One morning

(by Alexandra Brown)

Got on a bus and went to town.

Convinced she looked a total mess

She thought she’d buy a cheapish dress.

But she has recently acquired

A credit card, and thus inspired

Set off upon a shopping spree

From nine o’clock till half past three.

She started in a modest way; a cotton skirt, in darkish grey.

But what it needed, so she felt, would be a simple leather belt

But when the belt was fastened tight

She thought it called for something bright; a brooch, a ring, some earrings too,

Two silken blouses, pink and blue.

And then, her shoes, a somber green,

Were hardly worthy to be seen;

She really needed one more pair

(she scarcely had a thing to wear).

But hesitating which to buy

She finally decided, “I

Will take the black, the blue, the brown,

(they’re always nice around the town)

And then those white ones, and the peach

(just right for summer on the beach).

And since I’d like to take up sport

Well then, perhaps I think I ought

To buy myself some tennis shoes

And I suppose I’d better choose

Some riding breeches and a skirt

With just a simple linen shirt”.

And so she went from store to store,

Just thinking “maybe one thing more”,

From Selfridges to C&A

(well, after all, no need to pay)

Armani, Harrods, BHS

“Well that’s the lot’, she thought, “unless

I bought myself an evening gown.

I really can’t let Crispin down.

A handbag, too”, then for a laugh

She chose a rather flashy scarf.

The door flew wide, and suddenly

Out came a flood of lingerie,

Of coats and hats and tights and shoes,

And brassieres of different hues,

Of summer blouses, winter hose,

An avalanche of varied clothes,

Of cashmere sweaters, fine and rare,

Of overcoats and underwear.

Blunders Professor Bumble

Professor Bumble is not only absent-minded but short-sighted as well. His mind is always busy with learned thoughts and he seldom notices what is going on around him.

One fine day recently he went for a stroll in the countryside, but, as always, he had a book in his hand, and he had no sooner set out for his walk than he became engrossed in reading. He hadn’t gone far when he bumped into a massive cow and fell down. He had lost his spectacles in the fall, and he thought he had stumbled over a fat lady. “I beg your pardon, madam”, he said politely before searching for his glasses. As soon as he had put them on, he realized his mistake.

Soon he was concentrating on his book again and paying no attention to anything else, he had scarcely been walking for five minutes when he fell over again, losing both his book and his glasses. This time he became furious. Seizing his umbrella, he struck the ‘cow’ in anger. Then, after finding his glasses, he realized with horror that he had made a second blunder. A large fat woman was fleeing from him in terror.

If

(by Rudyard Kipling)

If you can keep your head when all about you

Are losing theirs and blaming it on you,

If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you,

But make allowance for their doubting too;

If you can wait and not be tired by waiting,

Or being lied about, don’t deal in lies,

Or being hated, don’t give way to hating,

And yet don’t look too good, nor talk too wise:

If you can dream – and not make dreams your master;

If you can think – and not make thoughts your aim;

If you can meet with Triumph and Disaster

And treat those two impostors just the same;

If you can bear to hear the truth you’ve spoken

Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools,

Or watch the things you gave your life to, broken,

And stoop and build ’em up with worn-out tools:

If you can make one heap of all your winnings

And risk it on one turn of pitch-and-toss,

And lose, and start again at your beginnings

And never breathe a word about your loss;

If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew

To serve your turn long after they are gone,

And so hold on when there is nothing in you

Except the Will which says to them: “Hold on!”

If you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue,

Or walk with Kings – nor lose the common touch,

if neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you,

If all men count with you, but none too much;

If you can fill the unforgiving minute

With sixty seconds’ worth of distance run,

Yours is the Earth and everything that’s in it,

And – which is more – you’ll be a Man, my son!

I wandered lonely as a cloud

(by William Wordsworth)

I wandered lonely as a cloud

That floats on high o’er vales and hills,

When all at once I saw a crowd,

A host, of golden daffodils;

Besides the lake, beneath the trees,

Fluttering and dancing in the breeze.

Continuous as the stars that shine

And twinkle on the Milky Way,

They stretched in never-ending line

Along the margin of a bay;

Ten thousand saw I at a glance,

Tossing their heads in sprightly dance.

The waves beside them danced; but they

Out-did the sparkling waves in glee;

A poet could not but be gay,

In such a jocund company:

I gazed – and gazed – but little thought

What wealth the show to me had brought:

For oft, when on my couch I lie

In vacant or in pensive mood,

They flash upon that inward eye

Which is the bliss of solitude;

And then my heart with pleasure fills

And dances with the daffodils.

Profile: Peter Parker

Interviewer With us in the studio this morning is Peter Parker. Good morning, Peter.

Peter Good morning.

Interviewer Peter Parker is an English language teacher. He was always good at languages at school, so he decided to take his degree in French and German. When he finished his university studies, he began teaching in a secondary school in England. Two years later, however, he met someone by chance who offered him a job teaching English to foreign students during the long summer holidays. His students were adults and he enjoyed the work immensely. He soon found he was more interested in teaching his own language to foreigners than foreign languages to English schoolboys.

Since then he has specialized in his work. He has found that one of the advantages of the job is that it enables him to find work almost everywhere in the world. First he went to Africa for two years and the he spent a year in Arabia. After this he went to Greece where he has worked for the last three years. He hasn’t been to South America yet but he intends to go there next. He has taught men and women of all ages and of various nationalities. He has also learned to get on with all kinds of people and to adjust to different ways of life. So far he has not regretted his decision to follow this career.

Now then, Peter, tell me…