes and toys.”

“It’s perfect, really.” The present on what was left of his lap had a tag, with Saki’s careful block lettering. Bill looked up at the bodyguard and tried not to laugh at the party hat perched atop the large man’s head at a slight angle. It was a long, thin box, and Bill couldn’t figure out what it was before he opened it. He ripped through the pretty paper and his eyebrows furrowed at the manila folder that rested at the bottom of the box. “What is this?” Bill asked curiously, as he looked up at Saki.

“Open it.”

Tom leaned over his shoulder as he did so, and inside the folder was a picture of a pleasant looking woman. She looked a little younger than Simone and Mara, and beneath the picture was a list of references and a list of credentials and skills. “Oh…” Tom trailed off. “Is she-”

“-Your new housekeeper and nanny, yes. She is a close friend of mine who was in my business but decided if she really had to babysit, she’d rather work with children.” Saki nodded gravely. “You need her.”

“Yes, we do…” Bill sniffed and wiped his eyes. “This is so sweet, Saki. Thanks!” He wiped his face on Tom’s shirt amongst laughter.

David and Jorg smiled. “We paid her for the year, something you don’t have to deal with right now,” Jorg said as he smiled. “A little extra gift from David, Saki, and I.”

“Wow, I don’t know what to say…” Bill said softly.

“Bill Kaulitz, speechless? I’m shocked,” Gordon joked. Bill sniffed again and smiled.

“It’s just really nice. I love everyone and I’m so glad you’re here,” he said as he started to cry all over again. Tom’s smile froze and he glanced at his mother, concerned.

“Well, it seems that hormones have taken over,” Molly said brightly as she took the folder that Bill was currently crying a river on. “Why don’t we all get some dessert and let Bill catch his breath?”

Tom turned around and began to shove people towards the kitchen as they grumbled good naturedly. “Are you okay, Bill?” he asked quietly as he crouched in front of him. Bill wailed and threw his arms around Tom’s neck and held on tight as he sobbed into his shirt. Tom looked at Molly and his mother for help.

“This might just be a bit much for Bill right now. Why don’t you take him upstairs?” Simone said softly. “We’ll come say goodbye before we go.”

“Yeah. And we’ll make sure the place is cleaned up,” Molly said as she touched Bill’s shoulder. “It’s going to be alright.”

“I’m happy and I can’t stop crying,” he whimpered against Tom’s shoulder. “This is so crazy!”

“No, it’s the wonderful world of hormones. Go upstairs and relax. We’ll tell everybody what happened.” Simone kissed both her boys on the temple. “Take care of him, Tom.”

“Always, Mom.” Tom looked deadly seriously when he spoke those words, and Simone nodded back. She knew Bill was in good hands.

~*~

Tom rolled over and squinted in the dim light. “Bill, what are you doing?” he asked, voice full of sleep. Bill looked up from the open bag at the foot of the bed and shrugged.

“Can’t sleep. I thought I’d go ahead and pack my hospital bag,” he whispered as he moved towards the dresser and pulled out a few more pairs of pajamas. “It’s the day after tomorrow…”

The dreadlocked teen was now awake, and switched on the lamp next to him. “How long have you been up?” he asked after he yawned and slipped from beneath the covers.

“About an hour or so. I finished off the last of the peanut butter and cheese. I know you’re devastated because you didn’t get any.” Bill smiled and accepted the kiss from Tom as he rubbed his shoulders.

“So hurt. I think I’m going to go drown myself in the pool.”

“Let me know when you do; the first pictures of your dead body would be worth a lot. I could use the money to put Zoe through college, but I’d probably spend it all on make up or something.”

“Probably,” Tom agreed as he looked down in the bag. “Not much in there, really.”

“I don’t know what to bring. I keep changing my mind. Do you think I need both iPods?” he asked warily. Tom kissed his cheek and stepped up behind him to hug him close. Bill melted in the embrace and released a shaky breath as Tom rubbed his stomach soothingly. Already his eyelids were about to droop. “You always know what to do,” Bill whispered. “You’ve got to promise me you’ll keep that up after the baby’s born.”

