EXPRESSING GRATITUDE AND RESPONDING TO EXPRESSIONS OF GRATITUDE

57

Expressing gratitude and responding to expressions of gratitude

57.1Expressing gratitude

In Chinese culture, you thank others for actions that benefit you or show you respect. Such actions include doing something for you, taking the time to visit or write you, or helping you in some way. In Chinese culture, you do not thank others for compliments or invitations.

Í54

57.1.1Direct expressions of thanks

Gratitude is expressed in Chinese with the following expressions:

/ xièxiè ‘thank you’

!"#!"#

Xièxiè nm bpng wn máng.

Thank you for helping me.

/ gKnxiè ‘gratefully thank; appreciate’

!"#$%&!"#$%&

Fqicháng gKnxiè nín de jiànyì.

I greatly appreciate your suggestions.

!/ ! biKoshì gKnxiè ‘to express thanks’

!"#$%&'()*+,-*!"#$%&'()*+,-*

Zhè dikn xiko lmwù bikoshì wnmen de gKnxiè. Qmng xiàonà.

This little gift expresses our thanks. Please accept our humble gift.

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Replying to expressions of gratitude

57.2

/ dàoxiè ‘to thank, to express thanks’

!"#$%&'(!"#$%&'(

Wn dàibiko wnmen gsngsr xiàng nín dàoxiè.

I represent our company in expressing our thanks to you.

57.1.2Indirect expressions of gratitude

To express gratitude without saying ‘thank you,’ use the following expressions:

!"#!"#

Tài máfan nm le.

This caused you too much trouble. (I’ve troubled you too much.)

!"

Tài xrnko le. or

!"

Xrnko nm le.

This was really a lot of work for you.

!"#

Zhqn bù hko yìsi.

I’m really embarrassed.

57.2Replying to expressions of gratitude

In Chinese, it is considered presumptuous or rude to accept compliments, praise, and expressions of gratitude. Chinese does not have an expression equivalent to ‘you’re welcome’ in English. Common appropriate responses to expressions of gratitude include the following:

		!
		!
Bù xiè.	Méi shì.	Méi shénme.
Don’t thank me.	It wasn’t anything.	It wasn’t anything.
	(It was nothing.)	(It was nothing.)

!	!"	!"#
!	!"	!"#
Bù kèqi.	Bù bì kèqi.	Nm tài kèqi le.
Don’t be polite.	Don’t be polite.	You are too polite.
	!"
	!"
Nálm.	Nkr de huà
It was nothing.	What kind of talk is that?

Í55.2

371

INVITATIONS, REQUESTS, AND REFUSALS

58

Invitations, requests, and refusals

In Chinese culture, people are connected through a web of obligations and mutual social debt often referred to as / gupnxi, ‘relationships’ or ‘connections.’

This social debt is created by invitations, favors, and requests, big and small, that have been offered and accepted by others. They include buying small items for someone such as coffee, soft drinks, or ice cream, helping someone complete a task, inviting someone to dinner, or facilitating an introduction. By accepting an invitation or favor, or by making or agreeing to a request, you enter into a relationship that obliges you to reciprocate at some time in the future.

The Chinese expression that captures this social obligation is / lái wkng, as in the expression:

!!

Ynu lái ynu wkng.

To have give and take.

A friendship is based on giving and taking, and one expects a regular exchange of giving and receiving favors and assistance with a Chinese friend. When taking is not balanced with giving, the behavior is described by the Chinese expression:

!"#$%&!"#$%&

Ynu lái wú wkng, fqi lm yl.

Taking without giving is ill-mannered and uncivil.

In many Western cultures, the relationship between favors and social obligations is not so strong. One may accept favors without creating any obligation towards the giver. English has an expression that captures this: ‘no strings attached.’ The expression means that a gift or favor comes with no obligations to the recipient. In Chinese, where relationships are built on give and take, favors often come with the expectation of reciprocation. A Chinese friend may be more generous with you than a Western friend, but will expect more from you in return.

This chapter provides the basic strategies for negotiating invitations and requests in Chinese and for forming socially acceptable refusals.

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58.1

58.1.1

Í

58.1.2

Invitations

58.1

Invitations

Offering invitations

In English, invitations are often expressed in terms of a choice about whether or not to participate:

Would you like to have coffee with me?

In Chinese, giving the listener a choice about whether or not to participate is considered rude. It implies that the speaker does not want the listener to accept the invitation. Therefore, invitations are often worded as suggestions.

!"#$%&'!"#$%&'

Wnmen qù hq yr bqi kpfqi ba!

Let’s go drink a cup of coffee!

