What Is In a Name?

A young couple I know has been trying to choose a name for their child, which will arrive soon. It hasn’t been easy.

They don’t want to name their baby after a relative, a famous person or themselves. They want something distinctive, but not unusual. They ask if I had any suggestions, since I went through the same thing a couple of times. When my first son was born, and I saw how big he was, I wanted to name him Bronko. With the name of Bronko he would probably get in high position on an American football team, get through college free and make a lot of money. But instead of Bronko, he was called David. David is a fine name. It doesn’t have any mud or coal dust on it. It’s a clean, refined, sensitive name.

So what happened to me firstborn. There he stands today, about 6,5 feet high, huge arms, strong back, and not once in his life has he ever knocked anybody unconscious. Instead he’s a shrink, a musician and a scholar. As I explained to that couple, his name helped his career.

Then they showed me one of those books of names to help parents make a choice. “It even has a list of the most popular names today”, the husband said, “and a list of the names that were popular years ago, when you were a kid”. I looked at the list and wasn’t surprised. Everybody I know has a kid with a trendy name.

Girls are being named Heather, Jennifer, Jessica, Kimberly, Allison and Melissa. Boys are being named Jason, Joshua, Christopher, Scott, Mark, Jeffrey.

When I was a kid, I didn’t know anybody named Heather or Joshua. In my neighbourhood, boys had solid, work-manlike names: Stanley, Walter, Albert, Henry or Joe. Girls had in-the-kitchen names like Mildred, Dorothy, Helen, Eleanor, Bertha and Gertrude. So I suggested that they go for an old-fashioned name, maybe Gertrude, so they could call her Gert. “I’m not going to name my daughter Gert”, the woman said. “That’s awful”. I suggested Phoebe. But they didn’t like that any better. “If it’s a girl”, the husband said, “I’m leaning toward Lisa”. I warned them that by the year 2000, one out of every five young females in America would be named Lisa. And they would all marry guys named Mark. Better to call her Pearl, so she’ll stand out. And if it’s a boy, Elmer. “Elmer,” she cried, “That’s horrible”.

As I was leaving, they were pondering Samantha. The wife said: “We could call her Sam. That’s cute”. I told them that if they wanted to give her a man’s name, why not just call her Horace and be done with it.

A name choice is a serious matter, and many people have been embarrassed by the label they’re stuck with. I’m sure people remember the famous case of Joe Crapp, who went to court to get his name changed.

The judge said: “I don’t blame you for wanting a new name, Joe. What have you chosen?” And Joe Crapp responded: “I want my name changed to John Grapp. I’m tired of people always saying: “Whaddaya know, Joe?”

by Mike Royko

c) 1. Is it difficult to choose a name for a child? 2. What will you call your children? Why? 3. Is it normal to name a child after a famous person (a dead relative)? 4. How do you understand the word “trendy name”? Can you give an example of Russian “trendy name”? 5. How important do you think a good name is for pop and film stars? 6. How important is a good name for commercial products like shampoo, soap, cars or cigars? Can you think of any examples of names which have ruined a product’s success?

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