“Rubbing your stomach?”

“No, knowing what to do.”

“Bill, it’s going to be okay.”

“Yeah. So everyone says,” Bill murmured as he stared at his half empty bag.

~*~

“Number five scalpel. Thank you.”

Bill tried to remain calm as he stared at Tom’s face and the blue partition that kept him from seeing his body split open and Zoe pulled out, a bloody and too tiny baby. He was numb from the chest down; he couldn’t feel his legs and that scared him more than anything.

“Remain calm, Bill. You’re doing fine.”

“Okay,” he said shakily.

“You’re doing fine,” Tom said as he leaned in close to press their foreheads together.

“I can’t feel anything, Tomi,” Bill whispered.

“I think that’s the point,” he said sardonically.

“Right.” Bill took a deep breath and nodded. “What does it look like?”

“I’m not looking over the sheet,” Tom said as he shook his head vehemently. “I don’t think I could stay conscious if I do that.”

“If you faint, I’ll kill you, Tom,” Bill gritted. They both stopped their bickering at the sound of the doctor’s voice.

“Sac is open. Nurse, could you-”

“…Doctor, we have the incubator ready.”

“She’s not breathing-”

“Tomi, what’s going on?” Bill asked, straining to hear. “I can’t hear her cry, they told me to listen for her crying… why can’t I hear her crying?” He watched Tom stand up so he could see over the partition. Bill watched his twin go pale and he began to panic. “What’s wrong, Tomi?”

“Blood pressure spiking. Doctor, he’s going into… where is that blood coming from?” the nurse demanded.

Spots danced before Bill’s eyes as he tried to remain awake. “Why can’t I hear her crying?” he asked woozily. Tom was beside his head again, kissing his forehead fearfully and saying something he couldn’t understand. He couldn’t hear much of anything anymore, even though he tried to fight to stay awake. The doctor told him it was important to stay awake…

…losing him…

…she’s dying…

…stop the bleeding…

…he’s dying…

…we cannot save-

Bill opened his eyes and gasped. The pretty nurse smiled down at him as she raised the partition. “Are you with us? It seems like you dozed off,” she said with a smile. “We need for you to stay awake.”

Tom snorted next to him. “Sounds like Bill,” he said, but his voice was strained. Bill looked around quickly and realized the surgery had not started yet. His mouth felt cottony and he couldn’t swallow around the lump of terror and grief to actually speak, to tell them that he’s having difficulty staying awake. Doctor Robert came up to his other side and smiled, dressed in dark green scrubs.

“Okay, Bill. Let’s bring Zoe into the world, shall we?”

Bill swallowed quickly and shook his head. “No!” he croaked vehemently.

“Doctor, his blood pressure is through the roof, we can’t operate. There’s something wrong-

That was the last thing Bill heard as he slipped into oblivion.

 

Chapter End Notes:

Last, but certainly not least, I'd like to thank my reviewers. WIthout you I wouldn't know what anyone thought of the story!

Author's Chapter Notes:

Sometimes, yes. If it's for the better.

Bill opened his eyes and immediately looked down at his stomach. He was still pregnant. Zoe was still alive, and so was he. The nightmare was just that, a nightmare. “Tomi?” he croaked and looked around the hospital room. He heard the toilet flush and Tom emerged a minute later, drying his hands on a paper towel. “Tomi!”

“Bill, you’re awake!” Tom smiled and grabbed Bill’s hand. “You scared the hell out of a lot of people,” he said shakily.

“What happened?”

“You had a bad reaction to the anesthesia and your blood pressure went through the roof.”

“What does that mean?” Bill frowned.

“It means you might have toxemia, or it could be the stress of the situation.” The twins turned to the new voice in the room. Doctor Robert closed the door and gave them both a strained smile. “You worried me there for a moment, Bill.”

“I was worried, myself, to be honest. What’s toxemia?” Bill asked, and Tom tightened his grip on his hand.

“Its dangerously high blood pressure while pregnant. It usually only lasts the duration of the pregnancy and is highly dangerous to both parent and child.”