An invitation may also imply that the speaker will assume the role of ‘host’ and pay for any expenses involved in the activity. If the speaker specifically invites the addressee with the word / qmng ‘please’ (lit. ‘invite’), he or she expects to pay for the activity.

!"#$%&'(!"#$%&'(

Wn qmng nm qù hq kpfqi, hko ma?

Please have coffee with me.

(lit. ‘I invite you to go with me to drink coffee, okay?’)

47.1.1, 54

Accepting and refusing invitations

Words and phrases used to accept invitations include:

Hko.	Xíng.	Kéym.
Okay.	Okay.	I can.

Invitations between friends are accepted or rejected without ceremony. However, in more formal circumstances, it is often not considered polite to accept an invitation at its first offer. Typically, people refuse an invitation once or twice before accepting, even if they intend to accept all along. In the same way, the one who gives an invitation does not give up after an initial refusal, but offers a second or a third time before being certain that the refusal is genuine. This cycle of refusal and re-invitation is a social ritual in which you are expected to participate.

Expressions that are commonly used for the ritual refusal of an invitation to eat or drink include:

!"	!"#	( )/( )=
!"	!"#
Bù yào kèqi.	Nm tài kèqi le.	Wn bù (chr)/(hq)K
Don’t be polite.	You are too polite.	I am not (eating)/(drinking).

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INVITATIONS, REQUESTS, AND REFUSALS

58.1

If you are a guest, you cannot ultimately refuse an offer of a snack or a non-alcoholic drink. After the ritual refusal, you must accept it, though you need not eat or drink it. If you accept an invitation for a meal, however, you must eat.

It is acceptable to provide a direct refusal to an invitation to drink an alcoholic beverage or to smoke. If you do not or cannot drink, say:

!"	or !"#
!"	!"#
Wn bù hq jio.	Wn bù huì hq jio.
I do not drink alcohol.	I am not able to drink alcohol.

If you do not smoke, you can refuse a cigarette by saying:

!"!"

Wn bù chsu ypn.

I do not smoke.

In general, appropriate refusals for most other kinds of invitations are indirect and involve face-saving strategies. See section 58.3 for polite ways to refuse invitations.

Í54

58.1.3Formal written invitations

Written invitations are issued for weddings and formal dinners and events. Formal Chinese events have a fixed ending time as well as a fixed beginning time. Guests come on time and the event ends at the predetermined time. Formal events typically begin with a short formal speech announcing the commencement and end with a short formal speech announcing the conclusion.

The cover of the invitation often includes one of the following expressions that identify it as an invitation.

( / )	or
( / )
ypoqmng (sht/xìn)	qíngtil
invitation	invitation (lit. ‘a written submission’)

The body of the invitation includes the following expressions.

•Expressions that say ‘formally invite’:

/		/
jìng yuq	jìng ypo	chéng ypo
respectfully arrange	respectfully invite	respectfully invite
an appointment/
respectfully invite
/	/	!
		!
gsng qmng	gupnglín	gsng qmng gupnglín
formally request	(your) presence	formally request
		your presence

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Invitations

58.1

chéngsòng formally send a report or petition

(to a higher authority)

• Expressions that identify the recipient(s) of the invitation:

(family name) táiqm

respectfully submitted to (family name) or (less formal)

zhì (the names of the invited guests)

•Expressions that identify the type of event:

/ joxíng (the type of event) hold (a ceremony)

or (less formal)

(the type of event) cpnjip

to attend an event

• Expressions that indicate the location of the event:

zài (location of event) or

/ (location of event) dìdikn

place

• Expressions that indicate the date and time of the event:

=(OMMO= =NM= =R= )

=(OMMO= =NM= =R= )

jmndìng yo (2002 nián shí yuè wo rì) respectfully reserve the date of (October 5, 2002)

!"#!"#

wknshang liù dikn joxíng begin at (6 p.m.)

or (less formal)
/ =(the time)
shíjipn
time
!"#	or !"#$%
!"#	!"#$%
Wknshang jio dikn sàn huì	Wknshang jio dikn sàn huì bì mù
the event concludes at 9 p.m.	the curtain falls at 9 p.m.
	(the event concludes at 9 p.m.)

Í45

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INVITATIONS, REQUESTS, AND REFUSALS

58.2

58.2Requests

58.2.1Making requests of close relatives and close friends

Close relatives and close friends have an obligation to help you. Therefore, requests to close relatives and close friends are often indistinguishable from commands.

!"#$!"#$

Gli wn nà bln zìdikn.

Give me that dictionary.

!"#$%&!"#$%&

Wn jiè yòng yr xià nm de bm.

Let me borrow your pen for a minute.