“So, how can we test to see if he has it? And will that affect the surgery date?” Tom tried to remain calm, but the image of seeing his twin lying there, so pale… it took a lot out of him.

“It might, but surgery is definitely scrubbed for today. We’ll need to do some tests. We picked up the spike in pressure right when you woke up the first time, what were thinking right then, Bill?”

“I… I went through the whole surgery… I couldn’t see anything beyond that stupid partition… and it went wrong. All I could hear was yelling and Zoe was dying… I started to feel dizzy and I saw spots, and Tom was there and was… he was crying because he stood up to see what happened, I think, and I just… I faded away…” Tears were spilling down Bill’s cheeks as he remembered the fear and despair he felt when the doctor said that they were losing Zoe.

“Um…” Tom swallowed and wiped a some tears from his twin’s cheek. “How accurate could that be?” he asked after a moment.

Robert frowned and clutched Bill’s chart tightly in his hand. “Well… we have a fifty percent chance, of it happening like you saw,” he said quietly. “I would suggest we don’t reschedule the surgery until the tests are done. We’ve got to give you both the best chance we can.”

“If I wait longer, would Zoe have a better chance?” Bill looked at the doctor calmly. “If I wait until full term, or as close as I can, it would give her a better chance, right?”

Robert nodded slowly. “Yes, but we still have to test for toxemia; if you do indeed have it, then you’re putting yourself in danger the longer you carry. I think an informed decision needs to be made in my office, after a check up. I am very glad that you’re thinking of waiting, but I’ve got not just one patient, but two.”

“Only one really matters, doctor.”

Tom looked at his brother incredulously and turned back to the doctor. “It doesn’t have to be that way, does it? One or the other?” he asked desperately.

“I don’t think it will come to that, I truly don’t. But I won’t make any guarantees.” Robert made a few notations on Bill’s chart and sighed. “You seem alert and lucid; you may go home in a couple of hours, I just want to make sure there is no heaviness of your limbs. Sometimes that crops up later than expected and that means that your aversion was worse than previously thought. Get some rest, I’ll be back through later.”

Bill nodded and looked up at Tom’s face. “What, why are you looking at me like that?”

Tom sputtered and rose from the bed to pace. “Why wouldn’t I look at you like this? You basically said you don’t matter!”

“If it means Zoe is safe, then no, I don’t.”

Tom stopped. “How can you be calm and say something like that?”

Bill shrugged and sighed. “I guess while I was knocked out my priorities changed.”

“Bill, just don’t talk like that anymore. It’s going to be fine, and you can just stop talking about shit that’ll never happen.” Tom nodded quickly.

“I’m not saying that it will happen, but we’ve got to face facts. Sometimes men don’t pull through. We’ve got to-”

“No.” Tom shook his head and sat on the edge of Bill’s bed. “You’ll pull through. Zoe’ll pull through. Everything’s going to be fine,” he said firmly.

Bill looked at his twin and smiled softly. “Okay.”

“Okay?”

“Okay.”

Tom smiled and kissed him softly. Bill could feel the reassurance in the kiss, but he couldn’t tell who it was for, him or Tom.

~*~

“I pack ahead of time and it turns out I don’t need it,” Bill grumbled good-naturedly.

“Well, if it makes you feel any better, we still have that white chocolate raspberry truffle cheesecake in the refrigerator. We can finish it off when we get home.”

Bill looked sheepish. “No, we don’t. I finished it off.”

“Bill! I really wanted a piece!” Tom grumbled as he pressed the button for the elevator.

“I’m sorry.”

“Whatever, we can order another,” he said as they climbed aboard.

“Is Saki waiting for us?” Bill asked as he yawned loudly.

“No, the paparazzi aren’t allowed on the hospital grounds. So it’ll be easy for us to get home.”

“Tomi?”

“Hmm?” He turned to his brother, expectantly.

“I’m sorry.” Bill had the good grace to look embarrassed.

“What fo- oh shit!” Tom gagged and covered his nose. “Fuck, Bill, what’d you eat?!”

“I said I was sorry, geez.” Bill rolled his eyes. Tom wanted to retort, but decided against it.

He didn’t want it to get in his mouth.