!"#$!"#$

Gli wn bm yòng yr xià.

Lend me a pen for a minute.

To make a request more polite, you may preface it with / qmng ‘please.’

!"#$%!"#$%

Qmng gli wn bm yòng yr xià.

Please lend me a pen for a minute.

58.2.2Requesting information or assistance from teachers

Teachers have an obligation to help you with learning so requests to teachers for information can be direct. However, they should always be polite. You can preface a request with / qmng jiào ‘please teach me,’ or / qmng wèn ‘may I ask.’

!"###( !"# )!"###( !"# )

Lkoshr, qmng jiào . . . (zhège zì zlnme yòng?)

Professor, may I ask . . . (literally: please teach me)

!"#!$%&'()))!"#!$%&'()))

Wáng jiàoshòu, qmng wèn, nín de yìsi shì . . .

Professor Wang, may I ask, do you mean . . .

58.2.3Face-saving strategies used in requests

When making a request to someone outside of your close personal circle, you should leave him or her room for a graceful refusal. That is, you should allow him or her the opportunity to liú miànzi ‘save face’ if he or she has to refuse you. Here are some face-saving ways to phrase requests.

376

Refusals

58.3

• Ask if he or she has time.

	!	!"	!"#
	!	!"	!"#
Nm máng ma?		Nm ynu ksng ma?	Nm ynu gsngfu ma?
Are you busy?		Do you have free time?	Do you have free time?

• Ask if he or she has the ability to help.

!"#$%&!"#$%&

Nm néng bu néng bpng wn yrdikn máng?

Can you help me?

•Be humble

The use of to qiú ‘beg’ makes this request more humble.

!"#$%&!"#$%&

Wn ynu yrdikn shì yào qiú nm.

May I ask you a favor? (Lit: I have a little matter that I seek your help with.)

Í12.1, 48.1.3

58.3Refusals

It is not always possible to grant a request, but it is important to phrase a refusal in such a way that it saves face for all parties involved. Here are common ways to do so.

•Promising to try

A promise to try leaves open the possibility that your request may be granted at some point. Here are some responses that promise to try.

!	!	!"
!	!	!"
Wn shì shì kàn.	Wn shì yr shì.	Wn jìnlì zuò.
I’ll see what I can do.	I’ll try.	I’ll try my best.

This promise to try is more formal:

!"!"

Jìnlì’ ér wéi.

I will do everything possible. (formal)

•Pleading a lack of understanding

This kind of response is a common way to avoid answering a request for information.

!"#

Wn bù tài qrngchu.

I’m not too clear about that.

•Postponing the decision

These responses are used to postpone a decision to another time.

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INVITATIONS, REQUESTS, AND REFUSALS

58.3

! !"! !"

Wnmen kkolw kkolw.

We’ll think about it.

!"!"

Ymhòu zài shus.

Let’s talk about it again another time.

!"#$%&!"#$%&

Xiànzài ynu yrdikn bù fpngbiàn.

It’s a little inconvenient right now.

•Pleading an inability to perform the task

!"

Wn zuòbuliko.

I am unable to do it.

!"#$%&'!"#$%&'

Wn knngpà bpngbùliko nm de máng.

I am afraid I am unable to help you.

!"#$%&!"#$%&

Wn méi zuòguo nèi yàng de shì.

I’ve never done this kind of thing before.

!"!"

Wúnéng wéilì.

I am powerless to help. (formal)

•Pleading a time conflict

!"#$%!"#$%

Wn xiànzài ynu biéde shì.

I’ve got something else I have to do right now.

!"#

Knngpà wn tài máng.

I’m afraid I’m too busy.

!"#!"#

Wn méi ynu shíjipn.

I don’t have time.

!"( )!"( )

Duìbuqm, wn (nà tipn) ynu shì.

Sorry, I have something to do (that day).

378

Abandoning a request

58.4

To indicate that your explanation is genuine, and that you really do not have the knowledge, ability, time, or connections required to comply with a request, addzhqnde to your refusal.

!"#!"#

Wn zhqnde bù huì.

I really can’t do it.

!"#

Wn zhqnde bù dnng.

I really don’t understand.

You can soften a refusal with an apology by saying:

!"

Bù hko yìsi.

I’m embarrassed about this.

or

!!

Duìbuqm.

Excuse me.

! bùhkoyìsi indicates the speaker’s discomfort at not being able to comply with a request.

58.4Abandoning a request

To abandon a request and indicate that you will not ask anymore, say:

=( )	!	!
	!	!
Suànle (ba).	Bù yàojmn.	Méi gupnxi.
Forget it.	It is not important.	It is not important.

379