The doors finally opened and they were released on the ground floor. Halfway to the exit flashbulbs erupted in light and Tom gasped. “They’re right fucking there!” he cried angrily. At least twenty photographers were camped out at the entrance, right in front of the welcome sign. “Hey, I thought they couldn’t be on hospital grounds,” Tom asked a security guard standing at his post.

“We’ve already called the police. They said they can’t do anything until they cause any problems for patients exiting or arriving at the hospital.”

Tom gaped at the man until Bill grabbed his arm and pulled him back. “Tom, calm down; you looked like you wanted to hit that guy.”

“I did,” he fumed. “Fuck, if I’d known it would be like this, I would’ve taken Saki up on his offer!”

“We can just rush through the crowd, it should be fine,” Bill suggested, lamely.

“I’m not taking you out in the middle of that. Someone could bump you and then I’d really have to kill someone.” Tom rubbed his forehead and thought.

“Where’s the car?”

“Out in the front parking lot. Behind the reporters.”

“Why don’t we go out the back? Maybe the service entrance?”

“I wouldn’t if I were you, they’re camped out there, too.” The twins turned to the security guard. “Sorry,” he said apologetically.

“Well, shit.” Tom threw a glance at the exit and cameras flashed again. “Lets get away from here, I don’t want them taking anymore pictures, the fuckers.”

“Calm down, Tom; just call Saki.” Bill tried to hide the yawn behind his hands but failed.

“They’re in Hamburg, Bill. It would be hours before they got here.”

“How about the parking garage? You can go bring the car around and we’ll get out that way,” Bill suggested.

“That sounds good. I don’t care if I have to wade through them. You can wait here, or by the entrance. There’s a security guard in a booth; he can keep an eye out and if you see anyone, you can get back in here quickly.”

“Okay.” Bill nodded. “I’ll go wait, you go get the car.”

“Okay.” Tom made a face and walked towards the entrance. The automatic doors opened, and immediately Bill could hear the questions and the clicks of the flashes. He waited until everyone’s attention was on Tom, before he went back to the elevators. A quick trip to the floor below, and Bill was in the nicely cool, Parking Level 1. It was quiet and almost deserted.

He glanced around and saw the lights of the security booth; the man inside had his eyes trained on a small portable television, and was sipping a cup of coffee. Bill rolled his eyes and sat down on the bench next to the elevators and exhaled noisily. “Stop moving, Zoe,” he murmured as he rubbed his stomach. “Go to sleep.”

Speaking of sleep, he couldn’t stop yawning, and each one felt better than the last until he leaned his head back and rested against the wall. Bill couldn’t even bring himself to be concerned about what the wall was putting on his hair. All he wanted was his bed, his pillows, and his Tomi. Patience was a virtue that Bill never got the hang of. Zoe gave a particularly painful kick and he hissed and rubbed the stop firmly. “Go to sleep,” he whined.

He heard movement off to the left and cracked open one eye. A man was walking up to the elevator and stopped to stare at Bill. It didn’t bother him at first, but the man came closer and suddenly Bill realized how vulnerable he was in his current condition.

“Bill Kaulitz?”

He swallowed and nodded. “Yeah, that’s me.”

“Shit, I thought you might be here, but I wasn’t sure. This is just so awesome!” The man was older, probably around David’s age, and he looked truly ecstatic to see him.

“You’re a fan?” Bill asked patiently.

“Oh, no. No mere fan. I’m your biggestfan,” the man scoffed. “I’ve been to all your concerts here in Germany, and most of the shows in the last European tour.”

“Well, we appreciate your support,” Bill said uneasily.

“I have wanted to meet you for so long. I don’t really qualify for the meet and greets, they think I’m too old. But who can let something as small as age stop you when you’re trying to meet your idol?”

“I’m your idol?” Bill shifted uncomfortably as the man stepped closer.

“Oh yes! You’re beautiful, and funny, smart, and so very talented. I gotta tell you, I have more than a little crush on you,” the man said conspiratorially.

 “That’s nice. Um… I’m kind of tired right now, it’s been a long day and all.”

“Right! Zoe, is she okay?”